Tao of Approaching Celebrities

Time for another installment of Tao Power for you. I'm going to start with a letter from a reader that was so powerful that it even got me to sit up and pay attention:

***SUCCESS STORY***
From: Will F.
Subject: I am now totally rejection-proof.

Dr Alex,

I am now absolutely 100% totally rejection proof.

Just an hour ago, I took my morning exercise bicycle ride for fitness up to Dunedin (in Florida). There was a film crew shooting some lame city official, and I stopped and asked the soundman who the celeb was. He said, 'Marla Maples.'

I looked around, and saw her having coffee with some people near the Starbucks, in the old green boxcar by the history museum. I caught her eye, and smiled really confidently—gave her my happy glance. She lit up. So when the film crew stopped and were going to the vans just down the way, I went up to her and took her hand—Immediately started chatting her up like we were old friends. Down by her van we hugged—she asked me to join them for a dinner later today. I say, 'My son is DJ'ing tonight at the Atrium in Clearwater at 10:00—I won't be able to make it (again she lights up).” We chat about DJ stuff. She says the dinner is much earlier... and she introduced me to her boyfriend (I think his name was Andrew - he looked miffed).

I am getting good at building the attraction and I am working on my own how to get them to come to me. But your ideas have been helping me to build my basis of understanding, which is necessary so I understand what I am doing and can be more natural.

Alex, I am 60 years old, I am a medium build - 5'9 and only 145 pounds - some say skinny…just getting back into dating after a third failed marriage of ten years. I have grey hair, and just average looks—I have no wealth. I would never have done what I did today, ever before. No way would I have moved in on such a fantastic babe. Her first words to me were 'Hey, You look good' and I knew it was on ... Attitude guys ... Attitude .

Thank you Alex,
Will F., Florida
*****

Well done, my friend! This is such an inspiring story for Me, because it illustrates many of the principles of the Tao of Dating e-book in a short space—both the things you are supposed to do, and the behaviors you're supposed to avoid.

First thing Will does here is that he enters looking her in the eye and smiling confidently—he calls it his 'happy glance.'

Now the happy glance costs just as much as the surly glance, the confused glance or the haughty glance. But it turns out that it works better than the other glances, and it makes him feel good to boot. Points for Will.

Then he "started chatting her up like we were old friends."

Is that allowed? With a *public* figure? Who's really good-looking? Who is there with her boyfriend?

Well, the police were there and they didn't ticket Will, so I guess it's allowed. Not only is it allowed, but it also works really, really well. In any situation.

It's one of the best methods for getting rapport, and one of the three shortcuts to instant rapport I discuss in The Tao of Dating e-book : to *assume* rapport a priori. (The other two are to go into the emotional state of the bond, and to share a secret).

But the best thing that Will did may not even register the first time you read the story.

He was *mentally prepared*.

As Sun Tzu put it, "The battle is won or lost before the first blow is struck." Because the main battle is with yourself and your perceptions of lack and limitation.

The mindset is the BE part. The actions are the DO. And the fun he had and the story he can now tell is the HAVE.

This reminds me of the four stages of learning —a principle which really resonates with me, and a lot of my students.

We all start with *unconscious incompetence*. This means that you're not aware of what you don't know, and frankly you don't care. For example: You can't pilot the Space Shuttle, and it doesn't really bother you right now.

Next comes *conscious incompetence*, which I like to call the 'Oh crap!' phase. This means now you're aware of what you're supposed to know—and you don't know it. Someone just gave you the assignment to pilot the Space Shuttle next week, and now you're in deep doo-doo. This is the least fun part of the learning experience for most people.

But then you grab the Owner's Manual from the Space Shuttle's dashboard, and you figure some things out. You still have to think about where the shifter and cup holder are, but you're making progress. This is *conscious competence*. You can do it, but you have to think about it. And it's kinda starting to be fun now.

And, finally, when you've done it enough times, you have *unconscious competence*. That means you're piloting the Space Shuttle with one hand while drinking your mocha latte and talking on your cell phone at the same time. This stage is also known as mastery.

OK, so great ideas, doc. But how do we actually implement this stuff, you ask?

Luckily, the Tao of Dating is all about applied wisdom and practical spirituality, so we ain't gonna leave you hanging, my friend. I'm going to give you a list of things to actually BE and DO, and *how* to BE and DO them so you can HAVE lots of fun. Here's the list of 4 items:

1) Detach from results and simply enjoy the process. In his story, Will's all smiles from the very beginning and clearly having a good time. Does he care that the woman in question is semi-famous and mega-cute? Nope—he just does his thing. Come from the attitude : "I have everything that I need." Results are always nice to have, not need to have. This reminds me of one of Anthony de Mello's favorite quotes, from the old Chinese sage Tranxu:

"When the archer shoots for no particular prize, he has all his skills; when he shoots to win a brass buckle, he is already nervous; when he shoots for a gold prize, he goes blind, sees two targets, and is out of his mind. His skill has not changed, but the prize divides him. He cares! He thinks more of winning than of shooting, and the need to win drains him of power."

Like Jack Nicklaus, the great golfer, make every shot your first shot of the game. If you already have everything that you need (which you do), you can't get hungry and you'll stay focused.

2) Instill beliefs using affirmations .
Write down the beliefs you want to have about yourself and your world. If you like the ones I present in Chapter 4 of the Tao of Dating e-book , you're welcome to use them. If you can come up with ones that fit you better, use them instead. Now read those beliefs out loud to yourself when you first get up in the morning, OR re-write them every day, OR repeat them silently for several minutes each day during eating, driving, walking . OR, do all three.

3) Visualize the beliefs and their consequences.
Make the visualization so vivid such that you actually *feel* a difference in your body. Take the beliefs to their logical conclusion—how would your world look if you had that belief? Ideally do this in a quiet place with your eyes closed. Meditation and self-hypnosis work, if you already have a background in that.

4) Anchor the new beliefs in reality by testing & using them in your life.
Actually go out and do some of the stuff that these beliefs should make you do. You wouldn't buy a car without test-driving it, so why would you buy an idea without testing it first? It needs to be a good fit for you, and the only way to find that out is by testing. Additionally, when you approach the new behaviors coming from the beliefs as 'testing'—"hey, let's just see what happens"—you're coming in with the "Zen mind, beginner mind" attitude , which is the cornerstone of success and fulfillment.

Now if you're the kind of person who saddles up and immediately gets stuff done, congratulations to you. Do these four things, and you'll be in excellent shape. Your beliefs and attitudes have been around for a while, so give yourself a little bit of time for the new ones to take root. Once the brain finds a more pleasurable and effective way of doing things, it very rapidly discards the old way of doing things, the same way you'll never go somewhere the long way once you've found a shortcut.

However, some of us need a little nudge to get stuff done (e.g. yours truly right here). And frankly, change is hard work—much of human biology is geared towards homeostasis, which is basically maintenance of a steady state. Change is disruptive and goes against all that. What to do?

Having the right tools helps. You can try to put a nail in the wall with a small rock, or by twisting it in with your bare hands, and you'll eventually succeed. But with a hammer, you can get done in seconds what would normally take much more time and effort. The hammer is therefore a good investment, since for a small price it saves you your most valuable commodity: time.

So your tools in the self-improvement game are right focus, affirmations , visualization, self-hypnosis and, ultimately,
action.

Do you *need* any kind of outside help to really succeed and be fulfilled in life? Absolutely not. I have given you all the information you need right here, in this newsletter, for you to transform your life. Don't need to spend another dime.

Does it *help* to get a little helping hand every once in a while? Absolutely. The right word with the right timing, the correct encouragement, a minute of proper coaching can accelerate change that could take months or years to make on your own.

That's all for now. Next time we're going to go over a very emotionally-charged and controversial topic and probably my main motivation for writing the Tao of Dating, so stay tuned. I am interested in your stories, comments and questions—you can reach me at dralex@thetaoofdating.com .

The power is within you,
Dr Alex
www.thetaoofdating.com