I’ve just returned home after another session with my Psychiatrist, today has really not gone well. I was asked to visit a place that had so many bad memories for me. Dealing with the sexual side of my rehabilitation is a killer. I know that I need this psychotherapeutic treatment, because I am drowning in my own pain. How do I put into words the shear agony that I feel inside when I revisit that place. It feels like someone is tearing out the very heart of me, leaving me feeling hollow and empty. Every dirty moment relived. Surrender because I was too weak to fight back. I can feel his hands on me just as if it was yesterday, but the truth is that many years have passed. Then there’s the Psychological side of the coin, where you can’t escape your thoughts. So much so that you wish you could reach inside your head and rip out the entire episode. So which hurts the most? Can you even compare the two? They are separate yet interlinked; you can’t deal with one without the other joining in. It’s far from a fair fight. There are no Queensbury rules here, each growing in mass as they feed off each other’s misery. A game of Ping -Pong between the two; where I have no hope of even seeing the ball. I know this effect will not lift an inch today, not a cat in hells chance. I try to remove myself from my home situation retreating to the bedroom, knowing that I am in a bad place and best left to my own devises. But it’s clearly not working. Questions so many questions, I feel as if my head is about to explode why can’t I just be left alone? You can feel it coming over you, mounting with each second that passes. There’s a heat rising within you that you know you will not be able to control, anger emanating from your very being. It should be visible to all as it engulfs you. To late the moment has passed for them to retreat, you hit out at the only one there. All control is lost they become the enemy, and words are spilling out of my mouth with such venom. If they think it’s that easy then maybe they should go in your place. Then the inevitable statement – If this is how it affects you why do you attend at all? Which brings us back to the question; you have been asking yourself all day. I could elaborate here but I see no need, if you have ever been in this position no other exploration is needed. If you haven’t then the explanation you are looking for will ever materialise. The aftermath in this situation often differs, but the situation above more than not pushes the one you love to breaking point. How can we expect them to understand when it’s so far from a normal? There has not been a book written, that can truthfully outline the intense emotions felt when you have been on the receiving end of such abuse . Once again it falls to us to regulate our reaction, to change the negatives to positives. If we don’t or choose not to, then we run a real risk of losing the only good thing left in our lives. Yes we are loved but everyone has a breaking point a point of no return. Take heed it’s a lonely road to walk of which I speak from experience. …..
Teresa Joyce was born in 1958 the middle child of three. After losing her father at a very young age; it was to set the pattern for the rest of her life. Losing was something that she would have to get used to. Today she still has some memory of her father, but in truth it’s all a little hazy. Her mother through no fault of her own after that loss had no other alternative, then to return to her parent’s home with her children in tow. This family unit were to spend only a few years there, until the wind of change came around once more. Teresa still holds many happy memories from her time there as a child. Happy memories are something that Teresa holds in very short supply, and she has treasured them always. Her mother was set to meet the man that was to become her stepfather, and they moved on once more to a new city with the promise of a new life. Hopefully it would be a happy one for all concerned, but it became a place for Teresa that felt far more like a prison. One in which she would spend many days months and years hating. Teresa swore to herself that she would leave all this behind her at the first possible occasion. She can still clearly remember the day that she left that family home and joined the Royal Air Force. It was just two months off her sixteenth birthday. Her stepfather had informed her that to remain living in his house, she had to live by his rules. This was a big decision for her to take being so young, but she could no longer live by any rules that he imposed. Never really understanding at that time, what she was really running from. Memories of those years living by his rules were buried so deep, that previous years and events were only a burr to her. Teresa’s Time spent while in the Royal Air Force was very rewarding, and she involved herself in all and everything possible. After meeting her ex -husband whilst she was on leave, she then left this all behind her and married. It was greatly missed and in retrospect, it would be something that she would live to regret many years later. Life as a married woman changed many things for her; the biggest of all would be the arrival of her son. Teresa loved him even before he was born, and he is still able to pull on her heart strings daily.
Sadly after many years, she found herself unable to stay within that marriage. The onset of a set of circumstances beyond her control would stamp its seal, rendering the marriage unworkable. Engineered by the involvement of the one man Teresa had learnt to hate - her stepfather. The marriage was dissolved and there was no going back on her part, that door was firmly closed behind her. Some years later she would find herself in a long term lesbian relationship, firmly believing that anything touched by a man was tainted; bringing with it only pain and heartache. Teresa’s thoughts at that time were that the worst was surly now behind her, but her life was set to make another turn from her envisaged path. It was to arrive in the form of an accident, which once again would alter her life forever. After many months and many doctors reports she was ill health retired, unable to return to work in either one of her two loved occupations. Teresa was affected by this far more then she could have ever expected, she was left alone with nothing but time, and still within the mix of a completely insane situation; it was at this point that Teresa would enter into the mental health care system fully, to have any hope of dealing with everything going on around her. That care umbrella is still part of her everyday life. The loss of her mother through less than adequate health care, brought her pain like she had never thought possible. Teresa saw herself delving deeper and deeper into her own unconscious thoughts, revealing to her at that time memories which seemed so alien. Ultimately her mental health would prove to be a factor, in the disintegration of her then lesbian relationship.
It’s something that Teresa is still trying to come to terms with even now. She now lives alone with only a small dog for company, which in truth she is happy with. Firmly believing that she can’t hurt those she loves, if they are not there for her to do so; to her mind segregation is the answer. Teresa is still unable to work and in constant pain daily. Maybe today you could say that she has once more taken back control of her life, but only outwardly. The truth is she still carries the past along with her, like an uninvited guest at a party. The one that never seems to know when the party is over and it’s time to leave. Teresa is now trying to live her life as fully as possible, through her son and grandson; they have become her light at the end of the tunnel.