Saving Your Marriage

By Michael Fehlauer

1. Identify the core issues –The first step in saving your marriage is to make the distinction between the symptoms and the core issues. Only after the core issues are identified can you take the first step in repairing the relationship. There is a verse in the bible that says,“When the foundations are being destroyed, what can the righteous do?”

Your marriage will never be stronger than the foundation it’s built on. There are things in the course of your marriage that can chip away at the foundation of your relationship. To experience restoration, it is imperative to identify what those issues are and eliminate them.

2. Determine what you want your marriage to look like –Begin to work from the end to the beginning. Decide what you want your marriage to look like 5, 10 or 20 years from now. Here are some questions that would be good to take the time to answer. What level of intimacy do you want to have? How deep do you want your communication level to be? What kind of culture do want to define your home? What kind of legacy do you want to leave your children?

3. Establish expectations –In saving your marriage it is important to understand what your expectations should be. There are expectations that are realistic and necessary for a healthy marriage. In contrast, there are expectations that are unrealistic.

For example, trust in the marriage is a must. Faithfulness sexually and emotionally should be non-negotiable. Other expectations that are vital to saving your marriage may not be as clear. Getting outside help in establishing what are appropriate expectations is invaluable.

4. Cultivate an environment for restoration –The environment of the home must be conducive for the restoration of your marriage. The emotional and spiritual investments you make in one another will determine the environment of your relationship.

Five years ago, our marriage was devastated! It looked as if there wasn’t any way our marriage would survive. Once we had decided to save the marriage, we began to create a climate that would help facilitate healing in our relationship.

One thing we decided was to make consistent emotional and spiritual investments in one another. We started to take one evening a week to dialogue and pray together.

Another decision we made that created a climate for healing was to take the path of forgiveness . Actually, it was Bonnie making the decision to forgive me. Often, forgiveness seems impossible. Yet, Bonnie discovered a spiritual secret that empowered her to forgive and forget.

5. Commit to a greater level of transparency and accountability –Just as Bonnie had the choice to forgive, I had the choice to do whatever was necessary to rebuild the trust I had violated. Of couples surveyed, 63% said that trust in marriage is an aspect they can’t live without. Trust in marriage is foundational to saving your marriage. Bonnie made it clear to me what she needed in order to be able to trust again.

6. Seek help from the right people –When it comes to saving your marriage, you may need help from someone else. When thinking about getting outside help, I want to encourage you with an old African proverb that says, “Never buy clothes from a naked man.” In other words, don’t seek advice from someone who is not qualified to help. What’s the qualification needed? Seek help from someone who has a healthy marriage.

The damage in a marriage can be so deep that it might require help from a professional counselor. This is the path Bonnie and I took. The help we received from our counselor was a key element is seeing God’s healing in our marriage.

If you seek the services of a professional counselor, do your research. Sometimes the counselor you initially choose may not be the right one. Don’t be discouraged and continue to look. God will lead you to the counselor that is right for you.

God is committed to your total victory! His desire is to bring the healing necessary to your marriage. Press through the pain. His grace is sufficient for your weakness. It’s worth the effort and the rewards are eternal!