The most effective way to set your dating deal breakers or non-negotiables in what you’re looking for in a relationship is to set your intention solo or with the help of a dating coach like Marni.
This week plan to take an hour or two to get clear on what you’re really looking for in a long-term partner. The big question when you’re determining dating dealbreakers is deciding how to set your non-negotiables.
Dating with Dignity is here to help make sure you stay on track when determining your non-negotiables for your future healthy, happy, loving relationship. So get that piece of paper out and settle in on the couch!
Setting your non-negotiables is going to lead you to the place you’re aiming for: a healthy, loving relationship.
1. Decide that you’re done letting people drive you crazy.If you find yourself complaining to friends that you “keep meeting the same kind of guy” or wonder why you keep dating people who call you after midnight, it’s time for you to set a clear non-negotiable for your future relationship. That relationship will start with how you define yourself and your boundaries.
While it may seem difficult to communicate to men what you need because you’re afraid they’ll run off or consider you“high maintenance,” it’s really easy once you understand your value! You have to let them know that you need them to stop the behavior that doesn’t meet your expectations, or you let them know that you aren’t a match because you have different values.
Either way, you’ll come out on top and make yourself available for someone who won’t drive you crazy but instead will be crazy about you. (My client Lisa finally got real about her non-negotiables five months ago after years of putting up with, quite frankly, crap! Once she got clear on her value and set boundaries, the crap went away and in walked Mark, who is now her husband!)
2.Know when it’s appropriate to want/talk about commitment, and then be fearless.When you’re in the early dating stages (e.g., the first two months or so), it’s time to get to know each other. You really don’t want to rush into a relationship without giving each other time to decide that you’re ready for the next step. However, if you feel afraid of bringing up the topic, you’ll need to discard that fear.
Of course it’s ideal if your guy brings up the topic first; but if you feel like it’s time (two to three months into dating is generally the right period to discuss), it is YOUR responsibility to let him know what it is you’re looking for. If he’s a stand-up guy, he’ll be ready to define the relationship with you. And if he isn’t? Sayonara. You want to be with a man who’s ready to be in a committed relationship with you, not someone who’s scared to take it to the next level. It’s better to know the truth now rather than falling in love with the potential of your relationship.
3. Say YES to you.Part of saying yes to you involves saying no to others. When you say yes to knowing that your needs are important and deserve to be met, you’ll begin to say no to things that are below your value. Instead of glossing over an issue or ignoring that feeling in your stomach that you should say something, it’s time for you to take control and set your non-negotiables in a way that will lead you toward your relationship intention.
Marni Battista, founder of Dating with Dignity, has professional training in dating and relationship coaching as well as training in the Core Energy Coaching Process from the Institute of Professional Excellence in Coaching (IPEC). A certified Life Coach through the International Coaching Federation, Battista is also a Master Practitioner at administering an Energy Assessment—“The D-Factor”—which helps clients pinpoint exactly why they are or are not "date-able" and what types of messages they unconsciously broadcast to men based on their thoughts, feelings, actions and attitudes.