Mother Wounds: Can A Man Unconsciously Look For A Mother Figure If His Mother Was Unavailable?

Even though a man’s childhood is well and truly behind him, it doesn’t mean that every part of him has moved on from this stage of his life. A big part of him can be frozen in time and still trying to receive what was not provided all those years ago.

Assuming that this is the case, this may have been a time when his mother was unable to provide him with what he needed to grow and develop in the right way. Therefore, on one level, he will be an adult, but, at a deeper level, he won’t feel like one.

Hidden

However, as this is what is going on for him at a deeper level, he is not going to be consciously aware of it. But, what is going on for him at this level, will impact what takes place in his conscious mind and how he behaves.

If then, another person were to point out that he is being driven by the needs that were not met during his formative years; he could simply dismiss what they say. For example, he could say that this stage of his life is over and has no impact on him.

One Outcome

Anyway, as he wasn’t provided with the love he needed from his mother, he can spend a lot of time trying to be seen and heard by women. Or, to be more precise, the women that he is attracted to.

Now, this can be a time when he comes across as confident and laid back, or he could come across as needy and very forward. Either way, he could go from one relationship to another or typically date women.

A Strong Urge

And, once his time with one woman comes to an end, he could soon be looking for another. If he is not in a relationship or dating a woman, he could soon become very agitated.

After a while, he could start to feel low and even depressed. Taking this into account, the longer he goes without being in a relationship or dating a woman, the worse off he is going to be.

A Deep Hole

He could go from feeling very low and depressed, to feeling as though he wants his life to end. If so, for him to get back on his feet, he will need to find a woman to be with.

From this, it will be as though his sense of self and his mental and emotional health are dependent on a woman’s acknowledgement. He is then not going to be a whole and complete human being; he will be missing something.

A Draining Existence

After a number of weeks, months or even years pass, he could arrive at the point where he no longer has the desire or energy to behave in this way. Or, he might simply not be able to find a woman and be forced to change his behaviour.

Either way, he can end up looking into why he is so dependent on being seen and heard by a woman. What could also stand out is how he has been this way for as long as he can remember.

Looking Back

If he were to look back on his early years, he might not be able to remember a great deal. This can partly be because his brain has blocked out what took place to allow him to keep it together and function.

But, if he can remember some of the things that took place during his early years, he might believe that this stage of his life wasn’t that bad. He could say, for example, that his mother loved him.

Back In Time

Yet, practically from the moment that he was born, his mother might not have been able to attune to his needs and generally meet them. Thus, apart from his basic needs being met, he would have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded as a result.

Ultimately, in order to develop a strong sense of self and move beyond being an emotionally dependent boy, he needed to receive the right nutrients. Without this, he wouldn’t have experienced an emotional birth, which is why he will feel empty.

The Outcome

The developmental needs that were not met during this time and the pain that he experienced would have ended up being repressed by his brain. As he was powerless and totally dependent, this was the only way for him to handle what was going on.

But, although these unmet developmental needs, and the pain that went with them, were repressed, they will have continued to drive his behaviour. To this hidden part of him, his unconscious mind, certain women will be seen as his mother and this is why he will look toward them to give him what he missed out on all those years ago.

It’s too late

The reason why this part of him sees certain women in this way is that it has no sense of time and is blind. When he is seen and heard by a woman, then, he will feel as though he is receiving his mother’s love, but, as it is too late for him to receive this love, the impact that these experiences that he has won’t last.

For him to emotionally, not just chronologically, move on from this stage of his life, he will have pain to face and work through and to experience his unmet developmental needs. Additionally, he will have beliefs to question as, by being egocentric at this stage of his life, he is likely to have come to believe that he wasn’t loved because he was worthless and unlovable.
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Awareness
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If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.