Mother-Enmeshed Men: Does A Mother-Enmeshed Man Need To Realise That He Owns Himself?

What will be clear, if a man spends a lot of time doing things for his mother, is that he has the sense that his mother owns him. Nonetheless, this is not to say that this is something that he will be consciously aware of.

Therefore, if it was put forward to him that he is behaving as though his mother owns him, he might look confused. Along with this, he might even become defensive and say that this is not true or something similar.

The norm

But, if he typically says yes when his mother wants something and directs a lot of his time and energy toward her, he will act more like her possession than an autonomous human being. Also, if she wants to touch or hug him, for instance, he could allow her to.

With this in mind, if he does deny that his mother owns him; his behaviour will tell a different story. What this is likely to show is that this is just what is normal, which is stopping him from being able to see clearly.

Another part

Additionally, if he were to face up to what is going on, it is likely to be too much for him to handle. So, by blocking out reality and behaving in the same way, he is able to keep it together and function.

When it comes to the pain that would arise, this will relate to how he felt as a child when he was likely to have been used. At this stage of his life, he had to block out reality to survive and this would have involved him losing touch with how he felt.

An Automatic Process

As a child, this would have taken place without him being consciously aware of it. And, now that he is an adult, this will be something that continues to take place without him being consciously aware of it.

But, although blocking out reality and how he feels will allow him to keep it together and function, turning his back on himself is not going to serve him. Naturally, acting like his mother’s possession will take its toll on him.

Another Part

A number of his needs are going to be overlooked and this will deprive him. This will cause him to feel frustrated, drained and even exhausted at times.

Sooner or later, he might not have the energy to behave in this way and, at this point, he might end up taking a step back and reflecting on his life. This could be the start of what will allow him to gradually change his life.

Seeing Clearly

What could soon stand out is that he doesn’t act like a separate individual who owns his body, time, energy and resources. Instead, he acts as though he is an extension of his mother and she owns his body, time, energy, and resources.

After this, he could soon feel compelled to be there for her and do just about whatever it is that she wants him to do. At this point, he could wonder why he doesn’t have the sense that he owns himself.

An Exercise

If he were to imagine saying that he can’t do something to his mother, because he hasn’t got time, for instance, he could soon feel anxious and fearful. After this, he could be filled with guilt and shame.

From this, it will be clear that he doesn’t feel safe enough to own himself and that this is seen as something that is bad. But, while this is how he feels, it is safe for him to do what is right for him and this is the right thing for him to do.

Back In Time

However, to find out why he doesn’t realise this at the core of his being, it will be necessary to look into what his early years were like. This is likely to be a stage of his life when his mother and perhaps his father were unable to accept that he was a separate human being who had his own needs, feelings and life to lead.

Apart from taking care of his basic needs such as his need to sleep, eat and be clothed, his other needs would have typically been overlooked. He would have had to do what his mother and perhaps wanted and, if he didn’t, he might have been told off, put down, hit and/ or left.

The Outcome

A stage of his life when he needed attuned parents who were able to love him was then a stage when he had to adapt to their needs and be who they wanted him to be. The pain that this caused him and the developmental needs that were not met would have been repressed.

As he was egocentric, he would have come to believe that he was worthless and unlovable. He would have also come to believe that he didn’t possess himself and that he had to do what his mother wanted in order to survive.

A New Reality

The truth is that he is not worthless or lovable and he owns himself and doesn’t need to please his mother to be able to survive. For him to know this at an emotional level, he is likely to have a lot of inner work to do.
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Awareness

If a man can relate to this and is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.