Assumptions and Acknowledgements - The Opposing Sides of Effective Communication

Communication is the heart of relationships. Unless you're a hermit most people want to have great relationships in both their business and personal life. Assumptions and acknowledgements are opposing aspects of powerful communication. Assumptions lead to dysfunction and acknowledgments create positive interactions.

Assumptions are those things "accepted as true without proof." Often what you think about a situation may not be based on fact but rather your assumptions. This then leads down a path where your actions can create difficulties for you. For example Joyce arrived at work early in order to put the final touches on a presentation. Although she knew her material well, she was still quite nervous. During the presentation her direct manager answered his blackberry several times, someone else kept yawning and a third person was doodling. She assumed that this meant what she was saying was not on target and wasn't addressing what they wanted. As a result she became flustered and flubbed her presentation. What she didn't know was that her manager had a sick child at home and was receiving updates from the caretaker. The "yawner" hadn't slept well the previous night and the "doodler" always doodled as it helped to keep him focused. Joyce's assumptions interfered with her delivering the information in the way she wanted.

When Sue's boss said he wanted to speak with her, she immediately assumed she had done something wrong and would be reprimanded. She spent the day worrying, was unproductive and quite abrupt with her staff. When she did meet with her boss, he wanted to thank her for the excellent job she had done on a project and elicit her ideas on an upcoming event. Sue's assumptions led her to an incorrect conclusion which impacted her mood and behavior for the entire day.

Couples often assign different meanings to the same situation which can then lead to misunderstandings. Martha believes her husband Max doesn't care about her when he doesn't hug her as soon as he comes in the door. When Max has had a difficult work day he requires 15-20 minutes to calm himself down before he interacts with Martha. He feels he is protecting his wife from his "bad" mood. Their beliefs about the situation have very different meanings and you can see how easily this situation could escalate into an argument if they don't talk about their individual perspectives.

Acknowledgement is a "validation, an expression of thanks or a token of appreciation." It is one of the most powerful tools in building positive relationships and often the most neglected. As human beings we sometimes have a tendency to focus on what's not working, our complaints. When you think about how your day has gone do you have trouble remembering the things that went well and focus on what went wrong?

Now is the time to change this tendency and begin to use the skill of acknowledgment. First pay attention to yourself and appreciate what has gone well for you on a daily basis. Sally had been preoccupied and focused primarily on the negative aspects of her life. She found that her friends no longer wanted to listen to her complaining. Someone suggested that she use a notebook to record the positive aspects of her day. Initially she found this task challenging, but discovered that it helped change her attitude .

It is also important to acknowledge others. The pace of daily life is very hectic and sometime you might not take the "time" to express your appreciation. When you take people for granted and don't thank them or acknowledge their effort and accomplishments, it tends to wear the relationship down. In the workplace these days you often are expected to accomplish more with less. In many respects that makes "appreciations" more vital to the well being of individuals and the work environment in general. Acknowledgements can be as simple as saying "thank you for what you have done" or checking out if now is a good time to have a conversation.

Over the years I have often observed that the interaction between parents and adolescents, can be about criticism. Don't misunderstand, dealing with adolescents can be extremely challenging, but when you begin to notice and acknowledge what they are doing right instead of what they are not doing, it shifts the dynamics.

When you minimize your assumptions and increase your appreciations you are on your way to creating and sustaining remarkable relationships.

Copyright 2008, Gail Solish. All rights reserved.