Horses are Natural Peacemakers...that's what they are perfect for the emotional impact of divorce

Horses are natural peacemakers

As I was growing up, I often found myself in the role of family peacemaker and wondered what it would take for people to focus more on the ways that connected them rather than divided them particularly within families .

I guess this is one of the reasons why I decided to study law, and to forge a long career in divorce / family and litigation law.

The role of peacemaker never really left me either – always preferring to find a solution than to go into battle – which to me only seemed to prevent finding a solution, until all the parties had fallen out to the point of no return.

In fact the more I thought about being the peacemaker, the more I realised through my work that the whole world seemed like one big dysfunctional family .

I guess it was this realisation, my own family circumstances and my work as a lawyer that eventually led me to the path of learning about people, how the mind works, life coaching, Neuro linguistic programming and psychotherapy.

After many years of study I succeeded in qualifying as an Advanced Master Practitioner in NLP, and as a Clinical Psychotherapy Consultant.

Through my studies, I learned that awareness of our thoughts and behaviour, applies to our mental and emotional patterns, and how one person imposes his or her agenda at the expense of the other, who in turn often passively surrenders to the other’s control.

As a horse owner, I studied Horsemanship or as some would call it “horse whispering principles” and applied them to my own life. As a result people came to me wanting to know more about this thing called “Horse-Man-Ship” kind of personal development and problem solving, and how I apply these dynamics to humans interacting with one another.

So why do I use horses to help families going through a divorce ? This is my answer.

A herd to a horse is a family. Collaboration in a herd occurs naturally, with horses looking out for one another — unlike the us versus them approach that humans can too often take, particularly in divorce and separation cases. One of the reasons for this is because horses are prey animals, hunted by predators.

Humans on the other hand are both predators and prey – depending on their emotional state and physical behaviour. This predator-prey behaviour and the switch from one to the other coupled with the lack of awareness of that behaviour, is where conflict begins and escalate.

Horse-Man-Ship has helped me see how horses are natural peacemakers and how the herd dynamic can be a model for human family behaviour.

When people “join up,” as it is called in horse whispering, a genuine connection results that makes everything run more smoothly.

I believe, in fact I know that the same principles can be used when working with parents, children and families who are going through the emotional impact of a divorce or separation.

The parents so often forget that through their children there is an irreversible link, nay a bond that is the child that they have together brought into this world. So often one parent in a breakup will take on the role of a predator, the other and the children being the prey.

Very often I will witness at least one if not both parties use predatory tactics in an effort to be successful – at the expense of the child(ren) of the marriage .

They will pitch their arguments aggressively, regardless of whether or not common sense has been applied, whilst those that are left in their wake are vulnerable, fearful which often leads to anger and hatred.

If we are predatory, we might get what we want, but it usually harms the connection. Just as horses read intentions, so do people, particularly your children — and connection is there whether you like it or not, because of the child you have together.

This is one of the reasons why I bring horses into the equation in my work within Divorced Kids – as horses provide that needed reminder of “Don’t put your purpose before your connection.”