How Can I Trust Myself in Dating Ever Again?

Dear Ms. Ruth,

Sorry, I am not one for formalities; but the heading just sounded right! LOL. I am actually wondering if/when I will be able to actually “see” the guys I’m interested in for who they are?

I dated a guy for three years when I found out that he was a porn addict. As you could imagine…my trust issues; not to mention my self esteem , had been tossed in the trash!

My Response:

Many people ask themselves after a break-up why they were so deluded to get involved with someone who eventually turned out to be really unhealthy. Along with that comes the ubiquitous Self-Critic that is getting her chance to really rag on you and she goes for it! That inner critic is calling you names like: Stupid, Dumb, Idiot. Boy – that is fun.

So the first step is to have a few (or many) conversations with your inner nag. From my perspective, a metaphysical one, no relationship is a waste. Many times people are drawn to each other for what you could term “bigger” reasons in terms of their larger life path. For instance, in the beginning of these types of connections there is a pull, an attraction, that is irresistible, and the two people start a relationship. Later, when things fall apart, we forget that we did have a reason to have gotten involved in the first place. Thus the self –criticism.

And the reasons people are attracted to each other are varied. Relationships are mirrors that help us learn more about ourselves. Discovering what you learned about yourself is the fastest way to get the critic to stop her harangue. Ask yourself whether you were emotionally healthy – meaning fairly free of fears, doubts and insecurities - when you got involved. (Answer: No). Instead of your critical voice telling you are Dumb, if it has to pick at you (and it does), have it remind you that you won’t have perfectly happy, fulfilling, emotionally healthy relationships until You are there. That is the place where relationships go awry.

The interesting thing about this case is that you DID have internal warnings along the way that you chose to ignore. In our culture, we are taught to care much more about what other people think and feel than our own thoughts and feelings. Not that you don’t care about your own, it is just that you too – like many of us – have gotten good at stuffing our own instincts, intuition and inner wisdom , in the name of, oh, a bunch of other things: logic, reason, what others say, fear, cultural norms, and so on.

The best way to have great antennae for others is to develop great antennae for the inner you – all of it. This may seem counter-logical, but it is how it gets done. The more tuned-in you are to you, and the more centered, calm, in harmony with yourself you become, the easier it is to pick up on others who carry around mixed signals and inner conflicts. As you know, if you are healthy, happy and whole, then you will quickly pick up on others that are not carrying that energy or vibration. That is your goal. Then you can be confident when meeting people.

Does this make sense?

MR

UPDATE — And here is her response to the blog:

Thank you so much for answering my question! You hit it right on the head; you were right about everything! But you already knew that! LOL! I definitely have learned a lot from that relationship. I really hope it does help someone else out there; thank you for blogging about it!

Contact Margaret Ruth on Facebook, email mr@margaretruth.com or go to www.margaretruth.com .