What's Your EQ? Understanding Emotional Intelligence

It sounds like an oxymoron, doesn't it? I mean, "emotional intelligence"? Aren't emotion and intellect two very different things? Not anymore, at least according to Dr. Relly Nadler, author of The Leader's Playbook: How to Apply Emotional Intelligence .

Dr. Nadler explains Emotional Intelligence , or EQ , thusly: " Emotional Intelligence can be described as an ability or skill to understand and manage yourself and your emotions and understand and manage others and their emotions leading to star performance."

One could write a whole book on EQ alone, and many already have. For our purposes, however, the keywords in the above definition all come down to learning how to "manage yourself and your emotions." This is no easy feat, particularly in the high-paced, highly-competitive, highly-charged world of the modern corporate battlefield.

Yet "emotional management" is a skill you must learn to truly grasp the art of command. Not to become a rigid automaton for the sake of the company or your career, but to realize that as healthy as emotions can be, when not under control they can also sabotage you when you least expect it.

Consider the following very common scenario: You are faced with an unreasonable deadline to complete an already-challenging project when word comes down from high that the deadline has become doubly more unreasonable by upping the delivery date from next Monday to this Friday. Most people would become upset at this news, particularly since the reasons -- as conveyed by the underling messenger –-- seem so arbitrary. Just as many people would "shoot the messenger," lashing out simply to give a release to their emotions and establish they're no pushover.

A true commander would assess the situation, realize quickly that no amount of shooting the messenger is going to change the actual message, take the message for what it is, assess it internally, sit down with a trusted team and deal with it. In the final analysis, the difference between IQ and EQ is recognizing your emotions but controlling them as well.

Just as important as recognizing your emotions is dealing with the stimuli that create them. To counteract the powerful nature of our very human emotions, here are some proven strategies for keeping your emotions in check as you learn more about EQ and its implications in the boardroom:

Understand individual triggering mechanisms: We all have triggers; it's simply human nature. For me, I can't stand negativity. I am a positive person and choose to work with positive people, so when someone approaches me with a sour look on his or her face and uses a negative tone to express negative words like "can't," "won't" or "never," I'm immediately on the defensive. But that's okay; I know my triggers so I can deal with them responsibly, maturely and, while I feel emotion, I can deal with such triggers without getting emotional. Your goal should be to identify your triggers. What has "set you off" in the past and forced you to react emotionally before you could really control it? If it helps, list your top-5 latest blowouts; next to each blowout, list the trigger. You may see some common themes, like "tardiness," "irresponsibility" or "placing blame." When you know your triggers, you can handle them; when you handle them, you can handle your emotions.

Separate the message from the messenger: Every day, leaders are faced with two paths to follow: control or chaos. I think we all know how it feels to be led into chaos, and I'm sure that, given the chance as leaders, we would never want anyone to follow us into that nightmare realm. Unfortunately, unchecked emotions in even the most well-intentioned leaders can lead the entire organization into chaos if the leader isn't careful. Most leaders do just fine when everything is going well; it's when plans get derailed, deadlines get missed or something fails when our leadership skills are truly tested. Often we learn of this news in the form of a messenger; typically the messenger becomes the focus of our anger, derision, guilt, shame, defensiveness or outright savagery. But even as we hear the bad news we have to start thinking to ourselves, "Is it this poor assistant's fault that Phillips deleted the spreadsheet? Is it her fault that corporate is upping the deadline? Did she nuts to Boise and the bolts to Memphis, when it should have been the other way around?" Hardly; she is just the messenger and no matter what you say or do to her, the message still won't change.

Choose your words carefully: Always be on language patrol; and not just for foul language, either, but for derisive, bitter, cutting, derogatory or inappropriate language as well. When we act out emotionally, we often lead without our tongues and follow with our brains. That's why managing your EQ is so vital; controlling your emotions helps you censor yourself when what you really want to say could burn bridges, tarnish reputations, bruise egos or end careers. Often what is said in haste results in waste; wasted emotion, wasted time apologizing, wasted time worrying about apologizing, wasted time making up for lost ground. Find a tactic that works to help you choose your words carefully in the face of overwhelming emotion. It could be as simple as literally counting to 10 or biting your tongue. One of my colleagues closes her eyes at the first signs of trouble and opens them when she's ready to speak. Another simply nods once to signal she's heard the information and doesn't speak again until she's processed it. Don't worry if someone has to wait an extra five or ten seconds for your response; I'd rather be tardy saying something smart than early saying something mean!

Apply the 5-Minute Rule: The 5-Minute Rule insists that the world can shift in five quick minutes; that what you say or do can either turn the heat up or turn it down, depending. I remember once I snapped at a very good assistant for a very minor problem: the copier jammed. But it wasn't just the copier jam that made me lose it, of course. It was the fact that I should have told her to have the copies ready hours ago, the fact that I really needed to impress the client who was waiting on these copies, the fact that traffic on the way into work that morning had been snarled, the fact that I hadn't eaten; you name it, I snapped at that girl for a laundry list of wrong reasons. Fortunately, the client didn't hear me; my assistant did. In five short minutes we fixed the jam, printed the proposals and contracts, bound them, brought them into the meeting -- and had to wait another three minutes while the client finished a phone call he thanked us for letting him make. Five minutes, and everything was right back to normal; only it wasn't. I had permanently damaged the relationship with my assistant and never quite got it back. She said she understood; it was clear she didn't. My point here is what if the client had heard, what if my boss heard, what if the board of directors heard -- what if I had actually listened to the nasty words coming out of my mouth? And all for nothing. Even if the copies hadn't gotten printed on time, would the world have come to an end? Hardly. I could have faxed them over to his office later or emailed them to his computer. Frankly, if I'd been in control of my EQ at the time and not so intent on blaming my poor assistant, I could have thought with a clearer head and simply PRINTED the contracts and proposal from my computer. And that is the true cost of letting your emotions get the better of you; anger, fear, guilt, shame and blame all get in the way of common sense. When you're emotional, you can't think straight; when you can't think straight, you lead crooked -- which is to say, not at all!

Published on Intent.com. The above is an excerpt from the book SKIRTS in the Boardroom
by Marshawn Evans