5 Secrets for Handling Teen Trouble

The most common issues between parents and teens arise due to poor communication, power struggles and a lack of empathy. If you use the same parenting methods that you did when your teen was a child, you won't get positive results. You’ll just exhaust your energy.

There are five secrets to help you move from conflict to cooperation. Let the acronym - CLEAR - aid you in remembering what they are.

1. ConnectConnection is everything. You do that by having rapport. It's easy to be in rapport when you like your teen. Yet teenagers are often difficult to like. Did you know that liking someone is not a prerequisite for rapport? The ability to find something likable, however, is necessary.

To develop rapport, focus on something you can appreciate about your son or daughter. It can be a physical trait (eye color or bright smile), character trait or talent you can admire. If that feels hard, think back to when your child was an infant or toddler. Focusing on a positive aspect of your teen will build connection and prepare youfor your next interaction. Then, notice the difference as you feel more connected and in accord with each other.

2. Listen
Before you can be a good listener, you need to be willing to get more information. When you listen without being attached to your own point of view, you can become open and less defensive. I suggest you listen consciously without interrupting. Imagine you are hearing the words
from the smartest and most admirable person you know.

Identify feelings, resist the impulse to dismiss feelings or give unsolicited advice. Be interested in your teen; don't make the conversation about you. That would be a turn-off, and over time, you would run the risk of turningyour teenager further away, eventually looking for family and "love" in all the wrong places.

3. Empathy
Many arguments and much strife would be avoided if you take a moment
to step into teens’ shoes, to learn how they are perceiving their
situation. Then, empathize right away. This ability to truly hear and
seek to understand causes your teen to feel heard--vital for smooth
communications.

When you empathize, be sincere. Focus on the words and feelings that
are given and speak to them. Let your teen know you feel their pain
or their joy. Experiencing empathy feels like receiving a hug. Without
it, we feel empty and alone. Empathy enhances self-worth and builds
harmonious and trustful relationships.

4. AcknowledgeAcknowledge your teen's thoughts, feelings, or complaints; this does NOT mean that you are agreeing with them! You are simply, and Effectively connecting to them by validating what you heard. Some of you might be tempted to skip this step, so strong is our "need to be right." Don't do it!

Kids need to feel heard so that they know it's safe to talk to you. Empathy together with acknowledgement magically combine into a healing balm for the child in the "pain of anger." Even out-of-control kids will begin to let go of their resistance.

5. Request
In coaching teens to success, there is an emphasis on making requests vs. demands. A request is asking someone to do something. When you demand, you paint yourself into a corner. If a demand is declined, it can cause damage to the relationship. Why? Because the biggest stumbling block
you'll run into relates to being controlling. Control eads to resentment and resistance - not cooperation.

Here's an example of a request that states your clear expectation, "I request that you don't call your sister names or use put-downs. If you have suggestions that you think would be helpful to her, then say it in a respectful and constructive way." Teens are more likely to listenwhen you make a respectful request.

If you find that you resort to demanding things, you're probably letting your frustrations build up and are waiting too long to ask for what you want. Parenting is a skill. Now that you know how to stay CLEAR, you’ll be better able to support your teens as troubling situations arise.

© 2006 Barbara McRae, MCC.