Yin, Yang and the Relationship King

There is an unquestionably anatomical difference between men and women. That same difference applies to our participation and communication in relationships. Women, by nature, tend to be nurturing and driven by their emotions & feelings while men are generally more aggressive and individualistic and driven by rationale.

Throughout history, as there is an aggressive attack on your land, men single handedly would fight back like a wild lion to conquer and destroy. Could you imagine women on the front lines? Would they try to negotiate through feelings and emotions? Would they try to deal socially and motherly, even accept the enemy as their own?

Understanding that men and women have completely different life experiences, by simple result of being completely different "species" actually makes living around each other much more entertaining.

We have different operating systems. We are hard wired that way – which in a lot of cases means our communication issues are not our fault! There is so much miscommunication that occurs between species it is almost a wonder what the “creator” was thinking! It is kind of like asking a Mac to be compatible with a PC… or an Xbox to be compatible with a Play station….

In hugely generalized terms and very broad strokes, men are wired to think in this order: input to logic to output. Women go from input to emotion to logic to emotion to output.

Perfect.

Men are direct and women are indirect in the way we communicate. Learning this and accepting it is a key in interpreting each other. Let’s use an example…

A man and woman are on a long car ride together. The man is driving and the woman is in the front passenger seat. They are silently and happily cruising down the highway without a care in the world. They pass a road sign indicating that there is a rest stop ahead on the right. The man doesn’t notice because it’s not important to him at the moment. His gas tank is full, he feels good, and he’s just driving.

She looks at him and asks “Honey, are you hungry?”He thinks for a second, says “No, not really” and looks at her lovingly as he passes the exit to the rest stop and continues driving along thinking nothing at all.

She is instantly furious. She is shocked and internally raging…Either a fight erupts (which has him once again wondering what the heck is wrong with women and what happened????) or she crosses her arms, and he cannot understand the hateful silence that now is the biggest passenger in that car.

This is what happened: She saw the sign and had to use the bathroom. She asks him if he’s hungry because she is indirect by nature. She is expecting him to immediately understand that this reference means that she needs something from the rest stop but wants to know if he is okay before just talking about her needs. He of course does not interpret this in two seconds and now she is furious because he did not stop. The next hour at least of their lives is not going to be good at all. Have you ever seen couples in cars that look unhappy? Rest stops are a big reason why!

Now play that same scene out but change the players. Two guys are in the same scenario, silently driving along without a care in the world. The passenger sees the rest stop sign, he points and says “bathroom”, to which the driver steers the car to the off ramp and they continue driving without a care in the world.

Or again: Two women are driving along (which probably means they are chatting incessantly) and the passenger asks the driver “Are you hungry?” which causes the driver to immediately respond with either a yes or no but also a “Are you?” while she is already moving into the exit lane because she speaks “indirect” and knows this means that the passenger needs to stop.

In my house growing up with 2 sisters and my mom and dad, I can only imagine what my dad’s experience was like. It was like living with a bunch of sidewinders. Every statement that got made in our house could have meant anything else, all the time.

Our incessant round a bout way of getting to the point must have been like living in an altered reality! I do understand why he let us do most of the talking though. His processor did not have an accurate translation program. When any of us started talking you could almost see the "translation search engine" fire up to determine what we could really be talking about...

I guess the basic lesson for women is – when we need to stop we should say “pull over!!” And for men, if you are driving and your partner asks you a question, any question, and you are about to pass an exit – pull over immediately!! Figure out if you needed to later – it’s a safer bet for sure.
So understanding some of the fundamental differences is a big step. Learning now how to allow this information to improve all of our relationships is the next one.
Let’s look at another common example. It’s a big day – either her birthday or your anniversary. No one has said a word beforehand and now the day is here. In the morning when you both first wake up no one says anything either.
As a man – you purposely try to leave the house without saying anything because you think it’s funny to pretend that you forgot! So you leave and quietly get a giggle to yourself, planning your surprise tonight. She on the other hand thinks – “he forgot”, which is swiftly followed by sadness and anger.

All day long now she is infected with the emotions surrounding you forgetting the big day and evaluating your entire life together as a couple. The day now becomes one of the saddest days of the year for her instead of the happiest and by the time you get home at night, even if you come with dinner, flowers, tickets, whatever – she is so ready for a fight that one inevitably erupts and ruins the evening regardless. I dare you to tell me I’m wrong….

This entire experience can be avoided by simply saying something in the morning! One of the best relationship tips ever is to have a card by her bedside table when she wakes up, or by her morning cup of coffee! Just a card is enough! She will then feel loved and important and spend her whole day preparing for the incredible night the two of you are going to have together.

A card in the morning will pay you more dividends than your best stock tip.

We are different, as men and women... it's supposed to be that way... Learning to interpret each other should be the first "second language" we all spend time learning to speak.