The Gift of Loving Yourself First

Many loving, naturally-giving people experience an imbalance in their flow of giving and receiving. They give easily; it’s receiving from others that is challenging. Unlike those who have difficulty considering others, this message is addressed to those who disregard considering themselves! ...Many loving, naturally-giving people experience an imbalance in their flow of giving and receiving. They give easily; it’s receiving from others that is challenging. Unlike those who have difficulty considering others, this message is addressed to those who disregard considering themselves!

Disregard for self can be rooted in such beliefs as: “It’s selfish for me to be my number one priority.” Or “I’m not worthy of receiving what I need and desire”, “I’m not good enough” or “I’m not important enough”. Others might believe that “To be a good person, I must sacrifice my own needs”. I’ve also heard, “I’m a woman/man; I’m supposed to take care of others and be the nurturer”. Do any of these thoughts ring true for you? And what’s the real truth?

Although the following is a strong statement, pay attention to how its truth might resonate with you. When we don’t love ourselves, we are unable to truly love another. Another way of saying this is how loving we feel toward others is connected to how loving we are of ourselves.

What I have seen is that when we give from a depleted place within ourselves, which is often the case when we don’t truly receive, strings can be attached to our generosity. At times, we may actually be giving to others as an indirect way to get our own needs met instead of coming from a purely selfless place. We may need to feel important and valued. Because we’re not valuing ourselves, others in our world and our life as a whole may be reflecting that back to us in subtle and not so subtle ways.

Here are some clues to help identify if this describes you:
• Do you strongly react when your needs are ignored even though you realize that you didn’t clearly ask for what you want?
• Do you sometimes wonder in those moments of self-honesty - when is it going to be my turn?
• Are there times that you feel overwhelmed from giving?
• Does your body sometimes shout either through a tight jaw or a tense gut that you’ve had enough?
• Do you often feel hurt or defensive with the people who love you?
• How much pressure is there on those who love you to show you that you are indeed loved?
• Do the important people in your life need to reassure you of their love on an almost day-to-day basis because you can forget?

It’s all about receiving, and it has to begin with us. I think back to my experience of being in a counseling group years ago when there was much emphasis on giving one another ‘strokes’, units of recognition. In this case, the recognition was very focused on the positive. Even though I received so much loving feedback, I realized that I wasn’t able to receive it. What I found myself doing was dismissing their words because I didn’t really believe them, or I compared what someone else received as a way to take away from my own feedback. I noticed that I started to grow even more dependent on others love, giving them the power to define me. And, of course, as is natural to the human way, sometimes I was wonderful to them; and sometimes I wasn’t because I didn’t please or say the right thing. What I experienced is how easy it is to get into the habit of looking to others to get one’s needs met. What I now know for sure is that it’s a trap that can take us away from ourselves. THE essential ingredient to deeply receiving is to be self-loving.

I have learned that when I don’t feel loving, loved or connected to others, I need to stop and give myself some loving attention. It’s a barometer for me. With the help of my observer, that internal part of me that is able to come from objectivity, I recognize the cues. I then know that I need to sit with myself and reconnect to my own heart’s openness and love…toward myself. It makes all the difference. I breathe deeply, I feel grounded, I see through the eyes of love.

One way to address looking to others for love and needing the reassurance that you are loved is to stand in front of a mirror. Tell yourself while you look deeply into your eyes: “I love you. I’ll always be here for you. You can feel safe and secure as I am at your side.” Check inside of you and talk in a way that you notice the impact of your words at a body level. You relax. You feel grounded. Your heart opens. Then you know that you’re deeply receiving the energy of love that you’re giving to yourself. Begin your day with this ritual. Notice the impact on how you relate to others throughout the day.

You may have read about the above technique before…and haven’t done it. Notice your resistance. I’m reminding you that it’s time…right now…to put this simple and powerful technique into practice.

It is so much easier to make changes in your life when you’re solidly there for yourself and have a strong internal support system. We look in the wrong places for love…out there, and it’s so much an inside job. Begin with your relationship with you. Fall in love with yourself. Take the time to identify your strengths and place your loving focus there. You are worthy of this.

From this loving place, start to notice your impact. You will know how well you are doing in the arena of loving yourself first by what’s reflected back to you in the eyes, words and behaviors of others.