Divorce: Why It's Important Not to Alienate Children From Their Parents

Divorce : Why It's Important Not to Alienate Children from Their Parents
by Rosemary Fansher, M.A. aka HighConflictExpert

I have been a High Conflict Expert for many years. Sometimes I feel like I have seen and heard it all! One of my jobs as a high conflict expert is being court-appointed as a Parenting Coordinator for high-conflict couples. A Parenting Coordinator is an exceptionally well-trained professional in the area of conflict resolution. We must have at least a Master's degree and years of advanced training. As a Parenting Coordinator, I have seen first-hand the result that parents' hatred has on their children. It is devastating to the children and it affects them all of their lives. There are many reasons it is important not to alienate your child to or from the other parent. From my vast amount of research and many years of experience with high-conflict couples, I will attempt to enlighten you to just a few of them.
The best reason I can think of not to alienate your child from his or her other parent is because your child is part you, part the other parent. It has been said, "If you say something bad about my parent, you are insulting my DNA!" Any insult you hurl towards your child's parent hurts your child because he or she is a part of that former lover or spouse. One of the most harmful and hurtful statements I have ever heard came from a father who said to his young daughter, "You're a bitch just like your Mother." Except for a miracle from God, there is little way that daughter can overcome her father's cruel, demeaning words and verbal abuse .
Words are powerful and when they come from an authority figure, in this case, from a father, they are even more powerful. Children look to their parents for a sense of who they are. When a parent tells a child she is a "bitch," subconsciously she will do her best to prove him right. Is it any surprise that this same child became unruly, rebellious, negative, and impossible for anybody to get along with?
Be very careful what you say to your children. They follow your example and oftentimes repeat your mistakes. They will say to their children what they have heard and they will treat people like they were treated. They call other people names they were called. If they were verbally abused, they more often than not become verbal abusers and the cycle continues. The only way to stop the cycle of abuse is to never start it. Some call it "generational sin." It is passed down from one generation to another.
Your example and what your children see you do always speaks louder than what you tell them to do. There's a lot of truth in the old adage, "Your actions scream so loudly that I cannot hear a word that you are saying."
Another reason not to alienate your child from their other parent is because hatred breeds hatred. A child learns what he lives, as the saying goes. When a parent hurts the other parent, you are only hurting your child. Even if you don't care anything about the other parent anymore, even if you don't care about being a kind person yourself, at the very least, think of your child! You are destroying your child's self-esteem with your actions and words.
Children have the right to grow up in peace and free of conflict. They did not get to choose their parents. It is not their fault that the two of you can't get along. Remember this: once, a long time ago, before you hated each other's guts, you were madly in love with each other and couldn't get enough of each other. There is something wrong within you and your ex-spouse that caused such great love to turn to hatred. Find out what that something is because you will keep repeating the same mistakes throughout your life.
Don't be fooled. Your children will eventually "figure it out," so to speak, if you try to manipulate, control, or alienate them from their other parent. Your attempts will backfire on you. Your child will resent you for stealing their childhood, filling it with arguing and fighting and putting them in the middle of adult situations and conversations. You have polluted their memories and you have stolen their innocence. Someday they will probably be sitting in a therapist's office, trying amid many tears to forgive you and make some sense of their own relationships and life. Spare them this pain, please.
Treasure and nurture your child and love him or her more than you hate your former lover. That's the key - - -love more than you hate. Put your child's needs before your own. It is a scary thought to a child that you once loved their other parent and then suddenly, for some unknown reason, you told yourself that love died. Then they think the love you have for them could die, too, if they do the wrong thing or say the wrong thing.
A very foolish man once said, "Sometimes love lets go." He was wrong. Dead wrong. Love never lets go. It never gives up. It holds on. Love "believes all things, endures all things, love never fails," the Bible says. Give your children the security of knowing love does not die and that you will not someday stop loving them. All people need unconditional love. There is no other kind. Conditional love is not real love. It is based on behavior or circumstances and is unstable and immature. Teach your children how to love fully and completely and unconditionally.
If you want to have a well-adjusted, likable, successful child, do not say anything negative about the other parent in the child's presence and do not allow others to do so. Emphasize the good qualities they received from both parents and from God. Illustrate respect and love to all people and that includes the one with whom you chose to create a child.