Money
At the beginning of a relationship, partners may not know what they can realistically expect to earn or how much they should allocate for housing, clothing, recreation, cars, food, and education. But partners in great marriages say that when both partners regard their contributions to the relationship and the family as equal, no matter who earns how much, tensions over money matters subside. When problems arise, it is usually because discussions about money often are not really about money; they are just as often about control, values, goals, and dreams. When couples jointly decide and agree on the basic issues of acceptable risks to take with regard to jobs and money, when to make big expenditures, and how to handle debt and savings, they seem to manage well financially . . . and thrive emotionally. When problems arise, it is usually because discussions about money often are not really about money; they are just as often about control, values, goals, and dreams .
How do you find out if you are in agreement? Ask each other some basic questions that will reveal your financial attitudes—and your financial hot buttons.
• Earning: How much do you expect to earn? Is it important to you to have a lot of money? What kind of lifestyle do you want to have now and ten years from now? Do you have a plan for achieving those financial goals? How would you feel if you don’t reach them? Would you be willing to marry this partner if he or she earned less?
• Spending: How do feel about spending money? How much planning do you want to go into major purchases? Is there any kind of spending that your partner might do that would drive you crazy? What spending decisions do you think you need to share? Would you be annoyed if your partner bought new clothes each month or made risky stock market investments?
Are you both willing to stick to a budget?
• Saving: How do you feel about saving money? Do you have common long-term goals to save money for such as starting a business, buying a house or a car, college tuition, retirement , or an emergency in one of your families ? Would you be willing to plan a budget and stick to it monthly in order to save? What steps would you be willing to take in order to save more?
• Issues from a Previous Marriage: If one or both of you has been married before—and especially if there are children from those marriages—there are a number of legal, moral, and financial issues you’ll need to discuss. For example, you may have assets from your previous marriage that have to be protected for your children or a former spouse. A prenuptial agreement may be advisable. It is very important to go over these matters together in detail so you both are comfortable with the arrangement.
• Troubles: How would you deal with financial adversity? If one of you became disabled and couldn’t earn for a year, what would you do to adapt?
• Family Background: If your partner grew up in a richer family than yours, or a poorer one, how might that affect the way each of you handles money? If you each come from very different backgrounds, with a wide disparity in assets before the marriage , it is important to talk over both of your expectations about how these previous assets will be treated within the marriage . Discuss these financial matters now so there will be no surprises and less potential for disagreements in the future.
• Opportunity and Risk: If there were an opportunity to make a big change, such as start a business, change professions, go back to school, or move to another city, how would you deal with it? How would you feel about financial expenditures involved with having or adopting children?
• Debt: How do you feel about debt? Does it scare you or your partner? Do you have credit card debt or do you pay each monthly bill in full? Do you have any other debts? If so, how are you planning to pay them off? Are you earning more than you spend or spending more than you earn? Lilo and Gerry did not start out on exactly the same financial wavelength when they began dating . “We both vividly remember Lilo’s first visit to my apartment in New York City,” Gerry says.
“Lilo noticed that I had left my bank statement open on the desk. “‘Why do you have some entries in red ink and others in black?’ Lilo asked me. When I explained the red entries were overdrafts, Lilo said she had never heard of anyone spending more than they had in the bank—and she didn’t like the idea. The solution was simple. When we got married, Lilo managed the bank account that was used to pay all the bills. We each had a separate checking account that we used only for incidentals—I used mine mostly to buy Lilo presents. We shared all our money and major financial decisions jointly. And that’s the way it still is, many decades later.” If you can both agree about how to handle spending, saving, and earning the money, you will be able to smoothly manage your finances and your marriage.
Francine and Donald didn’t always agree on how to spend their money. “We grew up with different philosophies,” says Donald. Because she came from a poorer family than Donald, she was more inclined to look for bargains. “She didn’t appreciate that if you spent a little more on furniture, it would last longer than buying cheap stuff you had to replace in a few years. So my philosophy is to wait a little longer and buy the more expensive items,” explains Donald. Francine adds that after a couple of run-ins, they talked things over and she came around to his way of thinking.
Lilo and Gerard Leeds met in a ski lodge in the Adirondack Mountains in 1950, were married in 1951 and now, 56 years later, have a family of five children and 13 grandchildren. They are both refugees from Nazi Germany. They arrived in the U.S. with virtually no money, but eventually became successful business entrepreneurs, and continued more recently as social entrepreneurs, with a primary focus on improving the education of children in poor communities. In 1990, they founded and chaired the Institute for Student Achievement, now a major force in school reform for children in poor communities with approximately 20,000 high school students in 60 high schools. (That number is expected to double in the next two years.) The goal of the Institute is to improve the education of children in poor communities, who grow up in poverty, to succeed—first by completing their high school education, and then by going on to college or other post-secondary education and become educated, productive, contributing adults. They were cited by Newsday in its report on “100 Who Shaped a Century,” and were also among the 10 honorees selected by WCBS-TV for recognition in its annual “Fulfilling the Dream” celebration of the birthday of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Terrence Real has been a family therapist and teacher for more than 20 years. The bestselling author of I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression (Scribner, 1997), How Can I Get Through to You? Reconnecting Men and Women (Scribner, 2002) and The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work, Terry knows how to lead couples on a step-by-step journey to greater intimacy—and greater personal fulfillment. A senior faculty member of the Family Institute of Cambridge in Massachusetts and a Clinical Fellow of the Meadows Institute in Arizona, Terry founded his own center, the Relational Life Institute, in March of 2002. Through his books, the Institute and workshops around the country, Terry helps women and men break through outdated notions to find true connection and satisfaction. Terry’s work, with its rigorous commonsense approach, speaks to both men and women. His ideas on men’s issues and on couple’s therapy have been celebrated in venues from the Today Show and 20/20, to Oprah and The New York Times.
Susan Seliger is an award-winning writer, magazine editor, editorial and marketing consultant and professional storyteller. She is the author of Stop Killing Yourself: Make Stress Work for You; a chapter of that health book is currently on display as an interactive exhibit called, “How Old Are You Really?” in half a dozen science museums across the U.S. and in Belfast, Ireland. A former deputy editor of Good Housekeeping and Working Mother Magazine and deputy editor in magazine development at Hearst and a consulting editor in magazine development at Time Inc., Seliger has helped launch several national Web sites and her articles have appeared in dozens of leading publications, including New York Magazine, Family Circle, Redbook, Travel & Leisure, USA Today, The Economist, The Washington Post, The Chicago Tribune, and The Miami Herald.
This article was excerpted from Wonderful Marriage: A Guide to Building a Great Relationship That Will Last a Lifetime . Purchase your own copy today !