Expecting a Funeral, Planning a Wedding: A Surgeon’s Brush with Emotional Genius

Growing Your Emotional IQ:

The little chamber orchestra playing secular music for a couple of Christian missionaries was the first clue this wedding was going to be different. The second clue was the barefoot bridesmaids with matching ankle bracelets. It was a typical Fort Worth, scorching afternoon; and the heat just seemed to shimmer around the old Methodist Church. After the bridesmaids came the bride, Kimmie,* just as barefoot as the day she was born.

Growing up with her missionary parents in Africa, Kimmie never much cared for shoes. She was however, gorgeous in a strapless long white wedding gown. Jacob,* the groom, waited for his bride-to-be with a splitting smile. They beamed at each other with such happiness; their vows seemed eclipsed by the simple beauty of their love.

Sealing their marriage with a passionate kiss, released by the minister, they turned together and skipped down the aisle and into their future; much to the smiles of their guests. Barely a dry eye in the house, the crowd rose to their feet for the procession.

The bride’s mother and father, glowing in their own right, followed the wedding party down the aisle. Just as they reached the last pews the Father-of-the-Bride saw an old gentleman, standing near the aisle, tears streaming down his face. The two men embraced. A silent moment of understanding and gratitude passed between them.

The sodden cheeked cowboy, dapperly dressed in full regalia—grey suite, boots, big belt buckle, and bolo tie—was Kimmie’s surgeon, Dr. Creighton Edwards. Together they knew what she had endured to skip down that aisle. As her father said later, “All these years we thought we’d be planning a funeral. Who knew we’d be planning a wedding.”

When Kimmie was eighteen months old doctors found a large, solid tumor in her vagina. The standard treatment at that time for such a virulent, dangerous tumor was a full Pelvic “Removal;” vagina, uterus, ovaries, and often the bladder and rectum, too. This radical surgery would leave the baby girl with a colostomy bag, a urinary diversion, and no female sex and hormonal organs.

With advances in chemo and radiation therapy, Dr. Edwards argued for a less radical surgery. Skillfully, he only removed Kimmie’s vagina, where the tumor was located, and created the urinary diversion.

Kimmie was able to grow up with her own ovaries intact. Just before she hit puberty she underwent another surgery to create her a new vagina.

Unfortunately, in her late teenage years the cancer came back. Twice. Finally they had to remove her uterus and ovaries. And yet, as the unique wedding revealed, here was a twenty-seven year-old, happy, healthy, young woman; primed for a new life, together with her husband carrying on her parent’s mission, spreading the good news of Christ’s love for everyone.

Dr. Creighton Edwards is a fine example of Emotional Intelligence . He’s a 73 year old, old-school, gentleman doctor; now on staff at The Baylor College of Medicine. They call him the Cowboy Surgeon because he always operates in his boots. His specialty is Gyn Oncology—female reproductive cancer.

Dr. Creighton Edwards

Dr. Edwards is internationally respected as an innovative surgeon, teacher, and doctor. One of his most unusual talents; however, is patient care. In a time when doctors in general, cancer doctors in particular, treat patients like objects, Dr. Edwards is known for his care; his ability to be present with his patients through all the many stages of their treatment. He has the rare Emotional IQ to stay gently, fiercely open-hearted and connected to his patients, even till death in many cases. Creighton is a genius with Emotional IQ.

I’ve seen many of my own friends die of AIDS and didn’t manage my own emotions and grief as well as I would have liked. I asked Dr. Edwards once how he stays open and caring in the face of so much dying . He said simply, “I think of all the lives I help and save. It gives me strength.” Certainly moments like the joy and tears at Kimmie’s wedding help to make it worth while. And then there’s the quality of Living given to those who hear Cancer’s clarion call, no matter what the outcome of their diagnosis.

What is Emotional IQ?

Peaking Emotional IQ requires us to master our emotions. So often we are hijacked by these powerful feelings that course through our bodies; helpless to change how we react to them. Raising our Emotional IQ, our emotional maturity, passes through three stages of development: Selfish, Care, and Cosmic Care.

Emotional IQ at Selfish is the “what’s in it for me” phase. It’s also the stage where we treat other people as objects rather than human beings. This is where many doctors retreat to deal with the overwhelming grief and stress of their jobs—it’s easier to treat people like things instead of feel their pain and fear.

Care is the level of Emotional development when we genuinely care for the other people in our lives. The focus changes from Me (as in Selfish) to Us (as in Care). This shift is an important and necessary change of perspective for Emotional growth.

Cosmic Care is the open-heartedness to all of life, All of Us; the shift from Us (Care) to All of Us (Cosmic Care). At Cosmic Care we love all of humanity deeply, our animal friends; the dance of the sky/earth song around us. This peak of care also requires a tremendous open-heartedness to the suffering of the world around us, with the ability to stay centered in ourselves without being tossed away by our deepening emotions.

Emotional IQ also includes three other domains of living: Breath, Diet , and Sacred Sex. You may have noticed the powerful effects that breathing, food and drink, and sexual desire can have on your emotions, or vice versa.

It’s worth noting that many of the compulsions and addictions prominent in American society; smoking, over/under eating, binge-drinking, and sex are ways people cope with their emotions. Peaking Emotional IQ requires us to master the flow of our emotions, our breath, nutrition , and the art of sacred sex.

A simple Exercise for Growing Emotional IQ

Center and Stretch—

In my last article I stressed the importance of “centering.” ** It’s the foundation of all martial arts movement. Centering also has an emotional facet (and a mental, moral, and spiritual component, but that’s another Oprah). When we are emotionally centered we feel at peace with peace with ourselves everyone around us. Grow that sense of peace and recognize it intimately.

I use a simple breath to bring me “back to center” when I feel hijacked by anger, or fear, or doubt. It’s so effective I call it the Valium Breath.

Breathe in for a count of three

Pause for a count of one

Breathe out for a count of six

Pause for a count of one

Breathe like this for a minute, two, five, or ten. The emphasis on the exhale actually soothes our nerves, relaxes our body, and calms our mind.

When I practice to “hold my emotional center” I can walk into intense situations and actually hold-on to my peace of heart; or al least bounce back quickly.

The more I Stretch myself in this way the easier it is to Be Present with people and my circumstances without losing-it. I can be with what is happening, my reality, as my friend. In this way I can demonstrate the kind of Emotional Genius Dr. Creighton Edwards shows with his patients.

*The names are changed to protect their privacy.