Mother-Enmeshed Men: Is A Mother-Enmeshed Man Projecting The Mother He Wanted Into His Mother?

If a man is in a position where practically his whole life revolves around his mother and he is in a relationship, it can be hard for his partner to understand what is going on. But, as he will be her son, not her parent, this is to be expected.

Moreover, he will be an individual who has his own needs and feelings. Therefore, he is not here to act as though he is an extension of his mother; he is here to live his own life.

A Brick Wall

However, although he will be living in a way that is not serving him, he might not be aware of this. And, if his partner were to talk to him about what is going on, he might not be able to hear what she says.

He is then going to have eyes to see but it won’t be possible for him to see what is right in front of him. As opposed to him being a conscious human being, then, it will be as if he is a programmed machine.

Self-Harm

This machine will have been programmed to behave in a way that serves one person in particular. The trouble is that, as he is not a machine and has needs and feelings, behaving in this way will be wearing him down.

He can then make out that he is behaving in the right way but he is still going to be depriving himself. At this point, it can be hard to understand why he would be behaving in a way that is undermining him and be comfortable doing so.

Two Levels

Nonetheless, while he will be harming himself, if behaving in this way wasn’t serving him in some way, he wouldn’t behave in this way. To understand how he is benefitting, it will be necessary to take a deeper look at what his early years were like.

This is likely to have been a stage of his life when he was greatly deprived and deeply wounded. In all likelihood, his mother was unable to provide him with the love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way.

The Reason

She had probably been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years. This would have meant that she was developmentally stunted and unable to truly be there for her son.

Deep down, she is likely to have seen her son as a being who could give her what she missed out on. A time when her son needed to receive would then have been a time when he was forced to give and be there for his mother.

Frozen In Time

Many, many years will have passed since he was a boy, but, a big part of him won’t have moved on from this stage of his life. In other words, his physical and mental self will have grown but his emotional self won’t have.
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At a deeper level, the level of his unconscious mind, he will still be looking for the love that he missed out on all those years ago. Along with the unmet development needs that he is carrying, there will be all the pain that his brain repressed.

Hidden

His conscious mind is then going to be unaware of what is taking place for him at this level but this material will be controlling his life. Focusing on his mother will be a way for him to try to meet his unmet developmental needs and keep his pain at bay.

What this will illustrate is that, at a deeper level, it is not possible for him to see that it is too late for him to meet these needs and that his mother is unable to love him. This shows that the view that this other part of him has of his mother has very little basis in reality.

A Closer Look

When it comes to the view that he has of her, it can relate to her being loving, warm, caring and good. He will believe that if he continues to focus on her and does what he can to please her, she will shower him with her love.

What this is likely to show is that, to handle to pain that he experienced as a child, he came to believe that he was bad and was at fault and that his mother was good and wasn’t at fault. This is partly a consequence of the fact that he was egocentric and personalised what was going on and partly a consequence of the fact that blaming himself gave him a false sense of control and the hope that he could change what was going on.

Facing Reality

If he had accepted what she was like all those years ago, it would have been too much for him to handle. Now that he is an adult, he is a lot stronger, but, as he will be carrying a number of unmet developmental needs and the pain that he had to repress, seeing his mother for who she is, not who he wants her to be would unlock a lot of pain.

For him to no longer project the mother he wanted into this mother and see her clearly, he will have a lot of pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.