Will You Still Love Me if I Fail this Test?

“Unconditional love is really just love without expectations.” - Louise Hay

As parents, we believe that the regard we hold for our children is the purest, most unconditional kind of love.

Looking into the face of a baby, we know that these tiny, beautiful souls are the surest proof that there is goodness in the world. We promise ourselves that this precious child will never know a moment of pain, sorrow, self-doubt or loneliness.

Our love is pure, all-encompassing and constant.

Next Stop, Seventh Grade:

Loving without expectations becomes exponentially harder when our children enter their school years. All of a sudden, our children are being graded on their performance... and for many of us, it feels like we are being graded at the same time.

Our own feelings of self-worth become too easily entwined with our perceptions of our children’s accomplishments.

Whether we were “straight A” students or barely made it through, most of us carry a lot of leftover baggage from our own school years. The difficulty comes when we carry this baggage into our relationships with our children.

Does your child feel the weight?

Expectations come in many flavors – you may expect your child to produce consistently excellent grades, or you may have already taught your child that he is no more than “average.” Sadly, children tend to live up or down to our expectations.

In our more conscious moments, we can articulate the value of a good education: Being able to attend the college of our choice; being able to support ourselves as productive, adult members of society; being able to do, be or create anything we choose – to live a life without limits. These are our true hopes and dreams for our children.

The difficulty, then, lies in finding ways to support our children’s growth without ever causing them to feel that our love and acceptance are in any way tied to their academic achievements.

We must always remember that the unconditional love of a parent is the single most powerful determinant of a child’s self-worth.

It creates the foundation on which every other achievement becomes possible.

Take a moment to think about your daily interactions with your child. How many hours (minutes? seconds??) do you spend filling your child with feelings and experiences of love, safety and acceptance?

Love comes first, always.

Clearing the Decks:

If school work is an ongoing source of stress in your family, this might be a good time to release your own tight grip on the past. By investing some time in healing your old hurts and hang-ups, you clear the way to bring your best self to the job of parenting.

We have all heard some variation on the phrase, “To truly love another, you must first love yourself.”

Give yourself the gift of healing. Try one of the numerous self-help books dedicated to building self-esteem; begin a daily meditation practice; seek professional assistance if needed.

Getting Help:

Monitoring and assisting with your child’s homework can be the most trying part of the process. (In our house, we call this time, “The Homework Wars.” Not a pretty sight!)

Your first priority must be to maintain a loving connection with your child.

If you cannot do this and help him learn world geography at the same time, get some help.

Hire a tutor. Check with your child’s school, or ask other parents for referrals. Many teachers offer private tutoring after school at reasonable rates. The beauty of this approach is the one-on-one attention, from a qualified professional.

Join the homework club. Some schools offer after-school homework clubs, designed to help kids get their homework completed successfully before they even leave school property.

Start your own homework club. Homework is more fun when you do it with a friend or two. Join with a couple other parents and take turns hosting the club. There is strength in numbers!

Put School in its Place:

During the school year, our children spend more time at school than they do with us.

Resist the urge to make family time all about school. Use your precious hours together to build the spiritual bonds of family, and schedule one hour per week to review test grades and report cards.

Always remember that your child is absolutely perfect, just the way she is... and that her potential is infinite. (And don’t forget that this applies to you, too!) Learn to enjoy the process of learning, and relax your focus on the outcome just a bit.

Know that in this very moment, you are making a difference in your child’s life. Use it wisely!