My Divorce Journal - Concern About My Behavior?

Last week I was sharing what brought me into Al-Anon. This week I’m noticing who has expressed concern about my behavior and the recognition of when my life is unmanageable.

Then – 3/20/2004

“Journal question – Who has expressed concern about my behavior ? My health? My children? Give examples.

The people closest to me have expressed concern like my family and Tricia. My mom has expressed concern about everything regarding me and the kids. My mother has finally come to terms with the fact that I am not in love with ‘Carl’ and that we are living together for the sake of the kids. She’s concerned about my needs, but for now, my needs involve giving the kids some normalcy. Tricia has expressed concern about me and the kids, but especially for my sanity and happiness .

Journal question – How do I know when my life is unmanageable?

When I can’t find time for myself to read, nap, laugh. I can take on a lot of responsibility but when I don’t make time for myself, I feel agitated and overwhelmed. I have been learning for awhile how to manage things myself because emotionally and physically ‘Carl’ has not been ‘all there’. I think things might become unmanageable when I can’t remove myself from his situation; when I get brought down by it. I can juggle all the balls I have in the air but his problems can sometimes bump into me and cause me to drop some. I need to stay focused on what needs to get done and how to make myself happy.”

Now - 7/10/11

In retrospect, the question about my behavior is interesting. I answered that question from the perspective of my friends and family worrying about my needs, not my behavior, because I don’t think that I thought my behavior warranted concern from an outsider’s perspective. However, inside I was feeling like a basket case; I just didn’t let it show. I was slowly hitting a rock bottom that I did not recognize was happening.

The fact that I felt my behavior was hiding what was really going on inside of me completely ties into the next question regarding my life being unmanageable. I can see now that everyone’s definition of ‘unmanageable’ is as unique as the situation and the people involved. There have been times when people have been shocked that I was able to handle a situation so calmly and then there have been times when I’ve broken down over something seemingly small.

Getting honest with myself was the first important step and then letting people know what I was really feeling was the next. I understand much more about myself and how to handle difficulties because of all the clarity I received in Al-Anon.