3-Steps To Asking Better Questions by Michael Harris, PhD

Everyone knows one of THOSE PEOPLE; someone whose language patterns are so negative that you wonder if anyone can help them out of their “self-imposed messes” that they have created. I get those too, not a lot of them, but occasionally.

I have a client that for a while now; I’ve been attempting to help with their present issues without much movement one way or another.

Generally, my solution when I encounter people or clients like that is LET THEM GO. I figure that whatever the missing resonance is, has to do with our empathetic connection. Unless I have that connection with someone, they would be better served seeking another professional other than me.

I let them go so they can seek out the correct therapist with the correct resonance. In this case, I chose to stay engaged a little longer even though the progress the client was making (or wasn’t making) was unacceptable based on their goals and intentions.

Today was the day that the breakthrough occurred! It was, of course, something simple as it usually is and I thought I would save you some time by JUST TELLING YOU the solution…ASK BETTER QUESTIONS.

Asking better questions is the process of COMPLETE ACCEPTANCE of whatever is going on and wondering what the “ learning ” is going to be.

In this case, I asked the client to place their hand on the area of their body where they were experiencing an emotion and ask this question, “WHAT CAN I LEARN FROM THIS? Sounds simple, doesn’t it? It is. It is so simple that I’m considering slapping my forehead at the ease that the client switched gears after asking that question aloud.

I thought I would just give you the 3-step process. The process will allow you to GET SOME TRACTION whenever you have a emotion that is bogging you down or you need to make an important decision that you have as yet to make. ASK A BETTER QUESTION and you’ll get a better answer.

3-Steps to Asking Better Questions

Step #1
Identify the thought AND emotion that is associated with this problem, issue or decision that you are experiencing. Words, pictures in our heads are ALL linked to emotional responses, whether we pay attention to the emotions or not.WORDS MEAN THINGS to us, other people and most importantly to our physiology.
Pick ONLY ONE emotion at a time and if you have to repeat this process with another emotion FINISH THIS PROCESS FIRST before going after the next feeling or emotion.

Step #2Notice where in your body that you are experiencing this emotion. It could be in your heart, your head, in the abdominal region or anywhere. Once you have identified this emotion in your body PUT YOUR HAND ON IT.

Step #3Ask this question. WHAT CAN I LEARN FROM THIS? Asking this question, in this manner requires your brain to search for answers in different areas of your brain. This can happen immediately or can take anywhere from a few seconds to a couple of days depending on the seriousness of the decision or complexity of the emotion. However long it takes… that doesn’t matter. What does matter is that you begin asking the question and KEEP ASKING UNTIL YOU GET AN ANSWER.

Our brains are designed to store information and retrieve it. By asking better questions, we are actually giving our minds something to do rather than hyper-focus on a problem. The syntax of the question actually does the reverse. This question hyper-focuses you on finding an answer to the question. By framing problems and difficulties as learning events, it allows to minamalize the problem and maximizes finding the solution.

Once your BRAIN GETS THE HINT that you’re going to DO THIS EVERYTIME you have a problem or need to make a decision, it will START DOING THIS AUTOMATICALLY.

If you need more information on this topic or just want to have a conversation about how coaching can improve your decision-making processes send me an email to drm@drmichaelharris.com , I’ll be happy to answer any questions that you might have.