Dating Again. . .On the Far Side Of Forty

Due to life circumstances, the death of a spouse, I had been out of the dating game for some time and reentered the scene after a 27-year absence. I experienced what I like to call “culture shock”. One definition is as follows: “A state of bewilderment and distress experienced when suddenly exposed to a new, strange, or foreign social and cultural environment.”

That was me, a 48 year old widow with three children, experiencing true culture shock when I began dating. I thought it would be a relatively uncomplicated process to jump back in. (Yes, I laugh when I read this) You go out with someone who shares mutual interests, you go to dinner, the movies, sometimes you stay in and watch movies or…Stop. That wasn’t what happened.

The above is what I considered the normal dating process, but I found there was nothing approaching normal in today’s dating scene. Having been married 20 years, I naively believed in happily-ever-after when the two right people found each other. I knew what relationships were about and I also knew they could be hard work at times.

My experience with online dating is as follows: Online dating felt similar to a smorgasbord. If you don’t like one dish you try, throw it in the trash and proceed to the next as quickly as possible. There’s always something different and new on the table. There’s nothing wrong with variety and trying new dishes, but at least admit if you don’t like the current dish. Don’t play with your food.

Dating at 48. In my admittedly limited experience, I discovered a variety of issues that came into play. My age group, as perhaps is true with other age groups, many of us have been wounded in minor and major ways by life and by society in general. Some of us carry the baggage from the wounding on our backs, others leave the baggage at the train station.

Based on my experience, some individuals have never learned basic relationship skills. Early on, I attracted only emotionally unavailable men. Men who were still in love or emotionally attached to other women. Men who preferred to remain single and just do surface dating. Whether intentionally or not, they played at dating with no real intent to take it further into any kind of emotional commitment; for whatever reason. Most of these men were good men in their own right and perhaps best kept as friends.

One dating experience I had was a man whose company I really enjoyed. He was a good father, an excellent businessman, but when we were together, he never showed interest in my day, activities or what was happening in my life. I hoped he would change. We had been “dating” about three weeks when I finally asked myself why was I hanging around with someone who made me feel so unfulfilled and contributed nothing to my life? I realized that even though he was a good man, he was not good for me. It was still incredibly difficult to make the break but I knew I deserved more.

My dating helped me learn additional life skills I myself lacked. I learned that dating should begin as friends, and I shouldn’t drop everything because a guy calls. My most important skill learned is letting someone show me they’re truly interested in me before jumping into intimacy.

These simple pieces of experience are often learned by kids today in their teens and twenties. Somehow, I had missed these lessons some thirty years ago.

When I realized by being true to myself is my real power, I also decided that for now, I choose to be alone. I choose to be alone until the right person comes along who will enhance my life as much as I enhance his.

Elaine Williams ©2008