Are You Secretly Thrilled When Your Partner Is Selfish?
JOE'S SELFISHNESS DRIVES LORRAINE CRAZY
Lorraine was infuriated. She got in her car, raced the engine and zoomed into the street, the screeching tires magnifying her frustrated rage. She¡¦d show him! Let him worry about where she was, whether she was okay, and sweat over when she would be back. ...JOE'S SELFISHNESS DRIVES LORRAINE CRAZY
Lorraine was infuriated. She got in her car, raced the engine and zoomed into the street, the screeching tires magnifying her frustrated rage. She¡¦d show him! Let him worry about where she was, whether she was okay, and sweat over when she would be back. He¡¦d soon find out how valuable she was when he had to bathe the kids and put them to bed, and had no one to complain to about his tough day at work.
What a selfish and self-centered man he was! He had done it again- made it all about him. She asked for one weekend to spend with her girlfriend, but Joe¡¦s work commitments and deadlines came first. He objected to being the sole care taker of the kids.
JOE'S PREDICTABLE BEHAVIOR MAKES LORRAINE FEEL SUPERIOR!
As her rage subsided, a smug smile danced on Lorraine¡¦s face. It made her feel secure that Joe had behaved exactly as predicted. Her anger was validated. He truly deserved the bad guy label because he put himself first, last and always.
WHAT'S IN IT FOR KIND, CONSIDERATE LORRAINE TO STAY WITH EGOTISTICAL JOE?
There are five pay offs for Lorraine to stay mad at Joe.
1. HE'S SO BAD, SO I AM GOOD!
When he is inconsiderate and unreasonable Lorraine feels superior and good about herself. All the bad stuff seems situated in Joe.
2. HE'S SO BAD, SO I DON'T HAVE TO FEEL SELFISH OR GUILTY!
Each time Joe puts himself first, Lorraine doesn¡¦t have to deal with her discomfort about wanting time away from the kids. If her selfish streak was let out of the bag, she would feel guilty and awful about herself. Far better to let Joe own the self-centered parts of each of them.
3. HE NEVER SUPPORTS ME, SO NOW I HAVE SOMETHING TO GET HIM ON!
Joe¡¦s reluctance to give Lorraine what she wants is disappointing. But it allows her to think of herself as a long suffering martyr. Resentful and full of righteous indignation, Lorraine can punish him as she sees fit. She can torture him by running off and making him worry. She can use his selfish acts as whips to lash him with whenever she needs to feel powerful and in control.
4. JOE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR MAKING ME FEEL AWFUL!
By handing over the reins to Joe Lorraine makes it about him by putting him in charge. She makes him the captain of the ship and then gets enraged when he exercises the authority to steer the course he thinks best.
5. HE NEEDS TO CHANGE, NOT ME!
Entrusting Joe with the sole responsibility for her happiness means that Lorraine sets herself up for a great deal of heartache, stress and low self-esteem. She sabotages herself by giving control to Joe.
However she is willing to pay that price so long as she can blame him for being mean and uncaring. Since he is the bad guy, he is the one who has to change. As the good guy Lorraine is let off the hook and avoids accessing her personal resources for managing her life.
HOW CAN LORRAINE FEEL GOOD WITHOUT MAKING JOE BAD?
1. By making arrangements in advance with family, friends, neighbors and Joe for the care of the children when she wants to get away.
2. By involving her team in supporting her plan. That makes Joe feel useful rather than burdened. Joe is more likely to encourage her to take a much needed break.
3. By taking the lions share of responsibility in achieving her goals makes it more likely that she will feel fulfilled. Joe will be attracted to her independence and want to be included in her ventures.
4. Lorraine has to chose self-empowerment more than the superior feeling and vindication she gets when she punishes Joe.
5 Switching from battle mode where there is only one victor to a win-win mode allows both Lorraine and Joe to feel good. That involves giving up the belief that relationships are all about ¡§ I did --- for you, so I expect and demand that you do --- for me.¡¨ Lorraine has to do things in her marriage because she wants to, not only because of what it may bring her in return.
6. This may be difficult for Lorraine to get her head around. At this moment there is a pay off for her in setting Joe up to be the bad guy. Her reward is feeling saintly. If she is willing to allow both of them to have good bits and bad bits instead of apportioning them out, she can be find greater acceptance of herself and her partner, making the relationship flexible and battle free.
copyright Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Do you get mad when your partner comes home late, or puts you on hold during a phone call? Are you seething with rage when you feel let down, disappointed and taken for granted? Are you bursting with outrage at the unfairness of doing most of the work in your relationships ? Do you feel manipulated by sweet talk that turns out to be empty promises? Are you tired of having to be the responsible one in your relationships. Are you sick of picking partners that seemed to the perfect one for you, only to find that they are unavailable and don¡¦t satisfy your needs?
You may be clogged up with anger, resentment and frustration. When you are blinded by rage you sabotage your chances of having satisfying relationships. Intense emotions muddy your communication skills. Resentment and rage drown out your message, making those around tune out. Whether you give someone the cold shoulder, or are provoked into an uncontrollable outburst , you create tension and distance in your relationship. The very opposite of what you want and need.
Anger uses up a lot of energy, is exhausting to carry around and leads to stress overload. It takes up a lot of room in your mind and body. If you are overwhelmed with anger, outrage, anxiety, fear, hate and grief, it may come out in the form of gastric upsets such as irritable bowel syndrome, colitis, bloating, constipation and diarrhea. Irritation when things don¡¦t turn out the way you hoped often expresses itself in skin breakouts and constant sore throats. Grief, fear, anxiety, outrage, hate and unresolved conflicts can disrupt your eating and sleeping patterns, leading to chronic fatigue, migraines, sciatica, neck, shoulder and back pain.
I Dr. Jeanette Raymond will help you
„P Digest your anger, making more room for loving, sensitive and respectful connections.
„P Craft your messages so that your feelings are expressed in a way that can be heard and responded to.
„P Transform the unproductive angry energy into focused strategies for strengthening your bonds.
„P Manage the disappointments so that you don¡¦t have to anesthetize the feelings with pills, food or alcohol or drugs.
„P Steer the energy towards being assertive without being aggressive.
„P Show you how to build your emotional muscles so that you are in the driving seat and calling the tune.
http://www.drjeanetteraymond.com
Dr. Raymond helps parents and children understand one another, and provides adult couples with a platform for having their conversations out loud rather than silently in their individual heads.
Dr. Raymond runs groups and conducts workshops on dream interpretation. She enables individuals to find their voice so that their bodies don't have to speak with back pain, gastric complaints, hair loss, skin breakouts, panic attacks and sleep disturbances. While emotional wounds can debilitate and prevent you from living a full life, Dr. Raymond collaborates with couples, family members and individuals to gain strength from it. She offers the opportunity to rewrite the internal dialogue that may be self-sabotaging and putting obstacles in the way of having meaningful relationships.
She is the author of several articles on the uses of anxiety, depression, and anger. Dr. Raymond emphasizes the way your body voices your anger, frustration, resentment and grief. She has also written on the value of tuning into your dreams, perfectionism, need for validation, power struggles in couples, the sexiness of conflict, and self-sabotage among other topics. http://www.drjeanetteraymond.com/articles.html
Dr. Raymond¡¦s blogs include
thepowerofourdreams.blogspot.com
wwwcouplesspeakdecoded.com
mybuttonsgetpushed.blogspot.com
Dr. Jeanette Raymond is a licensed psychologist and psychotherapist. She has a doctorate in clinical psychology and a masters degree in child, adolescent and educational psychology. She has 20 years experience working with adults, couples, adolescents, children and families.