Connecting to Your Subconscious Mind and Core Self

Through connection and relationship with our Core Selves, and with our inner parts, we journey on from fear-based reality to loving Conscious Performing. For Conscious Performance, we must begin to know, understand, and heal our inner “parts” so we are free to connect to our audiences from a place of openness and love. A “part” is a personality mode that kicks in, usually to allow a person to cope with anxiety or other negative feelings. The average person has many parts.

Go back in time and bring to mind a performance where you felt yourself being overtaken by a part of yourself. Maybe you were in the middle of a question and answer panel and felt like you were 2 years old, afraid and not understanding the questions. Perhaps your voice got smaller and smaller until you felt like you couldn’t even be heard, yet were unable to do anything about it. Imagine being eager to write a book, only to be stopped by doubtful parts coming in to stop your progress. These are your inner parts making themselves known. Imagine now getting to know your parts, so they can support you in becoming a Conscious Performer.

Parts can present themselves in endless ways. According to Richard Schwartz, Ph.D. creator of the Internal Family Systems Model, there are three categories of parts: The Managers, The Exiles, and the Firefighters.

Of the three categories, my favorites are my Manager parts. One of my Managers loves to write in my planner pad. Other Managers don’t let me stop working until I’m done, no matter what…maybe not so great. In performance, these parts can help you prepare, practice, plan, and carry out the actual performance. They oftentimes are controlling and work really hard to keep you from being hurt, wounded, or abandoned. Other types of Managers can push you or stop you with their ability to pull out critical, judgmental and catastrophic thinking or perfectionist attributes. Some can be ruthless in performance as they critique each move you make. They can act as caretakers as they make sure you have everything you need for your performance. Some Managers are able to keep you going even if you’re injured or exhausted. As you can see, Managers can be very helpful as you get to know, understand, validate and unburden their pain. They become valuable members of your inner family.

According to Schwartz, Exiles are parts that have been hurt in some way and are hidden and protected within your system due to their extreme pain, wounds, and trauma. They are very needy and desperate to be seen, heard, cared for, and loved. As I work with people around public performance anxiety issues, I see many different Exiles. Some are young parts that have been ridiculed, humiliated, and silenced. Performance for them is pure terror, for fear they will once again feel the shame. Other parts hold memories of performances wherein they felt they failed. The risk of failure becomes too great to try again. Other Exile parts of clients that I’ve come to know, have experienced feelings of dying. When they begin to perform their hearts race and they can’t catch their breaths, provoking more desperate fears of dying and causing considerable panic. Through therapy, it is possible for Exiles to be retrieved and healed. Some exiles have wonderful skills that, when unburdened and met with compassion, can add creativity, insight and other positive characteristics to your inner landscape.

Let’s look at firefighters. I know many performers who resort to alcohol or drugs to soothe anxiety. This is a perfect example of a Firefighter part doing its job. Firefighter parts come to your rescue when they feel your system getting out of control from Manager and/or Exile parts that have been triggered and whose behaviors have become a threat to your inner balance and well being. It is the Firefighter part’s job to protect the system by calming down the parts or by bringing in distractions in the form of obsessions, compulsions, and self-harming behavior. The Firefighter drowns out the pain and needs of the parts and attempts to bring the system back into harmony. This is not always in positive ways. After all, the system was on fire! A part may manifest as an inner voice that comes into your head like, “I’m not good enough”, “I won’t remember”, “I always fail”, “No one will like me”, “I have to work harder than anyone”, “I’ll look dumb”, “I’m too fat”, “I’ll crash and burn”. These are all parts that in some way got locked in the body from experiences in your past.

Often people deal with these parts (unsuccessfully!) by trying to control them with medication, get rid of them, or bury them deep underground, only to have them show up again time and time again. Sometimes parts manifest as tension and rigidity in the body. They don’t like to be disturbed and oftentimes wouldn’t even allow breath to enter into their hiding place. These parts are sometimes filled with emotions such as intense sadness. The triggering of these parts can cause them to become overwhelmed with their sadness, rage, or pain. Their fear is that they can’t handle this, so they remain underground and frozen. In performance, their fear can be escalated and they tighten down harder, making anxiety even worse.

You may notice other parts because they cause certain sensations or physical symptoms in the body such as a quiver, an ache, a pain, or a change in temperature. It may feel as if you have a ball in your throat. They want attention, yet other parts of you may try to overrule this need for attention, by taking control, by clamping down. This causes even more anxiety as the parts vie for control and attention.

Other parts may cause you to leave your body in performance. You get a dizzy, foggy feeling in your head and discover that you can’t remember anything, it’s difficult to feel your body and you become increasingly disoriented.

Sometimes other parts of yourself step in to complete the performance but you’re only marginally there. This is definitely not a fun, embodied performance experience. At other times, you may notice feelings rising up out of nowhere. You wonder, “What’s that about?” It’s a part. It may be a young part that can’t express itself in words so you experience it as a feeling. Parts usually have a large repertoire of feelings such as sadness, worry, terror, intense longing, happiness, panic, etc. Sometimes these parts have other parts that keep them from allowing expression of these feelings. Then again, at other times the feelings pour out.

Wow! That’s a lot of parts to deal with. How do you even begin to approach it?

Good resources for this journey can be found at:
www.positiveinnerchange.com www.selfleadership.org