Self Sabotage - The Dream Killer

Self Sabotage...why would anyone want to do that???

The dictionary definition of sabotage is "an act or process tending to hamper or hurt" or "deliberate subversion". “Any undermining of a cause, or priority”. So the definition of self-sabotage would be, “Any undermining of your own cause or priority which hampers or hurts you. “ Okay then. Why would we want to sabotage our Self? That's a complicated answer. And an easy one, too. We make that choice.

It's all about emotional programming. It’s about the negative self talk that takes place unconsciously, when you are NOT consciously aware of what that nasty voice is saying in the background of our minds.

Imagine being at a movie theatre, watching a good flick, and there’s this voice spouting dribble a row behind you. You stay focused on what’s happening on the screen but you are slightly aware by the tone of the voice, perhaps not catching the words, that the person behind is not into the movie as you are. It’s perhaps slightly irritating to you. But you choose to ignore it OR not. If you don't, that’s when you turn around and with an intimidating look, tell the doomsayer to be quiet! If you do ignore it, that’s when you watch the movie but continue to be irritated.

The doomsayers of the mind are the parts of us that are protecting a belief that may be contrary to what you logically want. And it's coming from our subconscious mind which is the single most powerful goal oriented mechanism known to man. I just can’t say that enough. It is the non judging part of the mind, the "feeling" mind. Let’s say you procrastinate doing the homework for a night course you’re taking that will help you get a promotion at work. You find a zillion excuses to not do it. “I’m tired from working all day and need a break right now”; “I have to do the laundry first or I won’t have any clean clothes to wear to work tomorrow”; “Maybe this isn’t for me”; “I’ll do it later when I have more energy ... time....brain cells”. Are any of these excuses going to get you the promotion? Sure, dressing in clean clothes might make an impression on your boss who is holding the reigns to your future. Yes, being bleary eyed tired might put a damper on that impression as well. But what you REALLY want is to get the promotion which will increase your income and self esteem .

Logically, you know you have the skills and can do the job better than Mark or Tom or Carol who are also jockeying for the job. You have the drive and passion to climb the corporate ladder. This is what encouraged you to throw your name in the hat. You also recognize that you need a more experience in a particular area required by the new position. And you know that Mark and Carol have that. Thus you are taking the crash course in “Accounting in your Sleep”.

So how is it that you know that this course is vital to your professional growth yet all that excitement and drive is deflating and shrivelling like a 3 day old birthday balloon? Because your subconscious mind has other plans for you. And they’re based on a belief that YOU YOURSELF believe about YOURSELF. And it’s an UNCONSCIOUS belief, which means you aren’t aware of the belief consciously nor even remember what the belief is at this point.

Willpower is a conscious mind function. It’s when we use action and energy to move towards something. But it’s not coming from the powerful inner mind. And it fizzes out in the face of the ruthless subconscious goals. Let’s say that the belief is that you’re not good enough. And that belief extends to your professional life. The subconscious mind will protect this belief because it’s yours! You came to believe this at a time when you had no control of what was happening around you. as a child. So the subconscious mind sees you going for the promotion as a threat to that belief. That in its pursuit, you will ultimately be hurt emotionally because you’re not good enough to handle the new responsibilities! You believe that...unconsciously! So it begins its strategising to ensure you don’t go through with it. Our National Defence departments could learn from this part of the mind big time. Being an imaginative and emotional mind, it will use feelings and thoughts to sabotage the movement toward a goal it sees as not being in harmony with its belief system, which ultimately is YOUR belief systme. It’s not a realistic mind nor a judging mind. It’s not doing all this to make you feel bad. It’s doing all this to help you AVOID feeling bad.

Thus, slowly but surely (or quickly and surely), you begin to feel nervous and doubt yourself. You may or may not wonder where the excitement and drive went. Well, it was booted out the door. You find ways to avoid the task, and the thought of the task becomes greater than the task itself.

And the logical mind is in cahoots with the subconscious mind. Because it’s the rationalizer. It’s our judge and jury. As I showed you in the THEORY OF THE MIND, the logical mind shields the subconscious mind from the outside world. If an incoming sensory message from the outside is not deemed in HARMONY with the established subconscious belief, it gets rid of it. It’s like shooting a BB gun at a brick wall. All the will power in the world will not override this. If you’d stopped and listened to yourself as you made the decision to go for the promotion, you may have heard that inner voice telling you that it’s a bad idea. That you really don’t have what it takes. You may have noticed the feelings that accompany the voice as well, such as fear, nervousness, anxiety , saddness. But you soldiered on due to will power and the original though that it was logical. Logical or not, it won’t happen if the subconscious mind isn’t on board that train to the next stop on your route to professional growth.

Fear is the motivator of the subconscious mind. Many of us are too frightened to even imagine making changes to our lives. Security is that which is familiar. If you stay in your job, your marriage , your LIFE as it is, then you at least know what you are dealing with. We resist change. To use an extreme example, how many of us have read about abused women who stayed in that abusive relationship until one day they had the courage to leave. You might ask yourself, “Why the heck didn’t she leave the first time he used her as a punching bag?” It’s because the evil you know is better than the evil you don’t know. The fear of the unknown is a powerful thing. These women are no different than any of us! What makes them do what we would not is their own state of self worth, their internal BELIEF. We are all guided by our personal values, morals and beliefs. We all have some form of fractured sense of value. And when experiences have continuously battered that fragile piece that knows we ARE worthy of being treated with respect, the belief that we are NOT only gets stronger. It’s the law of compounding, no pun intended. Again, it’s the belief that you aren’t good enough, loveable enough, important enough, that guides our choices.

And the subconscious mind is in the driver’s seat. It perpetuates the belief by having us choose the situations (again, subconsciously and without judgement) that perpetuate the belief. For example, choosing abusive men to have relationships with. And if an abused woman were to look at her history, she would begin to notice that each relationship choice was progressively MORE abusive. Why? Because each experience only reinforced the belief that she deserves to be physically and emotionally abused. She doensn’t feel she deserves any better. And because it’s not rational, she believes that somehow, it’s her fault anyway!!!! It’s her inner child that says and feels this. That child in her came to believe by her perceptions based on experiences in her early life that if she were better, more helpful, quieter, more invisible, that she would then be a good girl and receive the love and respect and attention she deserves (which she always deserved to begin with).

So what can we do to stop this? A good place to begin is to put on hold the behaviour for a moment and step back from being the Participant in your life without choice. When you do this, you can observe what you are doing. Become aware of why you are sabotaging yourself. Close your eyes and listen to your “self” and you will hear the clues to why you do what you do. Go with the first thought that comes to your mind. This puts you on the road to making more conscious choices to create what you do want in your life. Read books . Journal your thoughts to work through the procrastination to get to the root issue. Make a list of all the times you’ve procrastinated in one column and in the next, write out what you did to self sabotage. Noticing behaviour brings it to conscious attention. Then create a plan to begin practising better habits .

Know thyself. This will help you have more control vs. feeling mindless about what you say, think and do. It’s easy to point fingers and look outside ourselves. But the answer and the impetus for the behaviour are inside ourselves. In a situation where it’s likely to happen, watch your thoughts, be aware of the impulse to sabotage yourself, say “That’s interesting” and let them pass away before you act.

Here’s a simple exercise I found that worked for me and I pass along to clients:

Stand in front of your mirror and look into your eyes as you say 3-4 times:

“I am open to change”Did you feel any tightness in your throat? Was it difficult or easy to say? If you felt like it just didn’t feel right in your gut, than ask yourself what the resistance is about. Then say in the mirror 3 – 4 times:

“I am open to release the resistance to change”This is a powerful statement because it is giving you permission to release whatever feeling is behind the resistance. If tears begin to come up, let them go. Have a good cry. It it’s anger, then grab a pillow and let the feeling move from where ever it is in your body to your hands and release it by pounding or kneeding the pillow. I know, sounds strange but it works. Emotions are energy and movement helps to release.

I believe that the Universe supports us in every thought we choose to think. If we think we can’t – we can’t. Act as if you believe this is the best thing for you at this time in your life. Give yourself the gift of patience and love – you will get positive results!

Include seeking help to ultimately discover the root of the belief that causes you to self sabotage so that you can change it. Find a Hypnotherapist in your area who can facilitate that change. If you are in an abuse relationship, as safely as possible, call a helpline. Talk to someone who can help you.