Dating For Men - How to Stack the Dating Deck in Your Favor: Getting Out of Your Own Way III

Do you play poker?

I've been playing for a few years now, and lately I've been noticing that poker can be a great metaphor for a lot of things that we do in life.

For example, the other night I was sitting at this table with a bunch of guys (okay, that was redundant: it's *always* a bunch of guys) when they did a dealer change, and a young, nice-looking Chinese lady started to deal our cards.

Now one of the guys at our table apparently had his eyes on this particular dealer lady. Literally. Most of the time that she was dealing, he was staring at her. She just maintains her composure and does her thing.

Then he says that he's got these tickets to a premiere of a martial arts movie, and he'd like to take her. Will she come with him?

The dealer continues doing her job. Of course, he doesn't relent, and starts to complain. "C'mon, it's going to be great. Why don't you just say yes?" This goes on for a while, and the other guys at the table alternately encourage him or are visibly annoyed by him, until there's another dealer change and the lady leaves for a different table.

After she left, he groused to the rest of the table for a good 20 minutes about how cold she was, why couldn't she just give an answer one way or the other, why don't women treat him right, etc etc.

It was enough to make me bury my face in my hands, shake my head and sigh. Geez.

Now our hero was young, very good-looking, potentially of means, and had a hot ticket to an event that would seem to be of interest to the woman. However, his bid to ask her out failed. What went wrong?

Just about everything, actually.

Let's assess the situation here.

She's at work. There's a floorman walking around, watching the progress at every table. There are at least four cameras ("eyes in sky") trained on her table specifically, observing her every move. Moreover, there are 8 other men besides Our Hero at the table, observing the proceedings.

Even if she thought the guy was scorching-hot, or she was absolutely dying to go to this premiere with him, is the context favorable for her to express that? If you were in her situation, would you be able to respond in the affirmative?

The fact alone that she's at work precludes the possibility of her being able to respond to him the way he wants. She is a professional, and bantering with him on that level would be a breach of professionalism.

Heck, it's probably even written into the code of conduct of her workplace that this kind of interaction is forbidden. She could get *fired* for saying yes.

So, is Our Hero stacking the deck in his favor? Nope.

Next, let's look at his approach. Did he make any effort to establish rapport here? Did he create a situation in which he managed to change her state from straightforward professional to bantering friend? Did he make her laugh? Did he establish dominance? Did he position himself as the buyer? Did he make himself compelling?

Did he do anything towards increasing the likelihood of achieving his outcome?

Now he *did* have an outcome: get a date with her for the premiere. And I commend him on that, because most guys don't even have that when they're going out.

But besides that, he did very little to tip the odds in his favor. All he did was run headlong into a wall. And then he was surprised when he found out it hurt.

Turns out the kid was a reasonably good poker player. He was perfectly comfortable laying down a lot of bad hands, and waiting till he got a good one.

It only makes sense, right? If you're holding an 8 and a 3, off-suit, you lay it down because chances of making a winning hand are slim. You bide your time and lie in wait, and when the right combination of cards and position comes up, you pounce.

In fact, the experts say that the #1 skill in poker is PATIENCE -- the ability to wait for the right situation to arise.

This kind of reminds me of a little passage from the good ol' Tao Te Ching, the very first book of poker philosophy:

Rushing into action, you fail.
Trying to grasp things, you lose them.
Forcing a project to completion, you ruin what was almost ripe.

Therefore the Master takes action by letting things take their course.
He remains as calm at the end as at the beginning.He has nothing, thus has nothing to lose.
-- from Chapter 64

Damn that's good stuff. And there's also that line from Chapter 36: "Before you can take something, you must allow it to be given." One of my favorite. Think about that for a second.

I gave you this real-life example as an illustration of what NOT to do. This young man, in spite of his gifts and his means, did not put himself in a position to win. From his poker game, you knew that he was aware of the principles of optimizing his chances to win, but he just wasn't applying those principles to a dating situation.

How many of you out there are good at one thing -- very very good, even -- but haven't thought of applying those principles of success to your social life? Why not?

THE TAO OF HYPNOSIS

In hypnotherapy and stage hypnosis, one thing that we like to do is arrange the circumstances such that they aid our outcome and maximize our chances of success.

For example, if I'm doing an induction, I'll have someone put up his right arm straight in the air and then say, "As you listen to the sound of my voice, you will start to feel that your right arm is getting heavier and heavier. And as it gets heavier, it will drift down and gradually rest on your lap. And when it rests on your lap, you will be in a deeply relaxing trance."

Well, guess what. Anyone who holds his arm up for long enough is going to have a tired arm that will want to drift down and come to rest on his lap, just as I so deftly prognosticated. I stacked the deck in my favor -- massively. And I come out looking good about 100% of the time.

Now, with the story of that guy, I've told you what NOT to do. The Tao of Dating is about what TO do. The point here is that in real life, you can't control all the circumstances all the time. And outcomes, especially when they depend on the actions of other people, are even more challenging to control.

What you can do, however, is to arrange circumstances such that they FAVOR your outcome. This is called Doing Your Homework. This is called Stacking the Deck. So let's see how you can stack the deck in a situation similar to that of Our Hero so you come out winning:

1) HAVE AN OUTCOMEHaving an outcome directionalizes your brain and all your resources towards getting it. What do you want out of a given interaction -- contact info? Insta-make out? Wedding that night at the Shotgun Drive-Thru Chapel?

Be clear on your outcome. And use the Tao of Dating trick of setting your outcome far beyond what you're willing to settle for. That way, even if you fall short, you're still ahead. As the Italians say, "Shoot for the moon, settle for the stars." Think, "She is going to Aspen with me next weekend", vs "I hope to keep her talking to me for 5min to impress my buddies." Aim high!

2) GET RAPPORTRapport is of the essence. My teacher used to say, inside of rapport, anything is possible. Outside of rapport, nothing is possible. So by golly, get rapport.

This is why we cover rapport so thoroughly in the Transformation Weekend coming up in Los Angeles June 2-4. We do a bunch of drills to make sure you GET IT: mirror and match body language , voice tone and tempo, pacing and leading, conversational rapport. Use the three quick-and-dirty techniques: assume rapport; get in the physiological state of rapport; and share a secret.

3) ALLOW FOR HER 'INNER YES'All of us prefer to make choices for ourselves, vs having it rammed down our throats by someone else. Even if we do accept such an unpleasant choice at first, chances are that we'll reverse our decision later.

Our Hero really didn't make any allowance for the dealer lady's inner choice. He just said, "Come with me" with a little grunt, then pounded his chest when it didn't work.

Don't be that guy. Let her find her own reasons to say yes. Demonstrate that you're funny and fun to be around, then maybe pull back a little. A mini take-away can do wonders for consolidating that Inner Yes, since you're pulling back instead of pushing her into a corner. That way, whatever choice she makes is perceived to be her own, versus one that you have forced upon her. This is subtle stuff. Think about that one.

4) MAKE THE LOGISTICS FAVORABLEFirst off, use the 3C's to pick the right venue in the first place that is Conversation-friendly, provides Community and Continuity.

If you're in the wrong spot but spot the right woman, create a micro-environment that favors your outcome. If you want to chat to a waitress, catch her on break when the whole table of your friends (and her boss) isn't watching. If you're at a loud club or bar, find a quiet patio to converse. I have no sympathy for guys who put themselves in a losing position -- on a loud, chaotic dance floor, for example -- and then complain about getting 'shot down'. It's just like the situation with the poker dealer. Get out of the way of your own success already.

5) BE COMPELLING, DAMMITLately I've been thinking that being compelling, seen in retrospect, is the same as being memorable. So -- what will make you memorable?

I just made that sub-heading slightly more memorable by adding a 'dammit' at the end. It adds a little bit of emotional charge, and it helps you remember it later. Evoking emotion = mnemogenicity (the quality of being memorable).

How do you make your presence more memorable? Use the Five Methods for being compelling mystery, outlandishness, excellence, attention and fun.

6) FREE YOURSELF FROM THE RESULTSAs we said before, we can't really control circumstances in life; we can only optimize probabilities to favor our outcomes. So do your homework, do it well, and revel in doing your best, because a job well done is its own reward. And when you have that reward, the results coming out of that job well done will be of secondary importance.

When you emotionally detach yourself from the results, something miraculous happens: you can no longer be disappointed. In the absence of expectation, you don't give disappointment a home to inhabit:

The Master's power is like this.
He lets all things come and go effortlessly, without desire.He never expects results; thus he is never disappointed.
He is never disappointed; thus his spirit never grows old. -- Tao Te Ching, Ch. 56

So do me a favor and think about those five things. I also want you to think about all those times when you (metaphorically) went into a situation holding an 8 and a 3, didn't get what you wanted and then complained and blamed afterwards. Observe yourself, get out of your own way, and stack the deck in your favor, always. That is the way of the Tao.

That's all for now.

The power is within you,Dr Alex

PS: Can you think of two friends who would also find this article useful? Then send it to them! They'll thank you for it.

PPS: I'm interested in your questions and comments regarding dating, persuasion and networking, so please do send them to me. I can be reached at dralex@thetaoofdating.com