A List of the Top 20 do's & Don'ts of a functional relationship
HOW TO ATTRACT EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY PEOPLE
1. Who you think you are is important. Like attracts like. Think about it. Do you like who you are?
2. What you want in a relationship is important, and when you are willing to ask for it, you will be able to create it. But only ask for what you want when you are clear aboutwhat it is. Until then, don't go around demanding things you just think you should have.
3. We get exactly what we focus on. The problem or the solution. We make a choice between them with every decision we make.
4. Tell yourself the truth about what you want, not what other ( family, friends, spouse) say your should have.
5. Tell everyone else your truth about what you want. Don't be afraid to share your vision and dreams.
6. You are not defined by your relationships unless you choose to be. Consider what it says about you if you deed over your soul to one.
7. Interdependent (two independent functional people) relationships are the only ones that work, long term.
8. Truth is the first thing necessary to create trust in our relationships. Respect is earned from trust, and love is earned from respect. Intimacy is the gift we get when werisk telling the truth. See the hierarchy of a functional relationship
9. Fear of intimacy is fear of the truth. Your truth is better for you than someone else's. Just get to know what it is so you can own it.
10. If your relationship is not getting better, it is probably getting worse. Life is dynamic and nothing ever stays the same.
11. Every relationship is unique. It takes what it takes to work. If you want it to work, you have to work it. No shortcuts. No 50/50 deals.
12. It's not your job to fix your mate, and it's not his or her job to fix you. Take the relationship and what your mate says at face value and stop reading into it what you'dlike to hear. We can work with what's real. It's impossible to deal with what's not real.
13. Unconditional love is an inside job. If you haven't gotten it by now, guess what...start working from within. When you can give it to yourself, you'll be ready togive it to someone else. If you can give it to someone else, you'll recognize it when it's given to you.
14. If you both are committed to creating a functional relationship, agree to start doing it today, without any judgments about the past. Be willing to work in the solution and let go of your need to control the outcome, moment to moment, one day at a time. Joy can only be experienced in the present moment.
15. Most of our fears about what may happen in this relationship are really fears we experienced in past relationships, and have nothing to do with this person. Come to grips with what's real and what's Memorex!
16. When in an argument, ask yourself Does this really PASS THE SO WHAT TEST? For you to be right, does the other person have to be wrong? Think about it. Life is
short. Don't waste it on arguments that have no meaning or purpose. You can always agree to disagree if you need to. Then laugh about it and go on to the next thing. Start
observing your arguing as just another one of our dysfunctional, immature habits that need to be broken.
17. When we finally learn to say we are sorry (at 3 or 93) we get to finally hear we are O.K. To error is human, and there is great virtue in all forgiveness, ourselves included.The best ways to teach our children this lesson is by watching us demonstrate it.
18. Any negative, hurtful or sarcastic remark is abusive. Like a sharp knife, each word will carve out a chunk of a loving relationship that can never grow back. Pleaseconsider the source and the outcome of your remarks, before you open you mouth to tell your truth.
19. Never let a day go by without saying and showing how much your relationship and partner mean to you. Never take a moment for granted. Express how grateful you arefor your good fortune, however meek or humble it may be. Appreciation and gratefulness have magic in them. It seems the more we express them, the more reasons we are given to say thank you.
20. To have a functional relationship you have to be willing to risk loosing it everyday, by telling your truth. If you don't feel free to tell your truth, start asking yourself why you think it's so important to stay, and what else you are willing to lose besides your self-esteem. For starters, you can ask your mate to tell their truth, and be willing toaccept it at face value, with no judgment. Now you both get to know if you each want a relationship based on what's real.
For optimum results, start doing this in the first five minutes of meeting anyone.
HIERARCHY OF A FUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP
INTIMACY
LOVE
RESPECT
TRUST
TRUTH
What is a functional relationship?
Without the beginning base of truth in a relationship, trust cannot occur. Without the development of trust, respect will never be born. Without a level of respect for another, a functional relationship of love will not seed and nourish the partners. Intimacy occurs when we become willing to share our whole selves with another in this order. It is the gift we get when we learn to engage in a balanced, loving
and functional relationship.
?Copyright 1999 E.K.Bernshaw All Rights Reserved www.transitionscounseling.com
Eve K. BernshawAuthor of TheTransitionProcess™
Eve K. Bernshaw, author of TheTransitionProcess™ (TTP) develops and facilitates training programs using this unique decision-making process. She has been called a career counselor/consultant, a teacher and an emotional midwife in the work she does with individuals and groups. She is a resource consultant for corporate organizational programs, Human Resource Departments, and outplacement groups. She has taught TTP to executives as well as high school students, retirees in back-to-work retraining programs through DOA, and facilitated TTP invarious college programs for welfare-to-work tittle recipients. With a focus on making TTP more available within the community at large, she is currently developing a mentor training program using TTP template.
Bernshaw developed TTP originally for her consulting clients. With over 25 years as a corporate business development consultant, with a specialty in new venture development planing, she worked for companies, and the new entrepreneur client. More and more of these executiveclients were unable to focus on the planning process. Many of them had recently been displaced because of down sizing, or forced to take early retirement. The one thing they all had in common was being stuck in indecision, with varying degrees of corporate burnout and depleted self esteem. These clients were the first to successfully utilize the simple decision-making techniques that would eventually become known as TheTransitionProcess™.
After researching the field of traditional career counseling/consulting, searching for tools to assist
these clients with their professional transition, she found no specific decision-making tools outside the psychotherapy environment. She began noticing a significant void and lack of focused support in acknowledging the anxiety surrounding a clients experience of change and transition in the workplace. TheTransitionProcess™ created a template for functional decisions. These clients were not only experiencing success by using TTP in their professional and creative expression, but as they applied the process to personal issues they found clarity there as well. It became clear the
TTP had a wide range of application beyond the career counseling/consulting field.
TTP became a new cognitive form of humanistic career consulting and was added to, and became the primary focus in Bernshaw's consulting service. In addition to workshops, seminars and support groups, she trains and coaches professional counselors and psychologists interested in facilitating TTP within their specific modality. As a writer and speaker, she also donates TTP to nonprofit organizations and support groups within the recovery community.
Bernshaw also utilizes TTP effectively to mediate pre and post divorce settlement work and referral for couples. She also facilitates preliminary evaluations for referral to intervention for individuals and families with recovery challenges. With her hospice experience she uses TTP inworking closely with individuals and families dealing with long-term illness and our death and dying transition.
TRANSITIONS, as a private practice, training and consulting firm, has a primary focus of teaching individuals a unique decision-making technique called TheTransitionProcessTM. Please note the teaching of & support given in facilitating this process should not be construed, in any manner, as psychotherapy, and the TTP author & facilitator, Eve K. Bernshaw is not a licensed psychotherapist.