Love Relationships and You

Back in the 1970s, when I read Wayne Dyer’s “Your Erroneous Zones,” I was shocked to learn what neuroses looked like and how many of them I had been taught to accept as “normal.” By learning which of my behaviors were neurotic, I was able to start the long project of upgrading them to healthy behaviors.

I am not saying romantic attraction is a bad thing. It is not bad, only commonly misunderstood and misused. Consider the consequences of seeking a partner by fantasy and projection (an illusion based upon something that never truly existed) and compare them to the consequences of seeking a partner based upon their authenticity, warmth, kindness, respect and integrity.

I have often said, “There is no one in my life that I don’t want there.” In consideration of the thousands of people that I’ve encountered over the years, I’m pleased to report that no one who chooses to come around me these days is abusive or parasitic. Of course, it wasn’t always that way.

I remember what my brother had once told me:You teach people how to treat you!

Wow, what a revelation! If I don’t like the way that I am being treated, it is because I have, through low self-esteem , self-doubt or guilt, made a silent pact to take the abuse that I believe I deserve; or to pay, give my money/energy, to someone out of guilt.
We don’t have to function from that space—ever!

Many singles seek a lover. When I ask, while coaching single clients, what they are seeking in a partner, they might start by describing the sterling qualities they want. They usually say something healthy like “Looks are nice, but how I feel with that person is more important.” (See, people actually do know the truth!)

“That makes for good chemistry,” I say to myself. Then, in so many cases, next comes the self-defeating part of their story. They say, “No matter what else, there MUST be chemistry. I need to have that spark!”

Wait a minute! They had first said they must have a good inner feeling about that person, that is the entire key to real chemistry, but unfortunately, that wasn’t enough for them. They have now dragged in their chemical addiction A.K.A. animal magnetism. There is nothing wrong with sexual attraction... There is, however, something wrong with making it the only or main reason for choosing a long-term partner.

I can usually tell if it is really a healthy energy/chemistry they are seeking. Sometimes, if the truth were known, they are merely needy or seeking sexual validation in order to compensate for their consistent feelings of low self-esteem . Unconsciously, there is a co-dependency sought that will enable both of them to keep their issues alive regarding sexual attraction or financial security.

Chemistry is the blend of qualities that interplay with others.
 How shallow it is to consider only looks or personality when these are merely masks and therefore changeable and insubstantial. I will expend only one paragraph discussing those who choose a mate based upon body parts. There is very little probability these people would be reading this post. But if this subject reflects a weak spot in your life, I can only suggest that you rethink.Parts don’t endure, love is eternal. During certain periods of our lives, sexual attraction is stronger than others. We must keep them in perspective or we will suffer. There is nothing more I wish to say on this subject.

On another note, I have seen attractive people going through “a bad patch” become physically unattractive in only a few months. Meanwhile...People with character often become sweeter and more beautiful with each passing year.

Do you need more evidence that there are two types of chemistry? Consider this: If chemistry were the same thing as appreciation for someone’s mind, soul and body, I think it is odd that addictive people often describe a healthy potential mate like this: “He or she was a terrific person, very warm and sweet; it was just that I didn’t feel any chemistry!” Real chemistry is simply the resonance of mental frequency or, in other words, like- mindedness. Physical excitement is no indication of true love. The adventure sought in "chemistry" becomes a nightmare when the blind fury wears off! When relationships are based solely on fantasy, they can only end in heartbreak when the bubble inevitably bursts.

Healthy chemistry is when two people feel 
a loving devotion toward each other. When people merely seek fireworks, you can bet something is about to blow up in their faces!

Healthy relationships are about mutually sharing and reverently celebrating each person’s wholeness and loving qualities. Couples need a safe space to connect, soul to soul, in a loving, caring, devoted way. Too many relationships are merely highly charged chemical reactions bound together by trade-offs and demands. These conditions must be met or the so-called relationship moves into drama mode. Regardless of your circumstances, if you would like to skip the co-dependent cycle, you must choose all your friends, lovers, and mates by their authenticity and character; by their true ability to give and receive love. Leave all other chemistry to the chemists!

Passionate feelings about a total stranger are simply projections.

Seeker, be authentic. Fall in love with life. Your joy and love for life will attract kind, loving people who will recognize you for your qualities and character. Then, unlimited possibilities follow!