Mother-Enmeshed Men: Can A Mother-Enmeshed Man Feel Responsible If His Mother Becomes Ill?

Even if a man does a lot for his mother and neglects a number of his own needs in the process, it doesn’t mean that he won’t end up in a position where he de does even more for her. This is something that can take place if his mother was to become unwell and less capable of looking after herself.

Assuming that this was to take place, he could soon spend more time doing things for her. Moreover, if he lives somewhere else, he could end up moving closer to her or even more in with her.

An Automatic Process

This can be something that takes place without him even thinking about if this is in his best interests. If so, how he behaves will be a continuation of how he has behaved for however long.

He will then have been giving a lot of his time and energy to his mother before and now he will be giving even more of his time and energy. As for his mother, she might express her gratitude or she might not say a great deal about what he is doing.

One Position

If she doesn’t express her gratitude and even complains that he is not doing enough, it can show that she believes that she is entitled to his time and energy. He is then going to be her son but, based on how she treats him; it will be as though he is her parent.

Due to this, it will be his duty to be there for her and there will be no reason for her to be grateful for what he is doing. But, even if she does behave in this way, it might not be something that bothers him.

One Purpose

What this is likely to illustrate is that he believes that he is here to look after his mother. So, while he is likely to appreciate it if she was grateful, the fact that she isn’t is unlikely to have much of an impact on him.

This is likely to show that he doesn’t value himself or have any boundaries when it comes to his mother. This is then why he puts up with her bad behaviour and he acts as though he is an extension of her.

Weighed Down

As the weeks, months and perhaps years go by, it could be harder and harder for him to behave in this way. But, as he will be giving so much and receiving very little in return, this is to be expected.

He might even arrive at the point where he simply can’t carry on behaving in this way. It is at this point that he can end up taking a step back and reflecting on why his life is this way.

Looking Back

If this were to happen, he could think about how he now does more for his mother than before and how this is too much for him to handle. Still, he could find that the mere thought of changing his behaviour causes him to be filled with guilt and shame.

He could also see that when she became unwell, he felt that he had to be there for her and didn’t think about the impact this would have on him. Therefore, although he was free to do what was right for him, he didn’t feel free.

Another Element

After this, he could come to see that he doesn’t feel good about himself and that this plays a part in why he puts his mother’s needs before his own. He could then see that he doesn’t have a clear sense that he is separate from his mother, with him feeling like a part of her.

With this in mind, if he did feel good about himself and had a clear sense that he is separate from his mother, his life wouldn’t be this way. Not only this but he wouldn’t have been focused on his mother before she became unwell.

What’s going on?

His need to be there for her now and before is likely to be a consequence of what took place during his formative years. This is likely to have been a time when his mother was emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

Additionally, she is likely to have seen him as her possession and forced him to adapt to her needs. This would have caused him to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

The Outcome

Instead of being able to gradually separate from his mother and develop a strong boundaried, sense of self, he would have stayed attached to her and remained boubdaryless. He would have also been conditioned to believe that his needs and feelings were bad and that he was responsible for his mother.

This is likely to show that his mother had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years. Her son needed a mother but she needed a parent and, as she was the one with all the power, she got what she wanted.

Moving Forward

The truth is that his needs and feelings are not bad and he deserves to have his own life. For him to realise this at an emotional level and to emotionally separate from his mother and develop a boundaried sense of self, he is likely to have a lot of inner work to do.
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This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.