You, Your Baby and Sleep Training - Part I

YOU, YOUR BABY & SLEEP TRAINING – PART I

Introduction
There is so much information on the internet and in bookstores about how to get your baby to sleep. Many times, we read and are overloaded with the information from these sometimes conflicting philosophies. Some articles and books tell us that co-sleeping in a family bed will develop well-adjusted children. Others tell us that the child won’t be adversely affected by putting them in another room and letting them cry it out. A lot of times we feel compelled to pick a philosophy and to strictly follow the advice so that it has to work. However, when our little angels don’t respond accordingly as directed in that article or book, we feel that either there’s something wrong with us or with the baby!

Take heart, there’s nothing wrong with you or your baby. There’s also nothing wrong with picking and choosing what works from different philosophies and trying them out on your little one until, just like in a fitting room, you get the one that fits like a glove.

Personally, I have four children that I have used a menagerie of techniques in trying to get them to sleep through the night. My firsthand findings are that, is as much with child-rearing, a lot depends on the personality of the child.

In Infants
0-3 months
These first few months, your precious baby is getting used to the outside world. You, as well, are probably getting used to this little one. Whether this is your first child or your fifth, there is always a time of adjustment when the newborn arrives. Our little cherubs may be very good sleepers in the first month. Those of you, who are incredibly fortunate, have those blissful little ones who drift off to sleep and stay asleep for hours at a time. The baby may continue this into their older infant and toddlerhood. Others (like me and many of you reading this), have children who may fall asleep easily the first month, but after that the trouble begins. Now what? Where do we begin? How do I start? Will my baby be emotionally scarred for the rest of her life because I failed to choose the correct method? Do I give in to my maternal urges or work against them? The truth is, you don’t have to have it perfect right off the blocks.

Most mothers opt to keep the baby near them during these first three months. As a seasoned mom, I agree with this. I also agree with what we hear about bonding with your infant. You truly can’t spoil a baby in the first three months, nor can you shower too much affection on him. Just remember, that for this little one’s entire life, you and he have not been separated. Baby-wearing will show you how safe a baby feels close to your heart and your scent – they usually fall right asleep. During this initial period, if you can bear wearing your wee one, I recommend it. If you can’t, please try to hold baby as much as possible. Also, reflux and colicky babies tend to cry less when worn. Two of my four were high needs babies. They weren’t plagued with reflux or colic; however, they always wanted to be held. Typically, during these first few months, I am fine with obliging them and it’s usually in the form of baby-wearing.

The next biggest recommendation is swaddling. Baby was wound up nice and tight in the womb for its entire life up until this point. You can actually see a baby’s mood change from agitated to secure once swaddled. The book, “Happiest Baby on the Block” recommends swaddling, sucking (pacifier), shushing, and swaying as a way of helping baby to sleep. This method may work for some children and may not for others. This was the case in my family . However, I recommend trying all of them together and also individually. Some children won’t take a pacifier, some are not entirely comforted by the shushing, but almost all children will be comforted by swaddling.

Where would you like her to sleep? Some parents choose to co-sleep. Co-sleeping is a very important part of attachment parenting . However, if you choose not to co-sleep, you can still be an advocate of attachment parenting in other areas. Co-sleeping is great for nursing mothers. This doesn’t mean that bottle fed babies can’t co-sleep; however, it is most common in nursing moms to co-sleep. Another option would be keeping your baby close to your bed. In these first few months, I would strongly urge you to consider allowing baby to sleep in a car seat next to your bed or some baby device that allows baby to sleep in a semi-fetal position. It seems to add to the “just like inside mom” feel for the baby.

Now that baby is swaddled, he’s ready for bed. What next? I have personally exercised each of the following options with my own children:

1) Let Them Cry It Out – at about 8 – 10 weeks, you can begin by letting baby cry it out. I did this with my oldest daughter who is now 20. I remember the night I did it and how it tore my heart out. I wanted to rescue her. It was the longest 20 minutes of my life! You may choose to do this at any point, but honestly, the earlier the better from 8 weeks on. Place baby in the crib sleepy, but awake. Leave and don’t go back in. They do eventually fall asleep. What tends to happen is that the older they get and cognitively develop, the more resistance you will face in helping them learn to self-soothe. When you start earlier, they won’t cry very long until they fall asleep. So, if you can help them learn to self-soothe early, it is very good. By the time they are 6 to 9 months old, if they aren’t able to self-soothe to sleep, they can stand up in the crib, and are able to realize that you are probably somewhere right on the other side of that door and if they cry long enough and hard enough... you will re-emerge. This may sound callous. I assure you, according to my 20 year old, the baby won’t remember.

2) Cry It Out With a Reminder I Am Still Around - A variation of crying it out is to put them in their crib awake but sleepy, go in after five minutes, then go back in 10, then 15 and keep it at 15 or so until they fall asleep. Well, I tried this with my fourth child. It didn’t do anything but completely taunt him and sent him into greater hysterics. I had to revert back to just allowing him to cry it out.

2) Assisting –Assisting ranges from full assist (rocking baby to sleep) or nursing to gently shaking the crib so that baby is lulled to sleep. A lot of folks let baby fall asleep while feeding and then carefully placing baby in the crib. It can be rocking him to sleep, or pacing the halls until her little lids finally shut. I did this a lot with my second child. When he got a little older, about 4 months, I began putting him in the crib mostly asleep, then placing a hand on either side him and gently “bouncing” the mattress until he fell asleep. I just couldn’t bear to hear him cry. It took a while to get him to catch on by himself. However, during his first three months, if I hadn’t sat in a rocker and rocked him to sleep or he fell asleep while nursing, I put him in a cradle swing (which is shaped like a car seat. This was especially true after middle of the night feedings. The only caveat with this method is that after the three month period, they do have to be taught to fall asleep on their own or they will need you to rock them all the time. Again, the longer you wait, the harder it is to get them to learn on their own. Now, I know some people who actually don’t mind rocking their two year old to sleep. Truth be told, it really does your child no justice to go that long. At that point it is more to appease the parent’s desires than the child’s real need to be rocked to sleep. It seems to be a stunting of their development.

A parting note: a common fallacy among new mothers is the belief that baby needs to be changed in the middle of the night. This is completely unnecessary unless the baby has pooped. Diapers, especially at this age, can hold a full night’s worth of urine. There is no need for you to wake up completely, put wet wipes against baby’s skin waking him up fully and then trying to get them (and you) to go back to sleep. It is rare that I hear how a newborn got a diaper rash from being left in the same diaper all night. This is for disposable diaper users. Cloth diapers may need to be changed during the night to avoid rashes.

Basically, enjoy the first three months as much as you can. Try to “go with the flow”. Sometime over the following three months, you will begin the process of truly sleep training.