Whenever there is a conflict or disagreement, the natural inclination of both parties is to push to get their way. Humans are wired to win. We are driven to get our power need met and we learn very early how to power over other people to get what we want.
Negotiation is a behavior a person has to learn. Most people don’t have an aversion to the other person winning, as long as they can win, too. However, most of us are unfamiliar with a true win/win model and believe it involves compromise, meaning one or both people have to at least give up some of what they want. This still feels like losing in many cases.
When you and your child come together for the express purpose of reaching a solution where you both get what you need, obviously you both win but the other big win is for your relationship. Your relationship is strengthened when you work together toward that common goal, while using “Caring Relationship Habits ” along the way.
Usually in a negotiation with your child, you are attempting to get your need for survival met by ensuring your child’s safety. Your child, on the other hand, is generally not even considering survival. He or she is most interested in love & belonging with friends, freedom to explore, freedom from parental restriction and the power to be his or her own boss and to explore the world.
The way to begin this negotiation is to agree that you have something to negotiate. Admitting you have a conflict is the first step to resolving it.
The second step is to actually listen to each other’s position. Because you are the parent, you need to listen first. The kind of listening I am referring to is listening for understanding. You don’t have to agree, just understand.
When your child feels sufficiently understood by you, it will be your turn to tell your child what you want. When you get your turn, try to stay focused on your job as a parent being keeping your children safe. It is very difficult for a child to fight against that concept. He or she may think you are doing too good a job at it, or complain you are being overprotective, but he or she will have a difficult time arguing it’s not your job to keep him or her safe.
Take some time with your child to develop your shared vision. Let him or her know what your concerns are and allow your child time to formulate and express his or her plan to manage each one. If your child doesn’t have a plan for avoiding the obstacles you are concerned about, then offer to help him or her reach a solution.
With Empowerment Parenting, you are attempting to avoid your child engaging in unsafe behaviors behind your back. You may believe you have wonderful, obedient children who would never defy your wishes. That may be true; however, I know that if any of their needs go unmet for a long enough time, they will have to at least attempt to find satisfying ways to meet those needs. The ways they choose may not be ways that are safe or responsible.
The best way to be successful is to decide ahead of time that you are both able to get your needs met in the situation. You can win, your child can win and consequently your relationship will win and become stronger.
Continuing to work it through until you find an acceptable solution for both of you is the goal. Never give up on your ability to create this third alternative. It is always within your grasp if both of you are willing to create it.
Kim Olver is a life and relationship coach. Her mission is to help people get along better with the important people in their lives, including themselves. She teaches people how to live from the inside out by empowering them to focus on the things they can change. She in an internationally recognized speaker, having worked in Australia, Europe and Africa, as well as all over the United States and Canada. She is the creator of the new, revolutionary process called, Inside Out Empowerment based on Dr. William Glasser's Choice Theory. She is a public speaker and provides workshops in the areas of relationships, parenting, and a variety of self-growth topics. She is the author of Leveraging Diversity at Work and the forthcoming book, Secrets of Successful Relationships. She co-authored a book with Ken Blanchard, Les Brown, Mark Victor Hansen and Byron Katie, entitled 101 Great Ways to Improve Your Life. She works with individuals, couples, parents, social service agencies, schools, corporations and the military--anyone who will benefit from gaining more effective control over their lives. She has consulted on relationships, parenting, self-development, training, leadership development, diversity, treatment programs and management styles.