QUESTION: Is chivalry dead?

Is chivalry dead or do we just need to expect more of it?

Previously, I posted a question on Facebook about chivalry and the response was interesting and overwhelming. Below are the responses I received.

Here’s what I posted:

I have a question for you: Do you think that younger women (20′s‑30′s) enjoy dating a gentleman—or is a man showing chivalry an insult to them?

Before going into the responses let me define chivalry as I see it.

Chivalry has different meanings to different people, but generally it’s defined as having good manners, being polite, respectful, and courteous. Chivalry means a man has honor, he offers help to those who need it, and he treats others with a kindness like no other.

What does it mean to you???

Here are the responses:

“It totally depends on the woman I would think. It’s taste-specific. I definitely don’t think chivalry is dead.” _______________________

“I think that chivalry is never an insult…it shows respect…however I have noticed that not too many women know how to receive it anymore. I’m always grateful!!! when I have spoken to men about the same question they said they felt like the women felt they were weak as men when they have opened their door for them, etc. I love it when a man is a gentleman and truly knows how to romance and keep the romance going—it’s attractive and keeps the passion alive!! Bring me chivalry and never take advantage of it—just be grateful for it! Not everyone knows how to be a true man!! Woo hoo for the those who do ”

“Why would you think it’s an insult to women? I don’t understand this question…”

“I think these days girls, at a young age, are taught to be independent and strong and that they don’t need a man. I think it has somewhat lead them to disapprove of chivalry because it makes them feel like they are the weak ones. Young women have the attitude that they can do everything by themselves—including opening doors, paying for a date, etc.”

“Being independent and accepting respectful behavior are two separate issues….just sayin”

“I love the feedback. It is so interesting to see everyone’s point of view. Please folks…send me more. I’m hungry! ♥

You are right on to why I wrote the book. That’s what I’m trying to explain to women—you don’t have to give up your independence when deciding you deserve tender love from a man. They are two separate things, but they can also be intertwined…”—Kim Mitchell

“In my opinion 20-30′s don’t quite know how to appreciate true chivalry. Only when you’re a little older—like we are—do you realize chivalry is truly an asset and should be a must in a respectful relationship.”—Kandace Stocker (in lights)

“My goal is to show younger women what they CAN have—but they have to expect it for themselves. They can either ask for it or prove it in their actions, otherwise they won’t get it. Because the young men haven’t learned these techniques, it will be up to the young women today to show the respect they deserve through their actions. Even I don’t get every door opened for me, and sometimes my husband slips and orders before all the women at the table, but I notice it each time I see a man not offering simple gestures—like grabbing the bags from her arms or offering his arm.

Okay…please add on from here. This topic is the exact reason I started writing—from this topic it went to other aspects of life. BUT this was the very reason I started writing so I love hearing from both men and women on this subject.”—Kim Mitchell

“In total agreement with you, but a young woman can’t expect a door to be opened for her, when she isn’t demanding respect in all aspects of her life—friends, coworkers, family , etc. A man will see this when being with someone.”—Kandace Stocker

“I agree—that’s why I go into so many other topics in the book about respect. Chivalry of a man is just one aspect to her being her best.”—Kim Mitchell

“I don’t think chivalry is such a big deal to young women. Sure it’s nice when a guy does something kind for you but I don’t think there should be an emphasis on it. I feel having mutual respect for each other is what’s important. It’s not a one way street. Women and men should treat each other equally and share common courtesies. More emphasis should not be placed on what a man should be doing for his woman. I think that is an unfair expectation.”

“Thank you. I definitely need to hear what younger women are saying.

Let me pose these questions to you. I’m not sure if you’re presently in a relationship or not so please consider this for other young women too.

•Do you do more when it comes to taking care of the children or the household chores?
•Do you get shown appreciation for all that you do?
•Who brings romance into the relationship or is romance even important these days? Should it be?
•Do you pay when you go out on a date?
•Would you enjoy being pampered by your mate?
I’m not disagreeing with you, just very curious what people think. I do believe you can have equality, respect along with the added gifts of what a man can do to make you feel special. It’s always been said that women take on so much and I think they need to be shown a little gratitude —more than what I see today.”—Kim Mitchell

“First off what person doesn’t enjoy being pampered whether it be by their mate or someone else. Of course it’s wonderful to be pampered by your mate.

Secondly, I have been in a relationship for a little over 3 years and we have three children between us. I would say the housework and the child care are shared pretty equally. For example he does all the cooking and washes the laundry majority of the time. So I do the dishes and fold and put away the laundry. Currently I am at home with the kids all day during the week and work on the weekends. So I do a lot for the kids but he helps when he gets home at night and he flies solo with them on the weekends. So chores are pretty evenly shared. When we first moved in together I was going to school full-time and working two jobs and not home very much and he did all the house chores and that caused problems.

Another thing is from the beginning we have always taken turns paying for dates. I think that is perfectly acceptable to do.”

“Good answer…and if it works for you, great. Other people have different ways in doing things—whatever works for them. Respect comes in so many shapes and forms. You have to personally take what you’re receiving and analyze whether or not you feel you’re being respected or not.

And, I also agree, who doesn’t love being pampered, and switching who pays for dates is a great idea. After all, it’s both your money to a point anyway right”—Kandace Stocker

“I appreciate your honesty and passion . I still believe chivalry is a good thing, but I’m not sure all young women will agree with me. I think it sparks the romance in a relationship.

All the feedback is great. I find it interesting to see the fluctuating opinions on the topic. Thanks again.” —Kim Mitchell

“Earlier, someone wrote about a father being a role model and that boys learn chivalry from their fathers. After reading what’s been written, I can see that I have influenced her life. She has always been a very independent child. I have taught my children that they have to take care of themselves first and never to depend on someone else to take care of them. Chivalry is something that women expect from men—what do men expect of women? What word is the female version of chivalry? I do believe that to make it as a couple, you have to be equal in many ways.”

“You’re the second person that brought up about female chivalry. That’s a great question.

FEMALE CHIVALRY: If I had to define it I would say it’s all the things women usually take care of for the family . I know couples share chores, but we’ve always heard how women take on so much for our families —more because it’s in our nature to be caregivers. This applies at least in my generation.

I believe women can pay for dates, either equally or less (in my opinion) but I don’t see anything wrong with a man wanting to pay. I do believe in independence—I’ve spent my life being independent, but I still think that chivalry doesn’t take the place of it. I think being independent is separate in definition. I also expect children to be independent, to do for themselves and take control of their own destiny.

I never actually thought of female chivalry. I’m interested to hear how you and others define it. I think it’s a great question and thank you for asking! This is a great discussion. I can’t type fast enough to answer all the responses. ♥ “—Kim Mitchell

“I’ve never been the kind of woman who expected chivalry from a man. However, it is nice when they do things out of good manners or have been taught “the old fashion way.” Today’s world is different. I can honestly say that I never taught my son to open car doors or pull a chair out for a girl. However, I believe he has very good manners—respect, politeness, etc.

Would you say “nurturing” defines what female chivalry is? If so, then I’d say most women are just born that way and not taught, and to me those are two different things all together. Ahhhh!—the difference between men and women!”

“Interesting take…nurturing…great word. I’m making notes!”—Kim Mitchell

“Hi, I am the one who mentioned female chivalry, and in my opinion it doesn’t mean just picking up the check sometimes or splitting chores. To me it’s a multitude of little things, like having his favorite meal once in a while, or picking out his clothes if something special is coming up. Or leaning over in a public place and showing the correct amount of affection, and a look you can give him, when you’re in front of friends. It’s so many things in my opinion, and I do believe in this day an age, those things are wonderful to do for one another—instead of in the 50′s when it was expected to be done. Now that it’s not expected so much anymore, it’s finally genuine♥”—Kandace Stocker

“I agree with you Kandy. I know exactly what you’re referring to. It’s all the little things that you do because you WANT to, to show him that you care, not because you have too. What word would you use to describe that?”

“Chivalry has always been about the man, I suppose we can make up a word and call it CHIVALRNESS—because it’s all about the woman!

I really don’t know, so many things wrapped up into one word, only describes true love to me. Hey that’s Kim’s problem right—to come up with a word??!!! LOL…It’s Not our Book…”—Kandace Stocker

“New project for you, Kim! Lol”

“I have enjoyed reading everyone’s posts!!! And I would like to share my thoughts as well. I am 30 years old and I actually just had a conversation last night with a guy that I’m dating on this very subject!! (He is 34) We talked about the different things that a man should do for a woman. He said he likes to hold the door for any woman and all elderly people. He even said that a woman should never have to take out the trash. LOL!! The funny thing is that I didn’t disagree with anything he said. I told him how I will walk up to a door and just wait to see if a guy will open for me!! LOL! If you know me, I am one of the most independent women out there! I have lived on my own since I was 18 and I have never relied on a man. Even though I am a very strong-willed, independent women, I still like the fact that my guy has taken enough initiative to see there are little things that he can do to make me feel loved and special. Opening a door isn’t the most important thing in a relationship, but if you look at the meaning behind the action; you can really learn to love chivalry!! I think chivalry could be dead, but for those of us who can look beyond the “I am an independent women and I don’t need a man,” it is alive and thriving and could be the roots to a strong relationship!”

“He sounds like a keeper!! I’m curious though, did you talk about things that a woman should do (or he would like you to do) for a man? Ah—I’m still speaking about chivalry☺”—Kandace Stocker

“As far as a word, I’ll have to look if there is something already out there. That would be cool if we came up with something that would stick. Everyone has heard “he’s just not that into you” and if we could come up with a word that would stick maybe we could start a new trend!”—Kim Mitchell

“Kandy, the conversation was definitely geared towards what guys should do. But the when I read these posts and really think about chivalry and how it is a man’s term, it makes me think about how women don’t need a word for our actions. Nurturing was brought up a couple times and this is something that comes natural (at least I hope) to us. I honestly think that women are just natural chivalrist (I just made up THAT word! HA!:) I think it would be really neat if a word was decided and stuck! But at the same time, I think about how men have this special word just for the way they treat a woman—being the researcher that I am. HA!:) I looked up the history of the word and there are actually a lot of meanings but it all started with men (knights). Why can’t it just be natural for a man to open a door for a woman or any other act that one would consider an act of chivalry? Because they are a MAN!! I better quit while I’m ahead…because I don’t want to bash men. There are good ones out there! ”

“I do think that nurturing is our gift, while chivalry is theirs. I like that thought.

After all the wonderful feedback from everyone I will be in for more revising than I bargained for, but I won’t give up until I know the book is a quality product! ♥ TO YOU ALL!!!!—Kim Mitchell

As for chivalry, my goal is to define it in a way that everyone understands that it’s more than opening a door or offering an arm—so much more. It’s funny, just talking with my husband yesterday about this topic he went a few extra steps to show his—just little things that made my life a little easier. Gotta love it. ♥”—Kim Mitchell

“I’m not sure you can do that in age groups, I feel it’s more to do with what type of woman she is, her upbringing, surroundings…”

“I agree—if you weren’t taught to expect it, you don’t know any difference—no matter your age.”

“You must have respect for yourself before you expect it from someone else.

I can only tell you that approaching 50. As a very independent woman, I roofed my home and always worked because I didn’t want to rely on a man for money—even if that man was my husband. Even I love some type of chivalry. My husband has never once—in all these years—not opened my car door, stands if I leave a table at a restaurant, the list is endless. I see chivalry a little different—it is an equality respect that goes both ways. You must have respect for yourself before you expect it from someone else.”

“Well, working w/teenager girls, who look at me as a friend, I’d say…I think they want chivalry until they get a taste of it—then they think the dude is a wimp.

As far as 20-30′s…I feel these women appreciate chivalry and welcome it. I believe the more mature the woman is, the more they expect chivalry.”

“I don’t think personally chivalry is truly appreciated until 30′s or even later in life. Sadly I believe girls these days who are between their 20′s-30′ are looking for a man with money, looks, fame, etc. And chivalry has fallen to the wayside.”—Kandace Stocker

“At my age, chivalry is appreciated but I don’t always know how to react to it. I was a single mother for so long and not participating a lot in the dating world, so when a man opened the car door for me, it would take me by surprise. It became such a HABIT for me to do things for myself, that I really didn’t give the men a chance to do things for me. I feel that some men welcomed my independence and others were threatened by it.”

“I appreciate it and welcome it. I don’t think too many young women these days have experienced it. Women’s Lib Movement killed it in many of the men. My papa is a gentleman, always was…always will be and I thank him for it. I would say if the young women of today experienced a gentleman they would appreciate it. My ex-husband could be a gentleman—it depended on his mood. When we got dressed up to go out he would open doors for me and pulled out my chair and helped me with my coat. If a young man has a gentleman for a father and role model he may be one.”

“Absolutely….I believe every woman wants to find a gentleman. Although, I think there are a few that look for, and like, the nasty and aggressive types. More so in that age group than us older folks! ”

“Chivalry is noted by a code of honor to yourself and all others whose path you may cross. It is honoring an ancient code of ethics much like a medical code to “do no harm” It is doing the right thing when no one is looking, being honest, committed to your word, and being generous. Thru history it was a code noted to only men but that was a time where women did not have choices or equality. Now women have choices of career, marriage, living arrangements the list is endless. So I see chivalry is a respect one has for their self. We can only expect people to treat us with the same respect and value we have for our self. It is our own weakness, fears, and shame that will bind and control our lives. It will affect every decision we will make and the friends/colleagues that we may interact with. It is looking in the mirror, changing and reframing on our own weakness. How can we expect a specific behavior of chivalry when we don’t expect from our self.”

FROM A MAN’S POINT OF VIEW

“I think ANY woman with her “head on straight” appreciates a man who is a gentleman and treats her with respect. I tend to date woman 10‑15 yrs younger than myself because I find woman around my age boring. They tend to dwell on past problems, marriages, etc…and I’m NOT down for that.

Any woman who doesn’t appreciate a “gentleman” is sending a clear message that she lacks a lot of respect for herself! I know one thing Kim, If I’ve been told once…I’ve been told 1000′s of times by women…. If a man can make them “laugh”…. they’re probably going to want to keep seeing them again & again! I’ve proven this theory many, many times.”

“I’m drawing on all the mistakes “I” made over the years to get where I am now!! I have to say…..this info is a tremendous help with the dating situations now!…….My ex-wife taught me a “wealth” of things over the years that’s really helped me….and still is now!”

“I think that any woman who is mature enough to appreciate being treated like a woman would date an older man. I am not so sure a 20-year-old woman is ready for that. There could be exceptions but I think that any 30 yr old woman would. Do you know any???lol”

”I would not say that it is an insult to them however I typically don’t date women in that age range so I wouldn’t know too much everyone i date is in their 40′s for the most part. Always prefer the older woman the younger woman based on my experience with the few i have dated chivalry is dead it is about get with me and worry about the rest later and then the immaturity that comes with younger women as well.

It seems like in general that the younger crowd is influenced by today’s music and since chivalry has long left most music everyone is about the bedroom 1st, then other things second. I even get younger ones that assume the 1st thing you want is sex if you don’t bring it up right away they feel as though something is wrong with you. Chivalry is dead for sure (LOL)”

“As with many things in life—what we know at 30…we wish we knew at 20—what we know at 40…we wish we knew at 25…and so on. ‘If I knew then, what I know now…’ is the old adage that has been said for generations.”—Kim Mitchell

Now I’m looking forward to receiving more feedback from others by posting my question here on my blog.

In a couple months my book will be complete and online for purchase. It offers helpful information which guides women to a better outcome in their relationships. It shows women what they could be getting from their relationships—chivalry, self-worth, along with many other topics that will guide them in their journey.

—Kim Mitchell

So tell me…What does chivalry mean to you???