How can you become a great listener?

By Mark Lamendola

www.mindconnection.com/BehaviorMod

Active listening is a skill. Like any other skill, it requires practice and refinement to develop it well. Here are some guidelines to become the best listener you can be.

Let’s begin with rule #1: There can be only one speaker and one listener at any one time.

Though it sounds obvious, most people do not abide by this foundation for good listening. Suppose your co-worker says the following to you: “Last night you left early and I am annoyed that we didn’t finish interviewing the rest of the applicants.” What would likely be your reply? Be honest, now.

a. I left at 5:30 on the button. You can even ask Mike, he walked out with me.

b. Don’t look at me. I wasn’t supposed to do the rest of the interviewing . That was supposed to be you and Shelly.

c. You’re always getting annoyed. Maybe you should see someone about that.

d. I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.

e. You’re angry with me because you thought I went home early and left you to do the work yourself.

You may have guessed that “e” is the only listening response in the list, but is that what you would have said?

Every one of these responses indicates that you heard what your co-worker said, but only the last response shows you actively listened. The rest are comebacks or rebuttals. If you rebut someone’s statement before acknowledging what he or she said, you are not listening.

You are also speaking. That violates rule #1. There can be only one speaker and one listener at any one time.

Couples violate this first rule all the time. One says something to start the conversation, and the other quickly finds a way to prove it wrong or disagree before ever taking the time to say that they understand the other’s statement.

If someone starts a conversation with you, they are automatically the speaker first. It’s the rules of the road for communication.

The first one in gets the right of way. You are (by default) the listener, until a crucial moment in the conversation.

That moment is when you can honestly say you can understand how the other person could feel as they do, given the circumstances they are describing.

Memorize this last sentence. When you reach this point where you can really appreciate the other’s point of view, you let them know it by paraphrasing what they said, and then you get to switch roles.

Now, you are the speaker and the other person assumes the role of listener. And, back and forth you’ll go until you have both met your goals.

Rule #2. The listener is a coach.

When you’re in the listener position, consider yourself a coach. Your job is to help the speaker to let you know everything they want to tell you about the subject at hand.If they’re angry with you, your job is to coach the anger out of them. If someone is angry with you, you want that person to tell you to your face and come away from the conversation satisfied that you heard it.

If they don’t get to tell you everything, they’ll still be holding on to the anger when they leave you. And, human beings being what they are, they won’t just hold on to that feeling privately. They’ll badmouth you to others, they’ll be (unintentionally?) late for meetings and deadlines, they’ll (accidentally?) spill their coffee on your rug, and they’ll distance themselves from you. Working with them will be much more difficult.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want that. I would much rather you tell me how you felt and then knew that I accepted what you had to say.

Rule #3. The listener isn’t being blamed or found guilty of something.

The listener is simply receiving important information. Many people assume that just because someone is expressing something upsetting, they must have done something wrong and they have to defend themselves. Nothing could be further from the truth.

When someone shares their feelings with you, they are giving you information about themselves. They are saying this is how I react when I perceive these conditions or circumstances.

It doesn’t mean:
• You did or said what they say you did or said.• They perceived things the same way you did.
• Their perception is correct and yours false.

They’re giving you vital information that will help you understand them better and to better meet their needs. This, in turn, will increase the feelings of understanding and cooperation between you.

Knowing this should help you to decrease your own levels of defensiveness, thus putting a whole new light on your future conversations.

Rule #4. The listener should ask questions to learn more about what the other person perceives and feels.

You’ll recall the crucial point we said the listener is trying to get to. Your goal as a listener is to understand the speaker so well that you can genuinely tell that person you see how s/he would feel that way, given the circumstances s/he describes.

To get to that critical point, you must ask questions to help his/her understanding along.

For example:

“What about the way I led the meeting left you feeling frustrated?”

“Can you give me a few examples of what you experience as my being too demanding?”

You ask these questions in a calm and unassuming tone. You’re not questioning the legitimacy of what the speaker is saying.

Rather, you’re asking for more information so you can really understand where they’re coming from. Be careful how you phrase your questions.

For example:
“What about that incident made you feel anxious,”vs
“Why would you be anxious about that?”

The second question implies the person is wrong about what they felt, whereas the first question is a genuine attempt to understand more about the speaker’s experience.

The speaker will see the first question as “you listen.” The second will be seen as arguing and criticizing.

When you follow these guidelines in your conversations, you’ll be using “Active Listening.” It will show immediately. The people you communicate with will look forward to talking with you again.

They won’t be afraid to share their real feelings with you; they’ll want to join forces with you. They’ll also be more receptive to what you have to say, which will decrease your own frustration, save time, and improve teamwork. Isn’t that what it’s all about?