The Spark Remains

Throughout my childhood I received consistent messages that demonstrated the power of a dysfunctional family. The disease of my parents and abusers robbed me of my boundaries and individuality – the right to have a self.

Remembering back now, through the years of oppression and sexual abuse, there was a spark that remained, gently flickering inside of me. This spark was the powerful need to become myself.

I believe this was what helped me to find the courage from within to confront the reality and enormity that being sexually abused, neglected and raped had upon me. The spark was what also motivated me to transform my life from depression, anxiety, alcoholism and co-dependency. The spark ignited into a flame as I became devoted to the process of healing from my traumatic past.

I, was robbed of my individuality. I was not protected so that I could keep a self. I had become a walking shell whose inner self, had been decimated and destroyed at a very young age.

My shell then became filled with other people’s dreams and values, anger, depression and alcohol to name some of the replacements. Filled - so as not to feel so empty.

I learnt to pretend to be someone I was not. Being someone you’re not lets alien behavior and attitudes enter your boundary and replace your self. This was why I felt so alien to myself! I had lost touch with my true self and did not know what I really wanted or needed. At the time, all I knew was that I felt very empty, like I had a huge gaping hole in my chest.

• I did not know how to share myself honestly.
• I pretended to agree when I disagreed.
• Concealed my true feelings.
• Worked too hard
• Done too much for others
• Too little or too much time spent alone
• Didn’t rest when I was tired
• Had little contact with the people who really cared about me
• Used chemicals to avoid myself: nicotine, alcohol, pills
• Pushed myself over my limits

If you are also painfully familiar with these examples, then you also have learnt to sacrifice your true self to survive also.

The harm and damage to our inner spark as children, often sets us up for continued harm as adults. If, as children, we had to deny our true feelings and thoughts to be safe, as adults we are very likely to continue to deny what’s true to us. Telling the truth felt unsafe, a threat to survival.

What a painful mess huh?

How do you find a way out of this mess and rekindle your inner spark?

When we don’t work ourselves free of the issues that got started when we were children,we are destined to relive them again and again. 1“Children who suffer trauma to core self and identity….,” writes Jane Middleton-Moz, “work toward resolution of that trauma and completion of development in adult life through repetition of the struggle with authorityfigures, in intimate relationships, through their own children or in therapy.”

Either you struggle with these issues with significant others in our lives, or you seek out professional help that shows you how to build boundaries, stay safe and ignite your inner self.

(1 Jane Middleton-Moz, Children of Trauma, Florida: Health Communications, 1989,
p64.)