Proven steps to defuse any argument...fast

Conflict is the number one reason couples seek relationship advice and couples/marital counselling. When two people come together in a close relationship, "exposing" themselves emotionally and making themselves vulnerable with one another, it is inevitable that misunderstandings and conflict will occur.
The Cycle of Attack-Defend-Attack

Intense conflicts prevent any real, genuine and sincere communication from occurring. Quite the opposite happens. When arguments spiral out-of-control, and partners fall into the pattern of attacking the other, defending themselves, followed by counter-attacking again, it is likely that both partners not only feel angry, but also unjustly treated, hurt and mostly, unloved, unsupported and disconnected with one another. Arguments that are repetive and evolve into the negative pattern of attack-defend-attack, do not benefit the couple or relationship. The goal should therefore be to keep the level of emotional intensity manageable.The Goal: Manage Emotional Intensity

Rather than letting the intense emotional energy manage you, the couple, the goal should be for you, the couple, to manage the level of emotional intensity and energy during conflict conversations. Sounds simple enough, however maintaining one's cool and composure requires a great deal of resolve. It will require for you to listen to your partner's message and convey an understanding of their position. In so doing, and when handled with tact and sensitivity, a conflict can clear the air, release any pent up resentments, and it can be a potent way for a couple to communicate what is important to one another. It can even encourage a better understanding of the relationship, and thus, making a stronger and safer emotional connection.Steps to Stopping an Argument and Starting Communication

1. Momentarily put your position and opinion aside. This can be extremely difficult to do, particularly if you are sensing being treated unfairly or unjustly. Do it anyways, keeping the bigger objective and goal in mind; that being, connecting and communicating with your partner in efforts to resolve a situation and improve the relationship.

2. Take a time-out and relax. Relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman has shown that developing time-out skills is one of the most powerful and helpful interventions for couples. Use it willing, but not to avoid. A time-out should be no less that 20 minutes, and during this time relax yourself, do some deep breathing or progressive muscle relaxation exercises. Do not use this time to go over the argument in your head or prepare a counter-argument upon your returning to the conversation.

3. Find some truth in your partner's perspective. This doesn't mean agreeing, but it does mean understanding and "softening" to your partner's position. Remember your partner's perspective feels completely valid to them and so attempting to dispute this will only create more of a divide between the two of you.

4. Listen, listen, listen. In the interest of moving towards greater understanding, listen with curiousity, genuineness and authenticity.

5. Repeat this process. Once your partner has completed their thoughts, switch so that you can share your thougths on the issue. Keep repeating the process until each of you feel thoroughly heard, listened to and understood.

Everyone wants to be heard and understood, particularly by the people that we love and love us in return. You can quickly decrease the emotional intensity of arguments by using statements of understanding, paving the path towards greater emotional health, a strong connection and a more loving relationship.