Hot Buttons: 90/10 Principle

Your partner has said or done something that really makes you furious. You are outraged. You are hurt to the core. You cannot believe it! If your partner cared for you, they would never have behaved in such a way.

The person you have just started to date does not return your call in a timely fashion. You find yourself mentally ending the relationship before it begins. Overwhelming anxiety and feelings of loss or abandonment take over.

Your boss has raised his voice. Your feelings have been so hurt. You have a sleepless night and wonder if you have lost your job. Every doubt or insecure feeling you have ever suffered races through your mind. Negative thoughts that bring up self-esteem issues seem to evade your consciousness.

What is going on here? Why such an intensely emotional response?

Anything that we are very upset about in the present time, is likely to be an issue that we have been upset about in the past. When something happens in your life or in your relationships that make you especially angry, sad, or worried, chances are that it is rooted in your childhood.

The 90/10% principal clearly states that 90% of what you are reacting to today is due to your own hot spots or hot buttons. The remaining 10% is getting your ‘buttons’ pressed.

Your feelings are always real. Your pain is legitimate. The problem is that the intensity of the emotional response you are experiencing may be exaggerated. This is due to your increased sensitivity to the subject; the ninety-percent. When the world responds to us in a way that hurts, we tend to blame the immediate source of the pain. When our partner, or boss, or a random person in our life says the magic words that press our buttons, our tendency is blame that person.

Where do hot spots come from? How do they develop? How we can figure out what they are and heal them?

Awareness is always the first step. In order to step back and observe a present day pattern in your own life, ask yourself when you felt this way before. Figuring out your “links” to the past is key to healing your hot buttons. Understanding the roots of your upsets will free you to view the present with understanding and forgiveness.

Ask yourself :

1. What am I feeling? What else am I feeling? What else?
2. When have I felt this way before? When else?…When else?
a. When in the recent past
b. When in my teenage years
c. When as a child

In What You Feel, You Can Heal, by Dr. John Gray, you can gain increased self-awareness via the issues that are specifically portrayed. In How To Get What You Want and Want What You Have, and in Mars & Venus Starting Over, you will discover in-depth processing techniques that will help you to identify your links, and determine your blocks to emotional success.