How to Get The Girl By Being The Girl 2

Welcome to another empowering and enlightening Tao of Dating article.

Let’s describe a scenario here (disclaimer: any similarity to what happened to me two nights ago is pure coincidence). Let's say you go to a social event -- a young professionals' mixer. As you get there, you notice a lovely young lady from the corner of your eye. She's tall, she's lithe, she's got great hair and a million-watt smile. And you think, "That's the girl. I'm gonna get HER number."

And so you talk to all the other people, maybe do a Two-Hit method on her (go to page 2 of The Tao of Dating e-book if you've forgotten how that works -- first a quick hi, get the name, then come back later), still chatting to everyone else, slowly wending your way over to her. And eventually, you start talking. You notice her bright shiny teeth, her great bod, and you're pouring on the smoothness. Things are going well -- you read the same books , she likes the same cheesy 80s bands, etc. It's on.

As the event is winding down and everybody's leaving, she says to you (and *only* to you -- you've done so WELL, you dirty little devil you), "Hey, wanna go grab a drink at this place close to my home?" And you say, “Let's do it.” What the heck? It's all going according to plan.

At the watering hole, she buys you a drink (good sign), and one for herself. And she begins to drink. And drink. And drink your drink.

Before you know it, she's totally incoherent, falling over, and just a complete mess. She starts talking about stuff that sets off all kinds of 120 decibel alarms in your head.

You want to get as far away from her as quickly as possible. And you do…by walking her to her place, and bidding her farewell. It never even occurs to you to get her number.

Does this sound at all familiar to you, gentlemen? You start out hankering for something, and then, the worst possible thing happens: YOU ACTUALLY GET IT. And then you realize, “Oh crap! WHAT was I thinking?”

The problem, my friends, is this little itty-bitty feature of the human brain that screws us all up…

It's called DESIRE.

My good man Lao Tzu had something to say about that in his most excellent book, the Tao Te Ching. In fact, he thought it was so important, he brought it up in the first chapter:

"Free from desire, you realize the mystery. Caught in desire, you see only the manifestations."

There's at least two problems with desire, you see. The first is that according to ancient spiritual law, when you desire something, you're affirming its *lack* in your life. And,
according to Tao of Dating Belief #1, the Universe is merely a reflection of your dominant thoughts.

So when you say, "Gimme!", the Universe says right back, "Gimme!". Congrats -- you just drove away from you that which you desired. (Because inherent in your desire is the observation that what you currently want YOU DO NOT YET HAVE--thus the focus is on the LACK of the thing wanted, not actually HAVING the thing… are you with me? If not, no worries--more on this later.)

The second reason is more tangible, but gives you the same bum result. Here's the deal: when you want something badly enough, you *will* screw up your judgment. Guaranteed. It's been called “wanting-it tax,” the Second Noble Truth, babenosis, and any number of other things.

I just call it bad business.

Would you walk into a car dealership saying, "Oh, my God, I love that car right there! How much can I pay you for it?" Even worse, would you walk into that dealership drunk? Or sleep-deprived? No way.

The fact is, we engage in very similar behavior *all the time* when it comes to courting women. We get ourselves (metaphorically) drunk with desire, and all that's on our mind is "Omigod she's sooo hot! Gotta get her!"

We immediately try to show how witty and smooth we are, to impress her and entertain her with our male primate display behaviors (and if you've ever seen other guys do it, youknow how obvious and goofy it looks, right? Right.)

I've got a question for you, my friend: Who is she? Do you even know her? And, most importantly -- is she paying you enough for your fine company?

I'm only saying that (semi) facetiously. Because right now, I want to talk about one of the most important things that you MUST do to attract women in the right way. It's the first thing I cover in "Chapter 8: Attract, or How to Communicate with Women" of my e-Book "The Tao of Dating " (which you may have heard about by now).

It's called FRAME-SETTING. And what you have to remember is this:

"He who controls the frame controls the interaction."

For example, when you walked into that showroom saying that you already wanted that car so bad, you set the frame as "I am the chump, and the dealer is the guy who's going tostick it to me."

On the other hand, you could have just as easily walked in and said, "Yeah, I'm looking to buy a new car, with cash, and I've been to a few dealers checking out what they've got and was wondering how good a deal you had to offer." Now you have set the tone fora VERY different interaction.

One in which you are the BUYER. And a picky one at that. Just like girls are when it comes to guys.

'Cause you've got money in your pocket, you've got damn good taste, and there is no reason for you to settle for anything but the absolute best your money can buy.

In the social marketplace, it works the same way. You've got all kinds of things going for you. You're intelligent, affluent, funny, fun to be around, dynamite in the sack (or you will be after you read “The Tao of Sexual Mastery”), or all of the above. That's the money in your pocket.

But sometimes guys forget that. They see a cute girl, and immediately start supplicating at the foot of the Goddess: "Please, please -- give me some attention." This drives menuts, because it turns the whole logic of the world topsy-turvy.

Fact: most women have relationships with men older than they are. Fact: almost all women have relationships with men with higher status and income than their own. Fact: on the whole, men have 30% higher income than women worldwide. Fact: you're probably older than most of the women you're attracted to.

And therefore, FACT: YOU ARE WHAT *SHE* WANTS. It's always been this way. It will always be this way. She's younger than you, less experienced than you, and has less economic power than you. You are in the dominant position.

So what the heck are you doing pretending like it's *you* chasing *her*?

Because you get drunk with desire, that's why. And when you're drunk with desire (here comes the car metaphor again), you're too focused on trying to get what's in front of you to notice the dents, the record of unreliability, the clunky transmission and all kinds of things that you simply don't want in that car that you *think* you want so badly.

I've dated enough women to know that there is only a slight correlation between a woman's looks and how fulfilling your relationship is with her. And, strangely enough, the hottest ones often (but not always) turn out to be the biggest chores to deal with. So don't get blinded by the packaging, my friend. Look what's inside the present.

So be the picky buyer. Set the frame. Turn the tables on the girl and evaluate *her* -- which is different from judging. (Evaluating what's good for you is good. Judgingpeople, on the other hand, stops the evaluation process, and is less good.) Why would you want to hang out with her? Is she making you laugh? Is she warm and nurturing? Does she give killer backrubs? Why is she good enough for you?

Guys can sometimes get so hung up on getting into a woman's pants that they don't even bother figuring out whether they actually *want* to have that woman around for more than 15 minutes (and if that's all the time you need, buddy, you need to read “The Tao of Sexual Mastery,” oy).

Now some of you might have noticed something. There's a crazy twist in this. When you set the frame as the buyer, it's pretty obvious who controls the interaction. But evenwhen you walked into the dealership saying "I love that car,” *you* still set the frame for the interaction. Only you *chose* to give control to the other guy.

Stop doing that. Especially when it comes to women. Assume the most favorable frame. Take control. Lead. I talked about leading in a previous article, and in The Tao ofDating e-Book (Chapters 8 and 9), I give a bunch of examples, scenarios, lines and attitudes you can use to set the frame, assume control and lead.

Now let's put this to practical use. You see her. She's hot. Great. And you maintain your composure and step back from your desire, still interacting with her in a powerful,attractive way, but detaching yourself from the results.

You don't care how things are going to turn out. You don't care whether you get her number. Because frankly, you just don't know her well enough yet. She could be the love of your life or a colossal pain, and you're here to patiently find out.

As it stands, you don't need her. You *do* care whether she earns *your* number andyour company, and whether she is the kind of person you'd like to spend more time with. But not the other way around.

Just remember: you have everything that you need. When you truly believe, know and feel that, all good things will come pouring at you in an avalanche. More on that later.

I'm interested in your comments and personal questions. Just put "Question" in the subject field. You can reach me at dralex(at)thetaoofdating.com

The power is within you,Dr Alex