Mother Wounds: Can A Man Be Out Of Touch With His Needs If He Had An Unavailable Mother?

Even though a man is an interdependent human being who has needs, it doesn’t mean that he will act like one. In general, he could act as if he is an independent human being and doesn’t have needs.

What this is likely to mean is that while he will typically meet his basic or ‘lower’ needs, his ‘higher’ needs will seldom if ever be met. So, when it comes to the former, this will relate to his need to sleep and eat, among other things.

The Other Side

And, when it comes to the latter, this will relate to his need to experience affection and intimacy , among other things. Taking this into account, meeting needs that relate to the former will allow him to survive, while meeting needs that relate to the latter will play a part in what will allow him to thrive.

However, although living in this way is going to have a negative impact on him, he might not realise that he is neglecting a number of his needs. Consequently, he can often feel drained and depressed but he won’t be able to work out why this is.

A Strange Scenario

At this point, it can seem strange as to not only why he would be this way but why he wouldn’t be aware of what is going on. What this is likely to illustrate is that he has been this way for a very long time.

Therefore, due to how normal this is, there is no reason for him to be able to pinpoint why his life is this way. Still, what might allow him to gradually become aware of the fact that he doesn’t have a good connection with a number of his needs is if he were to start dating a woman.

A New Experience

This is because this is likely to be a time when he will meet a number of his ‘higher’ needs. He is likely to be seen and heard, be supported and encouraged, receive affection and have sex.

Thanks to this, he is likely to find that he feels better about himself and his wellbeing improves. This can also be a time when old wounds are unlocked and he doesn’t feel good.

One Outcome

Now, let’s assume that this relationship comes to an end before long and he goes back to how he was before. Initially, he can end up being in a lot of pain and be unable to carry on as he was before.

But, once he is able to settle down again, assuming that this does happen without him needing external support, he can wonder why he neglected these needs for as long as he did. Moreover, he can wonder why he wasn’t aware of these needs.

A Closer Look

What this can show is that his early years were not very nurturing, with this being a time when his mother was emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Being ignored, rejected and perhaps left would have been a normal part of his childhood.

Along with this, he might have often been put down and hit by her. Either way, this would have been a time when he was greatly deprived, which would have deeply wounded him.

A Brutal Time

At this stage of his life, in order for him to grow and develop in the right way, he needed a mother who attuned to his needs and generally met them. This is, ultimately, how a mother expresses her love.

Most likely, she had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years and simply couldn’t love him. With that aside, as he was powerless and dependent, he had no other choice but to adapt to what was going on.

The outcome

To handle this brutal stage of his life, his brain would have repressed the pain that he was in and a number of his needs. This would have involved him disconnecting from his body and living in his head.

He would have also come to believe that he was worthless and unlovable and that his needs and feelings were bad. This is a consequence of him being egocentric at this stage of his life and personalising what happened.

Accurate Software

Another part of this is that by believing that he was the problem, it would have given him the false hope that he could change his mother. If he had accepted that his mother simply couldn’t love him, it would have been too much for him to handle.

The truth is that how he was treated wasn’t his fault and he is not worthless or unlovable and his needs and feelings are not bad. To accept this at an emotional level, he is likely to have a lot of inner work to do.
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Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.