When Your Marriage Drives You Insane

I was sitting at the kitchen table reading a magazine on a Saturday afternoon a few weeks ago. John came in for a snack. He got out a jar of peanut butter, scooped some out, and returned the jar to the fridge.

At some point in that process, a blob of Adams crunchy-style found its way to the floor.

"You drive me insane!" I cried. "When you're cooking a whole meal, I understand. But that was a 15-second operation. It was like watching Penn and Teller. How do you DO that?"

Now, whenever I do something the slightest bit annoying, John will rush at me with a crazed expression and roar, "YOU DRIVE ME INSANE!"

Okay, I overreacted.

It was kind of embarrassing, actually. Clearly, I needed a way to find a little more patience when John does those things. Splashing food around the kitchen being one.

I mean, you can say how you feel, you can negotiate, and you can problem-solve, but sometimes you just have to let go and cut your partner some slack, right?

I offer these tips to help you feel a little less insane the next time your partner does that thing he does, whatever it may be.

Tip 1: Get it, really get it, that you're sharing your space.

This should be obvious. But at the gut level, most people are not ready for this. You probably envisioned your life, just as it was, and your house, just the way you like it. Into this picture you inserted your partner. She would enhance it, but not fundamentally change it.

(If you're a woman you pictured him just as well-groomed as he was when you were dating . If you're a man you pictured her just as lusty as she was when you were dating .)

But you were dismayed to find out your partner came with more than his wonderful inner qualities that you fell in love with.

He brought his constellation of habits , possessions, and his own atmosphere.

He brought books and model planes and a vintage radio collection, and of course, computer equipment and wires, always more wires. And he thinks the natural place for his gadgets is the living room!

She brought books and art objects and handbags and cosmetics, and clothes, always more clothes. And she thinks the natural place for her cosmetics is all over the bathroom counter!

Of course, you're always trying to find those creative compromises, but you have to accept that the atmosphere your partner brings will always be there.

Tip 2: Remember your partner is just trying to feel comfy.

Maybe she insists all civilized families return the kitchen to a pristine state immediately after dinner. But you think that's a good way to spoil a nice meal. You'd rather wash up just before bed, or the next morning.

(Or vice versa. Because if you're a tidy man, you're sure to fall in love with a woman who also plays against type, right?)

Why does she have to leap up and start bustling around when you were having your first relaxed conversation of the day together?

It's so easy to ridicule her: "She's neat freak." Or feel like she's doing something to you.

But most likely she's just trying to make herself comfortable. We each have a style of homemaking that makes us feel at ease, just like we have style of dressing that suits us.

Doing things differently at home can feel like wearing a shirt that's too small for you. Or too preppy for your taste. Or too something. It just feels wrong.

It's good to remember that trying to make herself comfortable is a reflex for her, just like it is for you.

Tip 3: Instead of outraged, try affectionately annoyed.

Sometimes I tease John and tell him he's like a villain from "Batman." "It's not the Joker, it's not the Riddler-no, it's the SPLASHER!"

He might enjoy this or not, depending on his mood. Sometimes it's best to keep this a private strategy. It will still lighten me up.

As far as I know, John doesn't use this strategy to help him cope with me. If he did, I wonder which villain I would be? Maybe I don't want to know.

In my wiser moments, I see that being driven insane occasionally is the price of living with a brilliant, creative man.

When John spills something, I try to remember he's probably working out a tough problem in his head. Life with him is always interesting. Compared to the conversations we have, what are a few sticky bits here and there?

I hope these tips help you lighten up a bit, feel more forgiving of your partner's foibles and maybe feel more appreciative of what you have. And do try not to tell her she drives you insane.