How to Avoid Some of the Pitfalls of Grandparenting

There is truth and there is truth. Sometimes the context in which you tell the truth, or withhold the truth, is as important as the truth itself.

I suspect that nowhere is this more true than in your relationships with your adult children and their children.

Now, I know that as a grandparent, you are just brimful of good advice on child-rearing for your son or daughter. You’ve done such a good job raising them that they must surely just be waiting and hoping for your gems of wisdom .

In fact, it must only be their carefully inculcated (by your fine example) modesty that keeps them from seeking your advice. It would be unseemly for them to say, “Mom (or Dad), you did such a great job raising me, will you help me raise my kids?”

Of course, there may be a few minor character flaws that they must have inherited from the other side of the family or, more likely, caught like a virus from their spouse.

It’s only natural, and part of a grandparent’s responsibility, to want to be sure that these little idiosyncrasies don’t get passed on to your grandchildren, right?

How can I put this in the most kindly manner? Let me use an analogy. Analogies are perfectly innocuous linguistic constructs that get the message across without beating your audience over the head with it.

Imagine you have a neighbor. You’ve been neighbors for a very long time and are so close that you might have been siblings.

You have a lawn that is the envy of the Garden Club. Your grass is lush and pristine, your flower beds are a controlled riot of gorgeously coordinated color. You are rightfully proud of it.

Your neighbor, who has been busy with other things, hasn’t maintained their lawn in a manner that is quite up to your standards. There are dandelions (!) in their grass. Their flower beds are filled with weeds and spindly flowers that seem to hang their heads in shame.

With all the good will in the world and the best of intentions, you lavish your neighbor with gardening advice. Being polite, your neighbor refrains from telling you to mind your own business, so you think that they are drinking in all your insights and will surely put your teachings in action immediately.

But nothing happens. The dandelions turn to puffballs and cast their little dandelion seeds far and wide. The weeds in your neighbor’s flower beds thrive in direct proportion to the wilting of the flowers.

So you take matters into your own hands. You sneak over at night and spray their lawn with weedkiller. How were you to know that they were allergic to that particular chemical?

Feeling badly, you go over while they are at the hospital on oxygen and weed their flower beds for them. Since their flowers are so pathetic, you pull them out, too. To cheer them when they come home to convalesce, you go buy some perennials and plant them in their flower beds.

Do you think your neighbor will thank you?

More likely, they will think that you are a meddling old fool who is trying to show them up. In fact, they may never speak to you again.

Dear friend, you run the same risk when you presume to tell your son or daughter how to raise their children.

And, lest you think that you can raise their children behind their backs, let me tell you that the dangers increase sevenfold, because your child will undoubtedly see your interference (which is how they will veiw it) as an implied criticism of their parenting (which it is) and either withhold your grandchildren from you or, what may be worse, dump them on you altogether.

To avoid either of these painful extremes, follow these simple rules:

Learn to love tongue sandwiches – which is to say, learn to keep your mouth shut when you find something that you would do differently.

Never, ever criticize your son or daughter, OR their spouse, in front of their children.

On the other hand, never maintain a stony or stoic silence if you find (God forbid) that your grandchildren are being abused.

Only give advice when it is asked for and only give the advice asked for. A simple question about how to relieve the pain of teething should not be met with a full dissertation on childrearing practices in advanced societies (namely, your home).

If your grandchildren engage in behavior that you cannot tolerate (such as trying to carry your cat by the tail), you may point out that that behavior is not acceptable as long as they are in your house.

Refrain for saying things like, “Does your Mommy let you do that?” or “Would you do that in your own home?” (Chances are you won’t like the answer.)

Always ask your son or daughter before giving your grandchildren that candy bar or ice cream cone they beg for half an hour before lunchtime.

Spoil your grandchildren with love, not expensive gifts that their parents can’t afford or have chosen not to buy. Don’t let your grandchildren get into the habit of doing an end-run around their parents by asking you for things and privileges that their parents have refused.

Refrain from reminiscing about raising eight kids, doing laundry with a wringer type washer, baking your own bread, keeping your house spic and span and turning out candlelight dinners for your husband when he returned home from work.

(Your two children will wonder what happened to the other six children and, having found an untruth, will discount anything else you say. Or, if you really did have eight children and do all those things, they will see it as implied criticism of them.)

In other words, stay out of your neighbor’s garden.