Guidelines for Determining Toxic Relationships!

Should I leave my relationship? This question is probably one of the top ten reasons people have come into my practice asking for help. I am a therapist who prefers to work preventatively. I would like someone who is in the market for a relationship to already be in therapy. A good therapist can evaluate your history with intimacy, help you heal your wounds, and help you get clear on who might be a good partner for you.

A Quick Guide of Gauging ToxicityWhen you are getting to know someone, understand it is a research project which takes about a year. Minimally you want to see how your partner handles the following situations:

Keeping agreements.
Handling finances.
Treatment of you in many different situations.
Treatment of his/her parents.
The treatment of those they perceive is not his/her equal.
Embracing your world with his/her world to create Our world.
Respectful communication including resolving differences.
How he/she handles anger/indignation (very important).
Generous of heart.
A good paradigm for emotional, spiritual, physical health.
These are just a few of the distinctions to be evaluated during your research project. Therapists cannot provide chemistry. If someone gets under your skin, we can’t fix it. We can only assist you in having a healthy relationship with a healthy person.

Warning signs this is not a healthy person for you are probably very similar whether you are in your research project or you missed the warning signs and are now in a relationship of some duration. Here are some distinctions to evaluate. If they are not present, you will be missing a good strong foundation.

1: Keeping AgreementsOur word gives us our dignity.

Dr. Anne BrownIf I say I am a woman of integrity, and I am selling cocaine to children, I have no dignity, no integrity, and my word means nothing. If your partner, potential or current, cannot keep his/her word, this goes in the negative column in Bold.

2: GenerosityI will never forget a story I heard of a woman who wanted a partner who had a financial abundance. She forgot to notice whether her partner was generous. Her partner had financial abundance-he just didn’t share this with her. Is your partner generous with love, finances, caretaking, communication, your world, those who have less for starters? These are some of the areas of importance for a life-time partner. If your partner is not generous, that might not be a deal-breaker for you. However, if you accept a non-generous partner and later you change your mind, the boat will be rocked!

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