WHAT AN IDIOT I WAS TO FALL FOR THAT
Nauseous waves filled Roxanne¡¦s stomach. This was the umpteenth message she had left without a response. A whirlwind of crazy thoughts whipped her with self-doubt. Why did I let myself be seduced? Why did I let this happen with a guy I hardly ...WHAT AN IDIOT I WAS TO FALL FOR THAT
Nauseous waves filled Roxanne¡¦s stomach. This was the umpteenth message she had left without a response. A whirlwind of crazy thoughts whipped her with self-doubt. Why did I let myself be seduced? Why did I let this happen with a guy I hardly knew?
THE AGONY - HE'S UNAVAILABLE
Curled up in a ball Roxanne cried for hours, numbing that gut wrenching ache with alcohol. She yearned for that exquisite feeling - like she was the only thing on earth that mattered. She kept returning to the scene when their eyes first met in the coffee shop. Her body tingled with excitement like never before. Josh¡¦s focused gaze made her juices flow. Had she blown it? Was he totally unavailable to her?
THE ECSTACY - HE'S AVAILABLE BUT IT'S DANGEROUS
A week earlier Josh was insatiable. He was calling and text- ting several times a day. He wanted to take her to breakfast, spend the day with her, bath with her and lie with her at night. He seemed to think she was perfectly delicious! She wanted more of that - wanted it forever, anytime, all the time. She wanted to devour the experience with a voracious greed- until shocked and righteous inner voices seeped in and incinerated her appetite.
THE DOUBTS - NEED TO MAKE HIM UNAVAILABLE
No relationship had been this easy, this quick and this satisfying. There must be something she wasn¡¦t seeing. If she gave into this temptation where would it lead? How would she be able to travel, learn about new things, experience the entire world? The possibility of missing out on all those dreams set of a panic reaction. Suffocating with fear she made a ton of excuses to avoid seeing him. She found and dated a nice, boring guy. She told Josh she was seeing someone else. His calls and e-mails dried up. The source of her temptations dried up. Her juices dried up.
THE SELF-TORTURE. HE'S UNAVAILABLE AND IT HURTS
Roxanne tortured herself with guilt for having let him slip away. She was consumed with thoughts of longing for his touch, his smile, and his adoration. He felt lost to her. Nothing satisfied that dark, deep, hollow vortex inside. The hunger was old, familiar, horrible but safe. Now that Josh was unavailable she could mourn and grieve. So much more comfortable than being imprisoned by his possessive cage of love.
THE GAME PLAN - PLAYING THE GREEDY CHILD AND PUNITIVE PARENT
Roxanne turned a luscious available guy into a rejected unavailable man. She couldn¡¦t allow herself to have something so wonderful. The greedy child part of her stuffed herself with goodies. Then she was caught red handed by the depriving mother part of her. The harsh parent admonished her for her greed and made her throw away the rest of the food. If she didn¡¦t obey she would never be able to eat nice things again. The once yummy food to die for turned into tough, heavy, rotting meat. It has to be thrown out. The angry parent part of Roxanne was deaf to the child protesting the loss of that heavenly food, leaving her alone to suffer.
DOUBLE WHAMMY OF UNAVAILABILITY
Roxanne¡¦s life is set up so she can never have what her heart desires. She is destined to experience the heartache of unavailable people in two ways:
1. Roxanne turns available men into unavailable objects of fantasy. Having a real life relationship means being caged in and obligated to love back in the same intense way she is loved. It¡¦s safer to live on the memories of the taste she allowed herself before she threw it away.
2. The child inside Roxanne isn¡¦t so sophisticated. She just wants what tastes good and doesn¡¦t understand why she isn¡¦t allowed to have it. As she cries in despair, the parent part of Roxanne is unavailable for comfort and reassurance. She loses out twice.
The child¡¦s experience is that eating goodies results in severe punishment and loss of a parent. So she learns to treat future goodies with suspicion. Only a few bites are allowed or else the punishment will be excruciating. That¡¦s what happened with Josh. Roxanne¡¦s child had become greedy and had to suffer.
MAKING RELATIONSHIPS WITH AVAILABLE LOVERSThere are four steps Roxanne needs to take in order to have more satisfying relationships. She needs appropriate support within a therapeutic environment for success.
1. Roxanne the parent needs to allow goodies to be a regular part of Roxanne the child¡¦s life without spoiling her.
2. Small everyday treats with substantial meals of reliable acceptance and support from a therapist would be the best diet . It would line Roxanne the child¡¦s stomach so she tolerates and savors available relationships.
3. Roxanne¡¦s depriving parent needs to be trained by her therapist to be more available for comfort and nurturance and less punitive. Roxanne the child will learn to follow that balanced diet herself.
4. Roxanne can then choose available partners and enjoy them without fear of loss or punishment. She will no longer have to binge on love and then deprive herself for being bad and greedy.
Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
http://www.drjeanetteraymond.com/
Do you get mad when your partner comes home late, or puts you on hold during a phone call? Are you seething with rage when you feel let down, disappointed and taken for granted? Are you bursting with outrage at the unfairness of doing most of the work in your relationships ? Do you feel manipulated by sweet talk that turns out to be empty promises? Are you tired of having to be the responsible one in your relationships. Are you sick of picking partners that seemed to the perfect one for you, only to find that they are unavailable and don¡¦t satisfy your needs?
You may be clogged up with anger, resentment and frustration. When you are blinded by rage you sabotage your chances of having satisfying relationships. Intense emotions muddy your communication skills. Resentment and rage drown out your message, making those around tune out. Whether you give someone the cold shoulder, or are provoked into an uncontrollable outburst , you create tension and distance in your relationship. The very opposite of what you want and need.
Anger uses up a lot of energy, is exhausting to carry around and leads to stress overload. It takes up a lot of room in your mind and body. If you are overwhelmed with anger, outrage, anxiety, fear, hate and grief, it may come out in the form of gastric upsets such as irritable bowel syndrome, colitis, bloating, constipation and diarrhea. Irritation when things don¡¦t turn out the way you hoped often expresses itself in skin breakouts and constant sore throats. Grief, fear, anxiety, outrage, hate and unresolved conflicts can disrupt your eating and sleeping patterns, leading to chronic fatigue, migraines, sciatica, neck, shoulder and back pain.
I Dr. Jeanette Raymond will help you
„P Digest your anger, making more room for loving, sensitive and respectful connections.
„P Craft your messages so that your feelings are expressed in a way that can be heard and responded to.
„P Transform the unproductive angry energy into focused strategies for strengthening your bonds.
„P Manage the disappointments so that you don¡¦t have to anesthetize the feelings with pills, food or alcohol or drugs.
„P Steer the energy towards being assertive without being aggressive.
„P Show you how to build your emotional muscles so that you are in the driving seat and calling the tune.
http://www.drjeanetteraymond.com
Dr. Raymond helps parents and children understand one another, and provides adult couples with a platform for having their conversations out loud rather than silently in their individual heads.
Dr. Raymond runs groups and conducts workshops on dream interpretation. She enables individuals to find their voice so that their bodies don't have to speak with back pain, gastric complaints, hair loss, skin breakouts, panic attacks and sleep disturbances. While emotional wounds can debilitate and prevent you from living a full life, Dr. Raymond collaborates with couples, family members and individuals to gain strength from it. She offers the opportunity to rewrite the internal dialogue that may be self-sabotaging and putting obstacles in the way of having meaningful relationships.
She is the author of several articles on the uses of anxiety, depression, and anger. Dr. Raymond emphasizes the way your body voices your anger, frustration, resentment and grief. She has also written on the value of tuning into your dreams, perfectionism, need for validation, power struggles in couples, the sexiness of conflict, and self-sabotage among other topics. http://www.drjeanetteraymond.com/articles.html
Dr. Raymond¡¦s blogs include
http://thepowerofourdreams.blogspot.com
http://wwwcouplesspeakdecoded.com
http://mybuttonsgetpushed.blogspot.com
Dr. Jeanette Raymond is a licensed psychologist and psychotherapist. She has a doctorate in clinical psychology and a masters degree in child, adolescent and educational psychology. She has 20 years experience working with adults, couples, adolescents, children and families.