Breaking Patterns

Do you have any unwanted patterns in your life? You know, those rituals, cycles, routines, and habits that you wish you could break?

Here’s one way to start making some changes.

Identify your unwanted pattern. Then ask yourself,

“What is my payoff for keeping this pattern going?”

By identifying your payoff, you can see what it is you’re avoiding.

For me, I can easily keep myself too busy. My payoff for staying too busy is that I don’t have to check in and see if I’m happy. I also don’t have to evaluate whether or not I’m doing what I really want to do. If I discovered that I’m not happy and I want to be doing something different, I may have to make a change. And that change might be hard. [Gulp. No wonder I keep myself busy!]

Here are two other examples as to how this may play out:

For people who overeat, one payoff is that they can stuff their emotions with food and avoid feeling their feelings.

For people who try to “fix” other people who are angry or upset, a payoff could be that they can avoid feeling the discomfort of seeing others unhappy.

Look at your pattern straight in the eyes.

As someone with a stay-busy tendency, I need to notice when I’m busy and stop to ask, “How do I feel right now? What do I really want to be doing?”

For an overeater: Notice when you are using food to avoid feeling an emotion, and ask “What am I really feeling?” Also consider what thoughts are causing those feelings.

For a “fixer”: Notice when you are trying to influence another’s emotions. Ask, “Why do I want to make them feel better?” Also notice your own thoughts and emotions.

Listen to the answers and act accordingly.

Once we see what we’re avoiding and ask the tough questions, we need to listen to the answers and act accordingly.

When I asked my two questions last week, I discovered that I was mentally drained, and I wanted to do nothing all weekend.

For an overeater: Maybe you notice that you are sad about something. Why are you sad? What can you change in your life to start to feel better?

For a “fixer”: Maybe you want to make another feel better because you feel guilty about their unhappiness. Why is it your job to make them happy? What can you do to take care of yourself instead?

Follow through.

I listened to the answers I found within and had an lazy weekend all to myself. The result: I am feeling a little more rested and rejuvenated for the week ahead.

Identifying the underlying reasons for our patterns helps us find the wisdom and compassion to take care of ourselves.