Self-Love: The Overlooked Component for Healthy Living

I constantly am reminding my patients of one of the most important commandments: Love thy neighbor as thyself. Why “to love thyself” is such a hard concept is beyond me, but we have all bought into “do for others –first.” We allow a most insidiously pathological emotion called guilt to guide our actions. Societal pressures compound this guilt. What we must press into our databanks is that if we cannot love ourselves, we cannot love another. Period.

Our lives must start with ourselves. Anything given to another while neglecting our own needs borders on martyrdom. A well-known practice on airplanes punctuates this fact and provides the perfect metaphor. What do airlines tell us about handling an oxygen emergency in flight? Put your own mask on first. Not your partner’s, children’s or neighbor’s. Take care of yourself first, then tend to others.

Martyrdom ils pathological and actually quite harmful to loved ones who might be receiving our constant care. When our children witness our harried demeanor and seething resentment about always being on call for them, they may well get the notion that motherhood stinks. Why not give your child the gift of witnessing you taking care of your needs? That implicitly gives them permission to nurtures themselves, and the sick pathological cycle of martyrdom will at last be broken.

Self-love includes the ultimate requirement for self-healing: forgiveness . Living with anger, vindictiveness and resentments serves no one. It’s no surprise that those negative emotions don’t ever nail their garget: they make rapid u-turns and boomerang right back to us. A Chinese proverb reminds us that if we’re going to continue being angry and resentful, we’d better dig two graves.

Betty Eadie’s, Embraced by the Light, speaks of a woman’s near-death experience during which she meets up with God. Up to the time of this encounter, the woman has lived an ordinary life with ordinary experiences, just like the rest of us. She also has carried with her the baggage of guilt and resentment, just like the rest of us. The message that she receives from God and brings back with her to share with the rest of us is simple, yet profound: Love yourself and all others unconditionally, and forgive yourself and all others unconditionally.

So here’s a special practice to do each and every day, four times per day. Make sure to practice in front of the mirror, as it makes it so much more powerful. Look yourself in the eyes, the looking glass into the sould, and say the following out loud: I [recite your name], I accept you, I appreciate you, I forgive you, and I love you, exactly as you are.