Did A Mother-Enmeshed Man’s Mother Make Him Into Her Parent?

If a man were to take a step back and reflect on his life, he may see that he is more like his mothers parent than her son. The reason for this is that he could spend a lot of time doing things for her.

Yet, even when he is not doing anything for her, he could still spend a lot of time thinking about what he can do and worrying about her. Unsurprisingly, this is going to undermine his ability to have his own life, let alone live his own life.

Resistance

However, although he will see that living in this way is not serving his highest good, it doesn’t mean that he will just be able to change his behaviour. Instead, he can find that a big part of him feels comfortable with what is going on.

To this part of him, putting his own needs to one side and being there for his mother can be seen as the right thing for him to do. And, before long, he can soon be doing something for her.

For example

He could be moving something for her, fixing something for her, or taking her somewhere, for instance. Then again, he could be listening to a challenge that she is going through and providing emotional support.

What this illustrates is that, when it comes to what he does for her, it won’t always relate to what he physically does for her. No, it will also relate to what he emotionally does for her.

Inner Conflict

Before long, he could wonder why he has such a compulsive need to be there for her and can’t implement boundaries. If he were to imagine a scenario where she wants him to do something and he says no, he could end up feeling guilty and ashamed.

After this, he can experience a fair amount of fear and anxiety . If so, due to what happens when he does try to assertive himself, it is not going to be possible for him to do what is right for him.

What’s going on?

At this point, he could struggle to understand why he is so conflicted and can’t just live his own life. But, as confusing as this will be, if he were able to go back in time, it might soon make sense.

During his formative years, his mother may have seen him as nothing more than an object that was there to meet her needs. If this was the case, it wouldn’t have truly occurred to her that her son was a separate being who had his own needs and feelings.

A Tough Time

Of course, she probably would have realised that he needed food, shelter and clothes to wear, but that would have been about it. She would then have given him what he needed to survive but she wouldn’t have given him what he needed to be able to develop a strong sense of self and live his own life.

So, he would have been greatly wounded and deeply deprived. Yet, as he was powerless and dependent on her for his survival, his only option was to focus on her and meet her needs.

Too Much Of a Risk

In the beginning, when he did express his needs, he was likely to have been punished in some way. Therefore, after a while, he would have soon stopped trying to express himself and lost touch with a number of his needs.

The connection that he had to his body would have gradually been severed, with him being forced to live on the surface of himself. In the place of a connected and inner-directed true self, would have been a disconnected and outer-directed false self.

A Strange Scenario

As to why his mother moulded him into a being who would be there for her - and this is likely to have taken place unconsciously - it is likely to be because she was also deprived during her formative years. This is likely to have been a time when one or both of her parents saw her as an extension of themselves.

Not receiving what she needed and being deeply wounded would have caused her to lose touch with her connected, true self. The self that replaced this might have been an inflated and unfeeling false self, though, which would have played a big part in why she ended up treating her son in the way that she did.

Developmentally Stunted

Thanks to how wounded she was during her formative years, and as she didn’t become aware of and heal the damage that was done, she would have forced her son to become the attentive, caring and needless parent that she needed but didn’t have. But, as this stage of her life had passed, it would have been too late for her to receive what she missed out on as a child.

She was then symbolically receiving what she missed out on but it wouldn’t have changed her at a fundamental level. What this shows is how a parent becomes a child and a child becomes a parent when a parent is developmentally stunted but has no awareness of this.

Moving Forward

Taking all this into account, if he had received what he needed and hadn’t been used by his mother and perhaps his father, he would probably feel comfortable being there for himself. This would just be what is normal and behaving differently would feel uncomfortable.

For him to change his life, he is likely to have a lot of inner work to do. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.