7 Tips for Managing Your Emotions by Michael Harris, PhD

We all from time to time encounter situations that make it hard for us to remain calm, cool and collected. Some people are a bomb ready to go off at any second while other just go with the flow?

What is it that we are trying to accomplish? Why do some things just make us go crazy while other things that bother the “coolest cucumber” just roll off like water off of a duck’s back?

The answer here is once again, our friend, the “lizard brain”. Our reptilian brain is a very instinctual and primal character who defends its territory with blood in his eye. The reptilian brain is also the part of our consciousness that manages all of our patterns, automated behaviors, beliefs and our values. This lizard isn’t someone to be trifled with so we need to learn how to accomplish our communication before the lizard gets involved.

We can by choice, assign our emotions to another part of our mind that has more compassion, empathy, patience and sense of consequences for others in our individual ecosphere than the lizard.

It is simple in implementation but the wide variations can be tricky. In order for us to manage our emotions we have to know a couple of things that may or may not have taught to us when we were kids. I’ve written out some simple tips for managing your emotions. I hope that you find these suggestions useful and if I’ve missed anything just send me an email

Tip #1
Everyone is trying to make this world a wonderful place for THEM to live in.
It may sound strange but we all manipulate and attempt to steer people into OUR way of thinking so we can communicate more effectively. We are all on our own evolutionary path. There are just some things that people have to learn or experience in their life and no matter how you try to prevent that from happening they need to learn the lesson. When someone steps on your toes, says something you think is stupid or seems to go out of their way to make your life unpleasant; remember it’s not personal. Get out of their way and let them evolve.

Tip #2
Never deny your emotions
No one wants to be around someone who is a perpetual emotional mess nor should you bottle up your emotions with a pending explosion just on the horizon. The ability to have your emotions and feel them fully without them diverting your attention is a skill that most people have yet to learn. When you have an emotion good or bad let yourself feel it and then using your conscious mind decide whether or not that you need to share it. If this is an emotion that needs immediate attention remove yourself from work, people and automobiles and find a safe space to investigate this emotion there may be an important message in this emotion that you want to know

Tip #3
Pick an appropriate time to vent your emotions.The best time to have a conversation with someone about their actions, words, behaviors etc., isn’t in “the heat of the moment”. If you are sad, mad, etc. about what someone has done, pick a time after the event when you or both of you have cooled down and are in a frame of mind where both of you can actually hear a conversation. If things get heated up, stop and resume again later.
Knowing when to speak to someone and when not to is a learned activity be prepared to make lots of mistakes but eventually you’ll just know when to have you say and when not to.

Tip #4
Start with the end in mind.
When thinking about having an uncomfortable situation or conversation with someone, it may be a good idea to begin with the desired outcome you want to have at the end of the conversation. Knowing where you are going is much easier if you’ve been there before and starting a tough conversation needs to have a road map. Many people just start talking and no one is more surprised than they are at what comes out of their mouths. Practice what you’re going to say, if needed, or my favorite, make a list and be sure to cover everything on the list

Tip #5
Speak directly about what you want; hints or vague conversation doesn’t work.
Ask any girl if boys do hints? They don’t. As a matter of fact, most people don’t do hints. Make the person you are taking to life easy by speaking directing about what you want. If they don’t want to give you, sell you or provide what you’re asking for; go ask someone else. Keep asking people until you get what you want. It’s amazing what you can accomplish by asking for what you want directly and continuing to do until you’ve achieved your goal.

Tip #6
It’s all about Perception
If you’ve ever heard anyone say “if you could see it my way”, they are giving you important information. The request to shift perceptual position is a common one but few people actually know that you can mentally step into the other person’s shoes for a moment. There are actually 3 primary perceptual positions self, other and observer. Each position has it’s own unique perspective that could be valuable when sorting out some long or short-term argument that seems to be going no where. Maybe you just need a different view?

Tip #7
Tell the Truth
Telling the truth is hard stuff, it’s risky, we are vulnerable, so what? We all were taught as children to “not hurt” someone else’s feelings and I’m not so sure that was a good thing to teach. It took me years to figure out that I’d prefer to offend someone by telling the truth rather than having to keep track of some half-truth or lead them on by omitting key information that might change the outcome of the conversation I was having with someone. Telling the truth may be a new experience for you but once you can tell yourself and other the truth maybe other will do you the same favor.