Motherless Daughters Healing The Pain

There is nothing like Mother's Day to remind you of just how much you have lost and how painful that loss is if you are estranged from your mother due to abandonment (disclosing your abuse, mental illness, drug abuse, physical or emotional abuse etc) or loss.

When I disclosed my abuse to my mother back in 2001 I then became estranged from her and my family. I was called the “crazy one” and received no validation, support or caring from my mother.

I expected her to be shocked and to comfort me – I received nothing from her, instead she disclosed her own abuse to me and then rapidly changed the subject. Our relationship fell apart from that point and our relationship and life as I had known it was torn apart.

I had become a Motherless Daughter...

Much later, I realised that she did not know how to cope with the words, “dad abused me as a child” or capable of dealing with the situation.

I was left feeling betrayed, ashamed, shattered, abandoned, sorrow, engulfed in grief as my anger festered.

Six months later, I confronted my mother, seeking answers to which she had none …only hatred and anger toward me…this deepened my pain.

The following year was the first Mother’s Day since I had ceased contact with her.

I still remember that day…it was deeply painful and I was overwhelmed with sorrow, grief and guilt. Many people I knew said have a “Happy Mother’s Day”, hope you enjoy your day…God I thought I would die let alone have a damn happy day!

My pain spewed onto paper....

Mother’s Day 2002

There is an ache inside

Something I try to hide

The loveless nurturing

I flew from the nest

I felt this would be best

Anger, black and stormy wells up

Engulfing me like a sea swell

There is an ache inside

Of no guidance and unconditional love

I thank the Lord above

I now have my own children

We share unconditional love.

I hit rock bottom....

Over the following 8 years I dedicated my time and energy into healing from my past and slowly began to relax in my own truth as painful as that was. In the end I embraced some “alternative” healing methods, mainly Thought Field Therapy (It’s an emotional form of acupuncture) that helped me to clear the trauma and emotional pain...rapidly!

My life started to make sense and I slowly began to discover I could put the fabric of my life back together.

I thought we would never speak again...

My wounds were not so raw, time had passed and I had claimed my personal history as my true self cautiously emerged through the tunnel of pain.

Life continued to shape and form me and the pain bit by bit, gradually softened. In reflection; I came to realise that I had always been a Motherless Daughter; due to my mother not being able to meet my basic needs when I was a small child due to her own trauma. She was physically present but emotionally absent. This bought up those feelings of being unloved that I had tried to stuff down for so long.

As time passed, the opportunity arose to make contact with my mother. I did this via phone with much fear and trepidation.

“Courage is the price life extracts for granting peace.” ~ Amelia Earhart

I found I was now able to do this from a place of wholeness and strength which enabled me to feel empathy and gentleness towards her instead of anger and coldness.

We shakily reconciled, with some new ground rules and continue to move forward one step at a time. This was possible I believe because I had learnt to rebuild myself into someone who was no longer capable of being hurt in the same way. It’s still not a warm and fuzzy mother daughter relationship more like a little seed that has been purposely planted in the soil….slowly being nurtured. I am proud of reaching out and becoming the person I desire to be…one rooted in authentic truth!

I had learnt how to heal the wounds of being a Motherless Daughter over those years of estrangement.

The decision for reconciliation for survivors who are estranged from their mothers is a highly personal one.

“Reconciliation is possible only when we become larger than the people who have hurt us and the things that have caused us pain.” – Laura Davis

If you are estranged or have suffered the loss of your mother it is important to get help if you are suffering.