How to Date when You Feel Insecure

I'm not against collecting advice, tips, techniques, ideas and even a coterie of pick-up lines. In fact, I strongly advise getting advised. Unless you think you've failed if it doesn't work for you.

Even the best dating advice can leave you feeling like a jilted lover. It can inspire and arouse you, and then disappoint you later. Think of finding your best approach to meeting someone new like getting fitted for an overcoat. You can try it on - but buy it only if it really fits well and feels comfortable.

How do you know if advice is good for you? If it works! Don't waste time trying to be outgoing, flirt, listen, open your heart and mind, or do whatever doesn't feel comfortable. Don't forget - anything goes. The more important thing is for you to focus not on some external reality that you want to superimpose on to your life, but rather, concentrate on what is going on WITH YOU.For example, let's say you freeze up every time a cute person comes along. I know you've tried to force yourself to talk, be witty, interesting and sexy. Chances are, you get the opposite result -am I right! Well if there's nothing you can do, is it hopeless? NO!!!

The thing for you to focus on is what happens when you freeze. Are you thinking "I'm going to blow it, now, I'm not going to be funny, interesting, sexy, and this person is NEVER GOING TO WANT ME?" If the answer to this question is yes, don't fight it.

"Don't fight it?" You're probably thinking I'm crazy right now, suggesting it's OK to fall flat on your face. I'm not. What I am suggesting is that trying so hard NOT to, doesn't help. What does help? Here's my list:

1.Acknowledge The Feelings.

Have you ever tried just telling yourself at the "moment of truth" that "oh, oh, here come those feelings again. They're going to grab me like a noose around my neck, and make me drown".

2.Take a deep breath.

When feelings that threaten to throw you off course are raging in your system, it's not easy to move on. Taking a breath can help you settle into the feelings. Allowing them in, instead of furiously pushing them away, can actually help you master them. The energy you usually spend denying, suppressing or hating them, can be better spend achieving your goal: saying hello and starting to talk to the object of your desire...

3.Talk.

Forget about being witty, funny, sexy, interesting or anything positive. JUST FORGET IT! Know that you are nervous, but that your interest in connecting is genuine and real. Say hello. Introduce yourself. Start a conversation about something in your mutual environment, or about the weather, or something that might have just happened to you. You're allowed to be nervous and even stumble over your words. It can be cute. Don't worry. Just connect.

4.Fail.

Failure and rejection are about as inevitable to dating as droughts are to crops on Southern farms. Exposing yourself to failure can help you acclimate to the emotion and loosen its grip over your ability to be creative and comfortable. That's why I recommend dating services - they increase your chances of getting rejected on a regular basis.

5.Grow.

If you think there may be something wrong with you or your approach, use this painful idea as a stepping-stone for exploration, thought, writing and conversation. You may be wrong or you may be right - but there's only one way to find out. Test your hypothesis, and do some research on yourself and on the world. You have nothing to lose.

6.Learn.

Now's the time for dating advice. Once you have your feelings well in hand, you may be ready for some tips. But you won't be pushing yourself in a direction that you just can't go. This time, you will be in synch with your ultimate desire, and your nervousness will be in check enough for you to try to flirt, or try a new "line" or do something to expand your repertoire of connecting, that you may not have thought of or tried before. You're ready. Go.