NOT Pamela Anderson

Recently, a woman submitted this question to my online advice column, Ask Betsy . I've included my answer in this article.

Dear Betsy, This is embarrassing for me to say, but here goes: My husband has a big boob fetish. Since I've always been large-breasted, this was never a problem until we had children. That's when my breasts -- which he used to describe as "ripe peaches," became fluffy little pancakes. At first, we both pretended the change hadn't affected us, but it has. As hard as he tries, he can't get over the fact that my breasts -- which he once found so sexy -- are gone for good.

I don't know what to do. At first I was angry at him, but the truth is, we're both sad. I'm not against breast augmentation, but before I do anything, I want to be sure I've thought this through. Am I crazy for considering surgery? Is he a pig for not loving me as I am? After all, I didn't do anything. I got this way from having our children. What do you think I should do?

Signed,Not Pamela Anderson

Dear Not Pamela, First of all, I don't think your husband is a pig. I'm not hearing him say he doesn't love you or he's leaving you for a younger woman. I'm hearing him say he gets turned on by large breasts. Let's face it, a fluffy pancake isn't as juicy as a ripe peach. But then, that balding guy you sleep with probably isn't quite as hunky as he was ten years ago either. You're both the same people, but chances are -- unless you've got a full-time nanny, a personal trainer, a live-in chef, and amazing genes--neither of you looks quite as hot as you did in your twenties. (I know I sure don't.)

The way I see it, sexual attraction isn't a choice, it's a force. I can decide not to eat dark chocolate, but I can't decide not to want it. Your husband likes large breasts. So? This isn't a perversion, it's a preference. The fact is, you liked them too when you had them.

Unless your husband is being mean about changes in your body caused by having your children, I recommend you stop wasting time being angry at him, and start having fun together working on a solution.

Breast augmentation does not sound fun to me. Do I think you're crazy for considering it? No. Do I think there are better options worth exploring first? Absolutely.

After all, breast augmentation is surgery. And implant surgery has a laundry list of risks, complications, and realities associated with it, including: surgical pain, deflation, leakage, capsular contracture (hard breasts caused by scarring around the implants), puckering, wrinkling, the great likelihood that you'll need additional surgeries to replace implants, irreversible withering of breast tissue following removal, asymmetry, displacement, shifting, "sloshing," changes in nipple sensation, calcium deposits in tissue around implants--not to mention a slim risk of dying from the anesthesia (which I imagine is only slightly worse than "sloshing"). For more information on surgical breast augmentation go to: http://www.fda.gov/MedicalDevices/ProductsandMedicalProcedures/Implantsa...

Before I'd go under the knife for any reason--especially cosmetic--I'd want to explore all other options first. How about one that's quick, easy, non-surgical, and involves zero risk to your health? Not only that, but it could be fun, and it's almost guaranteed to have the same effects on the neural pathways in your husband's brain--and other choice bits of his anatomy. The secret I've discovered about men is that they don't require perfect breasts in order to get turned on. They require the illusion of perfect breasts.

I'm suggesting you make a date with your sister or girlfriend and head to the nearest mall. Steel your nerves with a glass of wine and then stroll over to Victoria's Secret (or Target, for that matter). Scope it out. Fondle the merchandise. Feel the difference between "The Miracle Bra," with its "removable silicone gel pads," and the "Very Sexy Push-up Bra," with its "revolutionary oil-and-foam fill."

Try things on. Truss things up. Have a good laugh while you strut your stuff. If it makes things easier, pretend you're Pamela Anderson. She won't mind. Then treat yourself to something pretty.

At this point, some of you might be thinking: Wait. This is terrible. Why would any self-respecting woman stoop this low? Aren't women exploited enough in our culture without encouraging exploitation at home?

As a feminist, I would have to agree. I am absolutely against the exploitation of women. But after twenty years of counseling heterosexual couples, I'm not convinced this is exploitation. Women in every culture throughout human history have used artificial means to attract men and hold their attention: perfumes, oils, love potions, dyes, make-up, tattoos, wigs, hairpieces, feathers, bustles that made the buttocks look bigger, corsets that made the waist look smaller.

Women aren't forced to alter their bodies to entice men. They choose to alter their bodies to entice men because it gives them power.

The point is: if you're willing to consider surgery to alter your appearance, why not start with a safer approach that's likely to achieve the same results?

Happy shopping,Betsy