How to become an expert Customer Services Tester

How to become an expert Customer Services Tester - or in other words;

"How to be a complete pain in the butt anytime you order anything on the internet!"

Here are the steps:

1. Always find ways to make sure the ordering process fails for you, even though it works perfectly well for thousands of other customers.

2. Then, always write to the supplier, saying how you could not place the order.

3. Follow up with a long e-mail describing all the products you would like to purchase, indicating that you should deserve preferential discounts because of this.

4. Insist the supplier e-mail you immediately.

5. However, make sure that you take days or up to a week or more to respond to any suppliers suggestions, or follow up e-mails, so that the supplier has forgotten your original request.

6. Ignore most of the content or suggestions that this supplier gives you, as to which product would be best to order. Make your own mind up, completely disregarding any professional or helpful advice.

7. Insist more than once, that you deserve some special discount, unlike all the other customers who are happy to pay the recommended prices, because of the great value of your products.

8. Should you eventually decide to order, make sure you never order more than one product - even though you indicated originally you would wanted to order at least 4 different products.

9. Make sure, and this is essential, that when you place the order, get some of your card numbers incorrect, some examples of this could be;

Wrong CVC,
Wrong start date,Wrong expiry date,
Wrong card number,

This is to ensure that your order cannot be processed, and you have the delightful convenience of inconveniencing the supplier, again - who has to e-mail you yet again, pointing out these errors. Not only that but it also subtly indicates that you are not really ready to order yet.

10. Try if possible to order using the one card which your supplier cannot process, some examples of this may be;

(Fill in your own suggestions here) - American Express, Delta, Switch, and so on.

11. To make it even more difficult for the supplier, if you do finally manage to complete your order, it is critical that you place your order using a P.O. Box number for the delivery address and the invoicing address.

This way you will delightfully inconvenience your supplier, who will have to reject your order for security reasons.

12. Always tell your supplier that their prices are way more than anyone else charges, and as a result you will most likely take your business elsewhere.

Following on from this, make sure you still go ahead and order anyway, regardless of this initial statement.

13. If the company is offering a free gift with the purchase of product x or product y - make sure you e-mail before you place any orders, just to be absolutely sure, you will receive this free gift should you order from them. This conveniently wastes a little more of your suppliers time - and shows you that they are really there to serve you!

14. Make sure that all of your e-mails finally total at least between 8 to 16. This way, even if you never even use the product you have ordered, you feel that you have got back the value of what you have paid in individual and personal support from that supplier.

15. If in spite of all this, you finally order a product, as soon as you order, e-mail the supplier to remind them of this, and ask them to send you an immediate follow up e-mail. This way, you will let the supplier know how serious you are about being their customer, and subtly letting them know - that they better provide you with good support for their purchase -"or else!"

16. Shortly after you have received confirmation that your order has been despatched contact the supplier to ask if the goods have been despatched, as you have not received them yet. In spite of the fact that postage to foreign continents can take up to 10 to 14 days to arrive.

17. Always order more of the same product than you actually want so that when you receive the order you can then contact the supplier to say you didn't want that many, there must have been a mistake and you wish to return them - at the suppliers expense of course.

18. Never remember the suppliers name where you ordered your products from so that when they send you further offers of products via e-mail you report them for spamming - this can be a particularly effective strategy, because if enough customers do this to the supplier, it is a very short step for them to have their website shut down for supposed spamming.

19. After you have read a full description of the product you want to buy and proceeded to buy it, send it back saying the product wasn't really what you wanted - cause further trouble for the supplier by saying you didn't know the product would be like it was even though it had been made quite clear in the advertising and product description.

20. If you need to contact the supplier by telephone always ring out of office hours, weekends, bank holidays etc. Never leave a message, or better still leave a really garbled message that nobody else can understand - failing this leave a contact number so that when the supplier calls back he gets through to some company that has never heard of you.

21. When ordering if you can, make sure that the invoice address and delivery address are completely different. Sometimes it is even better to use different countries - or different continents, and definitely make sure that your credit card is not registered to either of these addresses. This is to ensure that your order will be turned down for security reasons, and the supplier will have another good reason to go to the trouble of having to e-mail you all over again.

This should do it, you are now well on your way to becoming an expert Customer Services Tester;

or in other words;

"How to be a complete pain in the butt anytime you order anything on the internet!"

Whatever you do, you must keep this up, because it is really important to test out customer services with different companies on the internet isn't it?

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James Middleton
Hypnotherapist and Meditator james@hypnosis.demon.co.uk
Copyright 2004 James Middleton

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