I Do But Not With You

Why your man is stalling commitment, and what you can do to set him straight.

As a spiritual counselor, I've been asked this question many times: How can I make my man commit?

The cold truth is that you can't. You can't make someone do anything that they don't want to. Well, you can, but you can't make them like it. Even if you do manage to manipulate or spell him into commitment initially, he won't be around in the long run, if he really doesn't want to be there. If, and it's a big IF, you do get him to stay, he'll be miserable and making you equally miserable.

It's just not worth it to try to trick a man into sticking around if he doesn't want to. He will feel trapped, and will either find ways of escaping, or soiling the cage he's stuck in.

The reason many women are confused is because sometimes it isn't a case of hooking up with a man who doesn't want commitment at all. They've chosen a partner who says he wants to marry or have an equivalent long term commitment. The problem is that he doesn't seem to be interested in that with the woman he's with. He stalls and says that he's not ready yet, and they should just take things slowly.

This is legitimate for the first few months, but after half a year or more, it begins to be annoying. It's annoying because anyone who knows anyone who's ever been in love knows that at least attraction, for men, is immediate. Whether the relationship itself begins as a friendship or with some romantic tension, guys know on sight whether or not they're attracted to a woman. It's what happens after the first sight that determines whether it will become love or stay at lust.

What women don't know, and most men won't admit is that men's attraction has very little to do with social status, but their desire to commit does. A man will feel lust or even some degree of love for a woman he is attracted to and gets along with. He will however, only put a ring on a woman who matches his social needs and expectations.

So to truly know what her chances are with a man, she has to know something of how he was raised and his personal values beyond what he says. Men will often, these days, claim to be much more liberal, open minded, and progressive than they actually are.

Are they lying? Well, yes and no. They may be lying to themselves in a way. Everyone around them is having premarital relations, and most of their married friends were intimate with their future wives before the ceremony. They may legitimately enjoy their time with you and care for you. However, if somewhere in the back of their mind, they consider you a loose woman or unsuitable wife and mother material, then you have no chance.

What happens when you begin to attempt to pressure a man who does not find you suitable, into a commitment, is that he pulls away. When it comes right down to it, he does not believe that you are good enough for him. If he did, you wouldn't be the one pursuing a commitment. He would.

Being very real, when a man loves a woman and considers her a suitable partner, he takes the lead in defining the relationship. It is an almost instinctive urge to ensure that you belong to him, not like property, but like family . You become a part of his identity, and he wants to become a part of yours. So he will always make clear where you stand with him.

When you wonder where you stand with him, you already know where that is: nowhere. If he wanted you for a long term relationship beyond amusement, he would have let you know already.

So at the point that you feel the need to bring up commitment, you have taken on the role of "the man" in the relationship. If you are both the woman and the man in the relationship, you are alone, my dear. It is better to, without a word, and without drama, cut your losses and move on. No need to break up with a man who was never your boyfriend.

This is probably not the pep talk you were looking for, but it is the truth. This should not discourage you though. Learn from this. This will teach you what it's like to be loved by a man when you encounter someone who does love you, so that you won't take him for granted.

A man who loves you holds you in his heart, and on some level, under his arm, and never lets go. He wants to nurture you and protect you. The idea of anything or anyone harming you makes him utterly angry and crazed. Hurting you himself is unthinkable. The idea that he could do something to bring you pain is something like death to him. Indeed, losing you would be like a death .

This kind of love might seem awfully rare, but it's not. It happens all the time and is very much normal. It's the way most of our parents and grandparents loved each other. Some of our great grandparents even died in the same year because of love that was that tight.

If you are a loving person then you deserve a loving person. So why are you bothering with the guy who's not nurturing or protecting you, and who is happy to cause you pain for his short term amusement? Commitment? You should be pressuring him to stop cluttering up your schedule so you can find the guy who will really love you.

He's out there when *you're* ready to commit.

Game for Girls - How to have a fabulous love life.